“Accidentally on purpose…”

the attention just encourages her..

Month: January, 2014

“I love Twinkies, and the reason I am saying that is because we are all supposed to think of reasons to live.”

so once more with feeling. the last time? this fool will likely waste away hoping for foolish things. so it goes and goes and goes.

you don’t have to stay anywhere forever but staying is so much easier than starting again. no longer wondering so much if this is the end and that is where I need to be. still the fear holds me like chains.

i will try…again. can i? do i have the strength of will anymore? time will tell.

i’m going away in the spring and i need my friend and the grinding noise of trains and the crowded city streets, even if i am freezing so close to that big lake, i need sparkling wine and late nights and no TV. if i can’t find myself before then i will surely find what i’m needing there. even if only for a week, i will bring it back with me and live again.

i will try. there is still love left and i will do all i can to find all the rest that has been chipped away. if i must i will dig it out from under the cold winter snow, or i will wait for the cool rains of spring to wake me and remind me where to look. if all that fails, summer heat and summer nights may burn those old happy memories back onto my heart. if i am very lucky i will have a partner in this desperate search.

 

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“so embrace the one you can’t replace”

and i hate this, it comes, it goes depending on my will and it hurts so much more this time and i have nothing clever to say. oh i know this like the back of my cliche but fuck i am so lost. i promised myself if i had to ask myself this question again it would be the last time, and so many things would become the last time and i would survive with little more than my broken heart and wasted love, loyalty, dedication, effort, submission, stagnation, loneliness of the best years i have left. i had every right to want love, happiness, romance, respect, appreciation, understanding, credit for being sane in my insanity by sheer force of will. i have every right to these things, i have EARNED these things. i am pretty (so people say), i am fun, i am amusing, i am eager to please, i cannot be replaced, i can be spontaneous or make it to the party on time, i am a friend, i deserve love and appreciation and someone who really wants ME, ME! there is so much of ME going to waste, being belittled, being dismissed. my will to live is slipping away with all the love leaving my broken heart. i’m amazed i still have tears left to spare.

and i’m asking myself again.

my future is now uncertain. will i be loved or will i find love?

 

 

“Everything that occurs out of necessity, everything expected, repeated day in and day out is mute. Only chance can speak to us. We read its message much as gypsies read the images made by coffee grounds at the bottom of the cup.”

I am discontent. Pretty much just going through the motions of life. I realized recently that my general will to live and care about things comes and goes, more so the latter. It hasn’t become a problem near as i can tell, or do I just not care…maybe just resigned myself to the fact that I’ve little say in what I am allowed to do or not do. It is weird because just a few weeks ago I was determined to stand up for myself and do what I want, you know, like an adult. meh. I’ve always known that hoping for what you want and being told no is harder to deal with than just not hoping at all, knowing that “No” is coming.

I wasn’t far from the scale this morning so I thought I would see how my messed up knee has affected my weight. Oddly I have lost 5 lbs in 12 days.Who loses weight sitting on the couch with a laptop for several days?? Just imagine what i will accomplish when I start putting this thing away by noon each day and keeping it put away. Speaking of my knee, it has improved a bit so I’m cancelling my emergency appt scheduled for tomorrow. No way there or home anyway so…meh.

Chris and i were pretty sure I had a hearing problem and last week he finally said i needed to get it checked out. I went yesterday for my hearing test. He said it was the best test he’d seen in a year. I have the hearing of a teenager, almost perfect. It was funny because upstairs from the office a band started practicing and I kept getting distracted by it during the test and still aced it. Now we have no idea why I have these hearing issues.

Siobhan is still afraid of us but is doing very well with her potty training. Once she warms up to us we can get the part where she tells us she needs to go taken care of but for now she goes when we put her out and if she needs to in between she seems to stay on the training pads. I like her. Under that timidness I can tell she is very sweet and fun and friendly. Well it would be nice if she would stop taking my slippers, especially when I’m still wearing them.

I suppose I better take care of the important stuff.

“Sometimes you make up your mind about something without knowing why, and your decision persists by the power of inertia…”

Seems it doesn’t take much time or lack of saying things to cause the need for catching people up. Thank you “too much technology”.  For every hour I spend on my laptop I find I am equally annoyed at my own and others complete reliance on it for social interaction. I’ve been hermitting due to over abundance of insanity the last few months but I like to window shop and with so much cold and no freedom, the internet has become my daily mall replacement so to speak. Being a very social creature, the hermit thing was new to me and my need for it is quickly waning. I suppose that means I will be trying to talk to and see people again. (not an easy thing without a car which irks me to no end)

Many people have been asking about Kamots, the lovely white german sheperd we had. I think especially with the addition of our puppy Siobhan. I will do my best to explain why we no longer have him. The biggest thing was that he was not socialized at all as far as people go. This was to the point of severe aggression that made us afraid to have him off leash while Mary or anyone else was here.  He was difficult to walk and very strong so my hands and wrists were hurting from trying to hold him while he tried to pull me quickly down the walk. We never knew when he needed to actually go out because he gave no clear sign and always got excited when we asked so we were taking him out something like a dozen times a day trying to figure what the deal was. Basically he usually just wanted to go out and be out. We got a tie out for the back yard but had to wait for it to be secure due to him being so strong. When we finally could give him free out time he would often times have to be brought in because he was barking like crazy at the dog next door. Simon learned to tolerate him and just ignored him but Bellatrix was terrified and would try to hide and he would aggressively terrorize her. We had been doing research on german sheperds for months, maybe longer and then started doing more and trying things to remedy these issues to no avail. We were very concerned that he would eventually bite someone and possibly be put down. So we took him to a no-kill shelter that does more than take dogs in, they work with them to make them more adoptable. I checked the site regularly and he was adopted a couple weeks ago. It was the best thing for all involved.

Then I thought we were going back to our “wait til spring” plan to try again (if at all, we were quite stressed and upset over our failure and foolishness). Then I noticed Chris “puppy shopping”. At first I was annoyed because this is the worst time of year to potty train a puppy and such. Finally I got tired of his shopping and knew he was going to keep doing it for hours a day and one day he was particularly taken by a couple pups at CAHS. I made the call and let him know they had some of the ones he really liked and we had time if he wanted to go. Basically he wanted a puppy and wanted one now. So we went, we looked, we met Siobhan (Cha Cha at the time) and she was visibly terrified but adorable and we all just took to her so she came home with us. I think it took me a day or two before I realized I shouldn’t have been so annoyed. I am the queen of “I must do/get/go NOW NOW!” when I decide on something and he was just doing the same thing.

Anyway, Siobhan is a boxer/lab retriever mix. She is still a bit skittish and afraid of us but she loves Simon and they play together like best friends. She even cries when he gets bored and goes off to do cat things. Bellatrix is not fond but Siobhan doesn’t get in her face too much and Bellatrix has stopped hiding. Despite her fear of us she is taking to potty training very well. She loves cuddling in our laps on the couch or laying at my feet with Simon. She seems to have a great personality under that lingering skittishness. We plan to be as diligent as possible in making sure she is properly trained, socialized, healthy and very happy we hope.

I don’t think anything else of importance is going on. I’m back to trying to get my figure back, with a vengeance. I really need to, I refuse to buy new clothes. I need to get back into all the cute stuff I bought last time I lost weight. I really don’t fit into a lot of my clothes and that just won’t do.

I am also going for a hearing test tomorrow and I won’t be a bit surprised if they say I need a hearing aid. No, I am not going to be all self conscious about wearing one. My hearing loss is most likely due to all the fun I’ve had at concerts and such and that is nothing to be ashamed of. I’m sure Chris is just as tired of repeating himself as I am with saying “What?” all the time.

Oh, I’m still crazy. My recent apathy (something else new to me) has been an issue when my mood shifts enough for me to care. I randomly came across a “How are you handling your bipolar?” quiz and it said I’m not doing so well. Oddly that result surprised me which is another sign that it was prob right.

I don’t know where to go from here…I’m in a state of apathetic stagnation. Well depending on my mood. So I’m sure in about 10-30 minutes I may be busy dying my hair and painting my nails, or trying to walk Siobhan.

“I was in my bed trying to figure out why sometimes you can wake up and go back to sleep and other times you can’t”

My girl is home for a visit (yes this is her home) and this pleases me. I’ve been missing her more than I should maybe but she hasn’t been calling or texting like she used to do. She thinks she was just here a week ago when in fact it has been two so she must be pretty busy with the kids and such. We have something fun planned for today if we can motivate each other to follow through. If so, the pics should be pretty awesome.

I’m still struggling with the very unfamiliar desire to not be around other people. Mary excluded of course, I’ve never not wanted her around, I don’t think it is possible, she’s too damn funny and adorable. Everyone else well…I start to text or call and then I realize i just don’t want to. Who am I? I like people. I have great friends. I’m so confused.

I’m also trying to figure out how to explain that just because I feel invisible and insignificant in my marriage doesn’t mean I plan to end it. I’m not saying I’m mistreated or anything like that, I’m just married to someone with a very different way of showing love and affection. Some people seem to understand and others at least pretend to but some talk as if I am in need of some kind of intervention or they think they need to “save” me. I’m also trying to figure out how it keeps coming up. This is the first time in, I don’t know how long, that I have even brought up my marriage online in anyway. I talk to one or two people usually due to mutual issues or feelings but that is in private. I just don’t know. So from now on, I will do my very best to not say anything at all. I’m happy, my husband takes care of me, end of the line.

Other things…

I’ve had to neglect my health due to the holidaze. I’m working up to a real workout, eating smaller portions, drinking more water again and have made a list of healthy foods to get my metabolism going again and do some detoxing. What I really need to do is see a doctor. Just a family doctor I think. Over the past six months or so aside from my shrink and my therapist I have seen an orthopedist who gave me useless news but did give some relief for my knee, an OB/GYN who gave me good news, and  dermatologist who gave me prescriptions that are actually helping my skin issues (seems I have excema). I’ve been meaning to get my hearing tested but haven’t made it a priority with all the old medical bills just getting closer to collections. After thinking about it a bit and how fixing it might take some strain off my marriage and how our copay is pretty low usually, I have decided to figure out who to see and if it is covered and such. For the longest time I assumed Chris just had super hearing because he likes to be annoyed by the slightest sound not related to what he is doing. I also thought I was still in “tune out random noise” mode from being a mom. (As a parent you learn to tune out the little noises kids make while playing in their room or with their friends, your ears are tuned to red flags, not harmless noise, Chris does not have this.) Also, the times it was most annoying that I could not hear him, he was more than a foot ahead of me speaking away from me in a grocery store. I found logic in the fact I couldn’t understand what he was saying. Then I realized that was a new issue and I was saying “What?” so much that I was annoyed by it. So I’ll get it checked and if I have to wear a hearing aid, so be it. I won’t be overly surprised after decades of loud earphones and really loud concerts. I also won’t be surprised if nothing is wrong. I excel at any kind of test that does not require specific knowledge. I’m convinced I am (not purposely) cheating when I have eye exams.

So when I stopped eating half a pound of chocolate in the evening I stopped having nightmares. Chocolate and Chinese food. They always cause very vivid dreams or nightmares.

As soon as I pay off some medical bills I’m getting my next tattoo and hopefully touching some others up a bit. No one is going to tell me no or guilt me out of it. Everyone else gets to buy themselves things and such whenever they want, so can I. No point in trying to save up for a car until I know if I can even afford to own one.

Oh now I’m just annoyed and frustrated and…tired.

always take the time to enjoy the view from the cheap seats…

So it ends and then this begins. I’m swimming in a somewhat polluted sea of emotions and mental exhaustion. I have things to take care of, myself included, calls to make, old bills to start clearing away tomorrow assuming the bill for the last 6 weeks doesn’t wipe me out.

i started working out this morning. i always forget to breathe. i blame this on the inability to do so properly for the first 13 years of my life at which time my adenoids were removed and i was never told to practice not being an annoying mouth breather. so i forget to breathe and this slows down what should be normal progression into a regular work out. i weighed myself, 184. i honestly don’t care about the number but i’m too lazy to measure all the time so when i can stand naked in front of the mirror and not totally loathe what i see i will step on the scale again to see what the number is. seems my holiday gluttony only packed on abut 10lbs, surely that was mostly booze. next time i find myself happy with how i look i will sternly ignore unwanted comments that i am “too skinny” and “i must not be eating enough”. last time that happened i was almost 150 lbs. i just carry my weight in such a way that i don’t look as heavy as i am. truly i think if i could just shrink my thighs and upper arms, i’d be just fine with how i look but i can’t. not to mention it is hard to find clothes that fit everywhere ok but are not super tight on my thighs and upper arms. i had to buy jeans a size too big just to accommodate my thunder thighs. so now i have to find the only other belt i own because the one i really like died, as all my cool studded belts do.

i keep having fun ideas about my hair but have decided to learn from past experience and just take care of it as it grows and stop doing things that cause a need to chop it all off. i’m hoping to buy a couple more fun colors of hair chalk to calm my need for change. i really like how dramatically asymmetrical this cut is and hope to keep it that way as it grows long.

 

suddenly the view from where i sit is not as lovely as i’d like. i’m done with all this bright white and bitter cold. even as i think this, i realize it is likely here to stay for at the very least 2 long monotonous months. many people hate winter, for all their reasons, i’m quite ok with it until right about now until the fresh rains of spring and even then i sniffle through dirty and ever changing temperatures until summer comes and i do my best to enjoy the warmth and not get too sunsick until the very short perfection of fall. feels like a cruel joke that i now live next to a lovely cemetery and have to wait nearly a year to truly fully enjoy it.

just give me a minute, i’ll find something else to complain about.

“…everyone loves each other, but no one really likes eachother.”

i think maybe for the first time possibly ever, the holidays were too much for me. maybe all the drama of home buying and moving so far and into a small town again right before all the craziness of the holidays made it all so overwhelming. i think i really just want to have some time to myself. this feeling is new for me and who knows how long it will last. i noticed i was too eager for a reason to hide during parties and such. my drunken wandering was normal but just running off to hide so often, not quite so normal.

so i will stop trying so hard to be social when i very obviously can’t handle it right now.

maybe i will remember to play my violin. read more. get used to this house and this town.

other things…

i think i’ve finished my social networking reboot. goodbye sugargirl, for real.

i want to start writing letters again.

i really need to get my next bit of tattoo work done, redoing my ankh.

i’m lost.