always take the time to enjoy the view from the cheap seats…

by kaleidegirl

So it ends and then this begins. I’m swimming in a somewhat polluted sea of emotions and mental exhaustion. I have things to take care of, myself included, calls to make, old bills to start clearing away tomorrow assuming the bill for the last 6 weeks doesn’t wipe me out.

i started working out this morning. i always forget to breathe. i blame this on the inability to do so properly for the first 13 years of my life at which time my adenoids were removed and i was never told to practice not being an annoying mouth breather. so i forget to breathe and this slows down what should be normal progression into a regular work out. i weighed myself, 184. i honestly don’t care about the number but i’m too lazy to measure all the time so when i can stand naked in front of the mirror and not totally loathe what i see i will step on the scale again to see what the number is. seems my holiday gluttony only packed on abut 10lbs, surely that was mostly booze. next time i find myself happy with how i look i will sternly ignore unwanted comments that i am “too skinny” and “i must not be eating enough”. last time that happened i was almost 150 lbs. i just carry my weight in such a way that i don’t look as heavy as i am. truly i think if i could just shrink my thighs and upper arms, i’d be just fine with how i look but i can’t. not to mention it is hard to find clothes that fit everywhere ok but are not super tight on my thighs and upper arms. i had to buy jeans a size too big just to accommodate my thunder thighs. so now i have to find the only other belt i own because the one i really like died, as all my cool studded belts do.

i keep having fun ideas about my hair but have decided to learn from past experience and just take care of it as it grows and stop doing things that cause a need to chop it all off. i’m hoping to buy a couple more fun colors of hair chalk to calm my need for change. i really like how dramatically asymmetrical this cut is and hope to keep it that way as it grows long.

 

suddenly the view from where i sit is not as lovely as i’d like. i’m done with all this bright white and bitter cold. even as i think this, i realize it is likely here to stay for at the very least 2 long monotonous months. many people hate winter, for all their reasons, i’m quite ok with it until right about now until the fresh rains of spring and even then i sniffle through dirty and ever changing temperatures until summer comes and i do my best to enjoy the warmth and not get too sunsick until the very short perfection of fall. feels like a cruel joke that i now live next to a lovely cemetery and have to wait nearly a year to truly fully enjoy it.

just give me a minute, i’ll find something else to complain about.

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