before anything else, there is something very important all of you need to know.
your problems and struggles are VALID. they are not less than mine. you have no reason to feel guilty for mentioning things to me. you have every right to complain. yes, i have been through hell recently, nearly died, still getting my balance and strength back but i’m home. i’m recovering. i am still totally capable of being present for you. i still want to actively be a friend to you to the best of my ability. call me if you need to vent. message or text or email if you need or want to. i don’t take my phone to the bedroom at night but i usually get up early and i make it a point to respond to all messages, texts, emails and FB comments pretty much first thing. the limitations i have are temporary and do not affect my ability to be present for people. i am still capable of being a friend to you and always want to be. if for some reason i need to i will tell you if i can’t help or am taking a mental health day, whatever, i’ll tell you. so it is impossible to inconvenience me.
as far as the new “airbags” go, i’m having a bit of an off day but most likely just from too busy of an early morning. i had to cut our shopping short due to serious weakness and soreness in my legs and with the anxiety of that i was more short of breath than i have been recently. i’m rested now and will be taking a shower when i finish this. hopefully it doesn’t wipe me out again.
oh, and speaking of showers, i was able to shower yesterday completely unassisted. my husband was there when i got in and out just in case but i did everything on my own. i was even able to shave my legs. you ladies get why that’s a big deal. its hard to play flamingo when your legs are lacking muscle.
i can walk unassisted but i’m still having trouble with balance and i do eventually get tired or short of breath. i don’t worry about soreness because that just means i’m getting the work out i need. the other night we went out and walked Siobhan. he held the leash, worried that she would pull too much and he insisted we turn around when i told him my legs were a little sore. he asked so i answered. i tried to tell him it was a “good” soreness but, he worries and he’s totally justified.
things i can do that i couldn’t when i last blogged….
well fuck…remember how my memory is totally fucked? well i literally just closed the tab with my last blog and have forgotten what i already mentioned and what i wanted to update on here.
i remember that Ryan2, my PT worked with me on some new stuff. He also increased my walking speed and time. he’s very good at focusing on my current goals. i’m going to have him help me with getting up off the floor. if i get permission to from the surgeon on Monday, i want to enjoy the awesome bath stuff i have.
as i said i’m walking unassisted but i do keep my cane close but i don’t really need it. i’m still shaky but im determined not to fall anymore.
my weight is pretty stable. my gain hovers between 5-8#. i haven’t even been following my diet as well as i should. i guess i’m easing back into it. i’m working toward the cardiac diet. i want to get healthy and get at least another 20# off by the time my daughter gets married.
my battery is dying so when i finish it might be a bit off.
so i seem to have recovered from my busy morning. i did all my showering totally on my own and only got a tiny bit short of breath while washing my face. i don’t feel so weak and tired anymore. i’m so relieved. i worry when i have off days out of the blue. i always wonder if it is an actual set back or decline, like what if i’m sick? what if its rejection? i try not to freak out but these things creep into my brain.
speaking of my brain, its still not working very well. the memory loss is the worst. i mean you have no idea. i swear my husband is going to divorce me out of sheer annoyance. the more i recover physically the more we bicker and snap at each other. i’m trying to re-train myself to not assume he is mad or annoyed with me, he just so often sounds like he is, his tone of voice. he also has frequently ignored me when i have asked a question or sometimes just made a random comment. i’m trying so hard to stop going on about the transplant. it just seems like a constant disclaimer whenever i want to do something or cant’t do something or whatever. then there are the times that i am struggling but he’s acting like i was never sick. i hate to complain about him, i love him dearly and i appreciate him more than anyone could possibly imagine. but. i’m going through some shit not directly related to my transplant and there are just some things about myself that i have zero control over. i try anyway but when i am able to shut the fuck up or catch myself making assumptions it is always very short lived.
ok. fuck it. i have to get this off of me, out of me.
i decided when the whole transplant thing got real that i was going to make the most of it. do things i’ve always wanted to do. some of these things my husband might not like. he will just need to accept it. these aren’t earth shattering things. the most ‘drastic” for lack of a better word is the eyebrow piercing i have always wanted. well i want a lip ring too but the husband made it clear that he was really not ok with that and seeing as we do a lot of kissing its pretty justified. i also have a lot of travel plans. i don’t think he has much of an issue with that but doesn’t seem to understand why its so important to me to go see some of the people on my list. i don’t know how to explain it. it might just be me making assumptions like i so often do. i do know he doesn’t know where i’ll get the money to pay for all these trips i want to take. i am pretty sure he won’t be helping me with money for them. i’m prioritizing them and i’m very aware that it is going to take a long time to complete my list.
my first trip will be in late March, if i am able obviously. my health and finances have to cooperate. i am going to Florida to see my parents mostly. i’m also planning to see my in laws while i am down there. i have a great friend who also lives in Florida but she lives quite a ways away from all the family so i’m not sure how i will make that work but i really miss her and fully intend to figure it out.
i can’t remember the other stuff i want to do, i just know i’m doing more of what i want from now on. it will be an adjustment for both of us but i’m not gonna go crazy and do all kinds of crazy shit.
oh yeah, Jocy and i are hoping to go to this summer camp for adults. it’s pretty pricey so it might have to wait until the summer after next. we’ll see.
aside from all of that, i have realized i’m going through a manic episode for the first time in a long time. i’m trying to fight it but sometimes that just makes it worse and longer.
so, that’s all i’ve got today.