“Accidentally on purpose…”

the attention just encourages her..

for reasons unknown

this isn’t a “oh woe is me i’m 41 now” type post but i will say that it feels weird to be so old yet feel so young. i all but forgot this day was coming up. i think the way my childhood abuse keeps climbing into my brain, (read: PTSD) maybe it has gone back to ignoring it to protect me. no one celebrated my birthday until i was 16. my besties got me a fancy white boxed, red bowed dozen roses just because i had mentioned how i always wanted one. yeah, ever since then i have been hot and cold about celebrating.

i’ve been a bit of a hermit lately. not completely but i’ve definitely avoided more social situations than i normally would. i just hate going out while so overweight. yes, i’m hiding from the world because i’m fat. i measured today and have decided to only weigh myself every few days. i’m supposed to everyday to watch for sudden fluid retention but its just so depressing. i take an extra water pill that has potassium so unless i see physical signs of fluid retention then i hope to eventually get to weighting myself only once a week. i’m going to measure on Mondays.

i finally painted my nails. it had been so long that i barely had any polish to remove. just more evidence of my lower than usual self esteem. i mean, my bra size went from a 38C to a 42DD. i’ve gained weight before but never this much and never enough to increase my bra size. i can finally wear my wedding rings again. that is pretty awesome. at some point each day i make sure they aren’t too hard to take off. the band is Tungsten so i can’t have that getting stuck.

i’m working up to getting back into bar tending. restocking the bar with the extra essentials and basic booze for making the usual kind of drinks. I’ve created 4 new drinks but only tried out 3 of them. my guinea pig said they were pretty and dangerously good. i’m also going to look for some kind of online class. if i can’t find one i will print out lists of drinks and study them and read up on everything else. i’m hoping after i’m a year out from my transplant i will see what my limitations may be and decide if it is worth it to apply for a job. we have a few bars here in town which i think would be a good starting point. i’ll also be working extra hard to lose weight as per usual.

i have my medical marijuana card and i am so glad i got it. i have this oil that is a 1:1 ratio of THC and CDB and just 3 drops will relieve my headaches if i catch them in time. there is no kind of high either. so much better than narcotic pain meds. i don’t smoke it. calm down son. {if you feel the need to lecture me i will simply ignore you}

i used to be terrified of scary movies. i would freak out at night if i had to go to the bathroom even with all the motion lights Chris put up and i was afraid to go in the basement sometimes even during the day. it was awful. when i was younger i lived with people who basically tortured me. locking me in closets, scratching windows etc. i was not raised by anyone so i saw scary movies at far too young of an age. so i was pretty traumatized. now. i’m not afraid of them anymore, for awhile i actually wanted to catch up on the movies we hadn’t watched because of me. i still jump at jump scenes and such but no more nightmares or fear of getting up in the night or letting my foot hang off the bed. i have also noticed changes in my taste in foods. for instance, i used to love cilantro but yesterday Chris made a sour cream type thing with cilantro for our enchiladas and it tasted like soap to me. that is just one example. so was my donor into scary movies and hated cilantro? i know it sounds weird but i have heard of similar things happening to other tx recipients.

i’ll hopefully blog again soon. i have to get myself in the shower and put some stuff on my face cuz Chris has “plans” for us. i like surprises so its all good.






like a distant sister;

strange and unexpected,

you bent your unfamiliar ear,

to me and all my sorrow.


like a kindred spirit,

you have been here,

you have walked this path,

you have fought this war,

you have survived this pain,

you share these scars.


like a long lost friend,

you held out a big glass bowl;

to catch my tears,

let me pour out all my fears,

and spilled them out,

away from me.


like a distant sister;

you let me reach out,

to you and your past,

you shared your pain,

opened up old wounds,

to save me new cuts.


darling, distant,

strange, sister,


we will both be poetry again.

i used to write poetry


Like a sister you know me so well

I can’t get anything past you

Tell it like it is because that is how it is

You have the power of words

You wield them well, I can’t deny you

My parallel, my sister, you know me so well.


Put my fears to rest when my heart is racing

Lift me up when I’m down so low

Like a sister, my parallel you know me so well.

I look to you for your shining light

In my world, the sky I look on

I don’t deserve stars so bright.

“she tries her luck with the traffic police, out of boredom more than spite.”

its February so of course i have that new car itch. its not about not liking my current car. i really do like it and have only ever had maybe one repair done. i’m mainly trying to lower my payments and get rid of some of the negative equity i have. i looked into my current dealership and then one other one. if nothing comes of it, no biggie.


Chris and I are going to start a podcast. we have lots of ideas and plans but we need to come up with a title and practice using the equipment. also, we have a lot of research to do if we want it to be any good. it will be focused on the history of the venn diagram that is our social circle. we plan to do multiple episodes on certain groups and topics and have guests join us. we also plan to have appropriate music in the background. this is just one of those things you think of while drinking and decide it really sounds like a fun idea. enough that you decide to actually do it.


i still can’t lose weight but i was able to increase my speed and distance on the treadmill. not by much but its progress. i’m doing HRC, Hogwarts Running Club, it keeps me pretty consistent. i’m working on the Nargle 9K currently. i’m also doing this sweating for the wedding thing with the girls. also, my other usual exercises. i better lose at least 20# by the time we leave for LA in May. my BMI is high enough to qualify me for bariatric surgery and i am actually going to talk to my nurse about it. (nurse says no) i mean, if i had the money i’d be getting an arm lift. i am just devastated and grossed out when i look in a mirror. also, my fucking clothes don’t fit. this shit has gotten out of control. if a single person says “at least you can breathe” i will hunt you down and beat the ever living fuck out of you. seriously.


so its been one of those on the phone all day kind of days. still have a couple calls to make. i really should eat but i’m just not hungry.


“if you don’t expect too much from me you might not be let down”

this isn’t going to be a “2017 was “such and such and so forth and so on” post. just so you know.

i could sit back and reflect on the previous year but all i need to think about and dedicate myself to is breathing with these hand me down lungs. (i don’t mean that in a negative way) as far as i’m concerned that is the whole of 2016 for me.

i saw my psych dr and was able to tell him i’m doing OK. i’m sleeping and my anxiety is better. granted, i wouldn’t have been able to say that a couple weeks ago.

i am mostly OK. mainly i just wish i could be invisible until i lose at least like 20#. it literally grosses me out to look in the mirror. i never thought i would let myself get like this. it is devastating. i’m hovering around 210#so i’m working even harder on sticking to my diet and exercise. i’m hoping getting my dreads back in will help a bit. they give me a lot of confidence for some reason. *getting my dreads in did help*

things are changing though. i WILL get my weight down. my hair will grow out enough to be nicely styled for Mary’s wedding. I will get better at photography. i will get whatever tattoos i want. i will go where i want. i will be kinder to my husband. i will be kinder to everyone. i’m ok with not being part of the club. i have new friends and the tried and true forever friends. i’m sincerely fortunate to know the people i know.

i was in a funk for awhile the last couple months but i’m coming out of it. i got my nails done, almost all of my dreads are in. (sister had to get to work). i’m going to do some more exercise before bed.

(i really need to get my nails trimmed cuz the length and shape makes it difficult to do certain things, like typing and texting and getting dressed and such)

tomorrow is always a new day and a fresh start and “another chance to change”. i’m going to do the laundry and clean the house and then take a nice long relaxing bath with a glass of wine and glittery bath bomb and silky homemade soaps.


yesterday i realized something very sad. as a child i never knew what i wanted to be when i grew up. i know that isn’t unusual but what bothers me is that i never let myself want to be anything. i was never really able to answer that question. every time it thought of something i was interested in enough to work for it i remembered i was a failure already. my ability to have hopes and dreams and goals for the future was stolen from me by the verbal abuse i suffered on a daily basis from my “mother”. she made sure that every day i knew i ruined her life by being born and would never amount to anything.

as an adult i slowly started thinking about the things i wish i had studied in college instead of writing and literature.(i never felt like i was a very good writer but it was my outlet) if i could go back in time i would have answers to the question of what i want to do when i grow up, now that i have grown up, to an extent. i love weather, all kinds of weather, i could have studied meteorology. i think that is why i like disaster movies so much. i love whales, i could have studied marine biology. this isn’t to say that i regret becoming a mother. i can’t imagine my life without her and i think she would enjoy these things too.  spending tornado season in tornado alley or spending summers by the ocean. for a little while i really wanted to work at SETI but how could i ever be smart enough to do that. they wouldn’t hire me to answer the fucking phones.

so i let myself be denied hopes and dreams. the only dream i ever had that came true was having a little girl. just one little girl. in my dream it was just us. me and my girl and how i would actually raise her and do the opposite, literally the opposite of every little thing my mother did. the desired effect was achieved and we have a solid loving relationship.

this post has taken me days. i don’t know why. i usually publish when i hit a good stopping point. i suppose its easier to get it all out as it comes to me.

i still can’t lose weight. i swear i’m trying. if i only eat one meal i might lose a pound. if i eat lunch and dinner i might gain a pound or almost a pound, like .5 or .3. i’m watching my portions and half the time i feel so awful i regret eating because i feel sick which results in me eating less at the next meal.i do yoga, crunches and walk 1/2 a mile at a brisk pace 3X a week. how can i be not only not losing weight but sometimes gaining a pound back?? Chris is making breakfast and has plans for lunch and is making fried fish and hush puppies for dinner. so who knows how much weight i will gain. i almost never eat sweets. i had some butterscotch haystacks around xmas and like 4 lindor truffle over the course of a week and that’s it. i didn’t get into the bag of goodies we get every year. i do put sugar in my coffee. what the fuck am i doing wrong???!!!

as far as my lungs are concerned, my latest CT scan that was done doesn’t seem too great based on the terms i looked up from the notes. the scan was done to try and puzzle out the strange and very painful spasms or cramps or whatever in my stomach. they happen when i move certain ways, esp any twisting movement like when i reach behind me for something, things like that.


i am sorry for the trouble, i suppose

if one more person says “at least you can breathe” i’m gonna fucking flip a table.

yeah, breathing is great, even though i still get short of breath. not having to drag oxygen around and being limited by how much i can take places is awesome.

yes, i was fully aware of the side effects the meds would cause but they still fucking sucked the first couple months and still do just not as much.

i’m still pretty limited. i’m weak, my legs get tired and sore easily, i fall a lot more than i used to during my binge drinking days. i get very discouraged when i think i can do something i couldn’t during the last 2 years and it turns out i can’t. trying to keep up on photography at an event last weekend was real painful but i was determined. well after my fall i was pretty upset. i cry a lot. i didn’t used to. it was like i was just too apathetic to let feelings happen.


at least i can breathe.

fuck you

do people say that to you when you complain??

no, they don’t. they say things like “that really sucks, i’m sorry”  “is there any way i can help?” etc etc so forth and so on.

yeah, i can breathe, mostly, and i have to do a lot to make sure i can continue to do so. i have to avoid crowds and be wary of possible sick people and wear a stuffy mask quite often. i have to use sanitizer constantly and i have a good amount of meds to take every morning and night. i have to drive to A2 at least once a month. in Feb i have to sit for 6 hours with an IV getting an infusion to fight a virus my new lungs came with.

i really just want to curl up in bed and watch disaster movies all day and not see anyone or talk to anyone.

i want to hide.

but at least i can breathe

now you’re just somebody that i used to know

at some point in the last several years i seem to have lost my voice, my writing voice. i used to write constantly. even if i was just journaling.

so often i come to word press and start to make a post and i end up just staring at the blank screen feeling like my mind has gone blank forever. at first i thought i was just not depressed enough to write anything meaningful, then my lungs broke. i figured i would have my writing again to help me through but nope didn’t happen.

i did recently write a “poem” and it was OK. maybe it is just going to be a slow process. we shall see i suppose.

today i actually have things to say. things i need to deal with and hopefully typing it out will help.


i tried 18 times to write to my donor family. when i told Mary i was having trouble she offered to do it. so great! now i just need to print out the donor letter and a letter she wrote to me while i was sedated and paralyzed. so all i have to do is print out a couple pics. i don’t know anything about my donor. they don’t know anything about me most likely. i’m sure i will post about that if/when it happens.



i saw a cardiologist yesterday.  based on her opinion that my heart is fine and what she read on my MRI report, she’s pretty sure i had a stroke or mini stroke. i was really hoping my meds were the cause of my broken brain. i see a neurologist on the 15th and hope for not so bad news.


my weight went up quite a bit recently. at my heaviest i was at 204# i freaked out and am down to 199# after just a few days. i just had to stop eating when i was full. i was forced to clean my plate growing up due to lack of knowing when we’d eat again so its hard to leave food on my plate. i’ve started pushing half of it aside to remind me not to keep eating if i was full. aside from weight gain, eating often makes me feel sick. eating less means less sick but its still there.


i’m sure its me being paranoid and making assumptions but i feel very much like Chris is so sick of me talking so much and forgetting so much that he has just given up on talking to me. i asked him if i showed him something and he said no and that was it. not “no, let me see it” it felt like “no, cuz i don’t care”. like i said, i’m sure its me and not his fault or intention but if someone cuts you on accident does it hurt any less?

the unbearable gift of life

Tell me how to believe
Is karma really such a bitch,
Like everyone says?
Do I wear something special,
Will that help my cause?

They say I look great
They say I’m so brave
They say I’m their win
They say and say and say

It’s my everyday, my tired and my guilt.

If I could just do better
If I just exercised more,
Skipped dessert,
If I stopped at one glass…
Rather than three.

They call it a gift.
They call it a blessing.
They even call it a miracle.
I call it more, more time, more moments, more sunrises and sunsets.
More of my selfishness.

We throw around all the cliches,
No idea how literal they truly are,
This is my life, this is me, finally,
Lifting up to release the pause button.
But what is this life?

Show me how to pray
Do I have to kneel?
That will hurt my rug burned knees
Teach me about faith and
Why I have never had any. These things plague me, leave me lost and confused.

The worst part
When you are unhappy
You have to be sure no one
Sees or hears because
“At least you can breathe”.



“but I don’t wanna live that way reading into every word you say…”

today is my favorite holiday and i’m not seeing myself being able to enjoy it.

i’m dealing with some pretty heavy, stressful, hurtful shit. i’m pretty fed up and trying not to go off the rails like i did back in 2009.


the meanness and condescension is just killing me. my poor health is being used against me constantly. i’m treated more like a child than an adult in need of help and support.

i’m just so hurt. i’m scared. i feel alone. i feel neglected and invalidated.

i’m not trying to whine and complain. i am trying to let myself feel these things so i can find a way to cope. ideally, find a way to change things.

i am fully aware that my long term memory has worsened over the years and also that since the transplant my short term memory and general cognitive function is severely impaired. this does not mean that i can’t remember anything.  i remember last Halloween quite clearly and was flat out lied to about things that supposedly happened. already having mental health issues and memory problems makes gas lighting especially insidious.

i am also fully aware that i have a childish nature. this does not mean i am actually immature. i “choose” to embrace the child like part of me. i am fully capable of taking care of adult responsibilities and i do. i am fully capable of making my own decisions and my own mistakes. i have just as much right as you to fuck up.

so i’m going to stand up for myself. i’m going to work very hard not to over react. i feel like i have gotten through the worst of this most recent upswing and i am stumbling through the down but coming through it.

all the things that i have done

before anything else, there is something very important all of you need to know.

your problems and struggles are VALID. they are not less than mine. you have no reason to feel guilty for mentioning things to me. you have every right to complain. yes, i have been through hell recently, nearly died, still getting my balance and strength back but i’m home. i’m recovering. i am still totally capable of being present for you. i still want to actively be a friend to you to the best of my ability. call me if you need to vent. message or text or email if you need or want to. i don’t take my phone to the bedroom at night but i usually get up early and i make it a point to respond to all messages, texts, emails and FB comments pretty much first thing. the limitations i have are temporary and do not affect my ability to be present for people. i am still capable of being a friend to you and always want to be. if for some reason i need to i will tell you if i can’t help or am taking a mental health day, whatever, i’ll tell you. so it is impossible to inconvenience me.

/end rant


as far as the new “airbags” go, i’m having a bit of an off day but most likely just from too busy of an early morning. i had to cut our shopping short due to serious weakness and soreness in my legs and with the anxiety of that i was more short of breath than i have been recently. i’m rested now and will be taking a shower when i finish this. hopefully it doesn’t wipe me out again.

oh, and speaking of showers, i was able to shower yesterday completely unassisted. my husband was there when i got in and out just in case but i did everything on my own. i was even able to shave my legs. you ladies get why that’s a big deal. its hard to play flamingo when your legs are lacking muscle.

i can walk unassisted but i’m still having trouble with balance and i do eventually get tired or short of breath. i don’t worry about soreness because that just means i’m getting the work out i need. the other night we went out and walked Siobhan. he held the leash, worried that she would pull too much and he insisted we turn around when i told him my legs were a little sore. he asked so i answered. i tried to tell him it was a “good” soreness but, he worries and he’s totally justified.

things i can do that i couldn’t when i last blogged….

well fuck…remember how my memory is totally fucked? well i literally just closed the tab with my last blog and have forgotten what i already mentioned and what i wanted to update on here.

i remember that Ryan2, my PT worked with me on some new stuff. He also increased my walking speed and time. he’s very good at focusing on my current goals. i’m going to have him help me with getting up off the floor. if i get permission to from the surgeon on Monday, i want to enjoy the awesome bath stuff i have.

as i said i’m walking unassisted but i do keep my cane close but i don’t really need it. i’m still shaky but im determined not to fall anymore.

my weight is pretty stable. my gain hovers between 5-8#. i haven’t even been following my diet as well as i should. i guess i’m easing back into it. i’m working toward the cardiac diet. i want to get healthy and get at least another 20# off by the time my daughter gets married.

my battery is dying so when i finish it might be a bit off.

so i seem to have recovered from my busy morning. i did all my showering totally on my own and only got a tiny bit short of breath while washing my face. i don’t feel so weak and tired anymore. i’m so relieved. i worry when i have off days out of the blue. i always wonder if it is an actual set back or decline, like what if i’m sick? what if its rejection? i try not to freak out but these things creep into my brain.

speaking of my brain, its still not working very well. the memory loss is the worst. i mean you have no idea. i swear my husband is going to divorce me out of sheer annoyance. the more i recover physically the more we bicker and snap at each other. i’m trying to re-train myself to not assume he is mad or annoyed with me, he just so often sounds like he is, his tone of voice. he also has frequently ignored me when i have asked a question or sometimes just made a random comment. i’m trying so hard to stop going on about the transplant. it just seems like a constant disclaimer whenever i want to do something or cant’t do something or whatever. then there are the times that i am struggling but he’s acting like i was never sick. i hate to complain about him, i love him dearly and i appreciate him more than anyone could possibly imagine. but. i’m going through some shit not directly related to my transplant and there are just some things about myself that i have zero control over. i try anyway but when i am able to shut the fuck up or catch myself making assumptions it is always very short lived.

ok. fuck it. i have to get this off of me, out of me.


i decided when the whole transplant thing got real that i was going to make the most of it. do things i’ve always wanted to do. some of these things my husband might not like. he will just need to accept it. these aren’t earth shattering things. the most ‘drastic” for lack of a better word is the eyebrow piercing i have always wanted. well i want a lip ring too but the husband made it clear that he was really not ok with that and seeing as we do a lot of kissing its pretty justified. i also have a lot of travel plans. i don’t think he has much of an issue with that but doesn’t seem to understand why its so important to me to go see some of the people on my list. i don’t know how to explain it. it might just be me making assumptions like i so often do. i do know he doesn’t know where i’ll get the money to pay for all these trips i want to take. i am pretty sure he won’t be helping me with money for them. i’m prioritizing them and i’m very aware that it is going to take a long time to complete my list.

my first trip will be in late March, if i am able obviously. my health and finances have to cooperate. i am going to Florida to see my parents mostly. i’m also planning to see my in laws while i am down there. i have a great friend who also lives in Florida but she lives quite a ways away from all the family so i’m not sure how i will make that work but i really miss her and fully intend to figure it out.

i can’t remember the other stuff i want to do, i just know i’m doing more of what i want from now on. it will be an adjustment for both of us but i’m not gonna go crazy and do all kinds of crazy shit.

oh yeah, Jocy and i are hoping to go to this summer camp for adults. it’s pretty pricey so it might have to wait until the summer after next. we’ll see.

aside from all of that, i have realized i’m going through a manic episode for the first time in a long time. i’m trying to fight it but sometimes that just makes it worse and longer.

so, that’s all i’ve got today.