“I was in my bed trying to figure out why sometimes you can wake up and go back to sleep and other times you can’t”

by kaleidegirl

My girl is home for a visit (yes this is her home) and this pleases me. I’ve been missing her more than I should maybe but she hasn’t been calling or texting like she used to do. She thinks she was just here a week ago when in fact it has been two so she must be pretty busy with the kids and such. We have something fun planned for today if we can motivate each other to follow through. If so, the pics should be pretty awesome.

I’m still struggling with the very unfamiliar desire to not be around other people. Mary excluded of course, I’ve never not wanted her around, I don’t think it is possible, she’s too damn funny and adorable. Everyone else well…I start to text or call and then I realize i just don’t want to. Who am I? I like people. I have great friends. I’m so confused.

I’m also trying to figure out how to explain that just because I feel invisible and insignificant in my marriage doesn’t mean I plan to end it. I’m not saying I’m mistreated or anything like that, I’m just married to someone with a very different way of showing love and affection. Some people seem to understand and others at least pretend to but some talk as if I am in need of some kind of intervention or they think they need to “save” me. I’m also trying to figure out how it keeps coming up. This is the first time in, I don’t know how long, that I have even brought up my marriage online in anyway. I talk to one or two people usually due to mutual issues or feelings but that is in private. I just don’t know. So from now on, I will do my very best to not say anything at all. I’m happy, my husband takes care of me, end of the line.

Other things…

I’ve had to neglect my health due to the holidaze. I’m working up to a real workout, eating smaller portions, drinking more water again and have made a list of healthy foods to get my metabolism going again and do some detoxing. What I really need to do is see a doctor. Just a family doctor I think. Over the past six months or so aside from my shrink and my therapist I have seen an orthopedist who gave me useless news but did give some relief for my knee, an OB/GYN who gave me good news, and  dermatologist who gave me prescriptions that are actually helping my skin issues (seems I have excema). I’ve been meaning to get my hearing tested but haven’t made it a priority with all the old medical bills just getting closer to collections. After thinking about it a bit and how fixing it might take some strain off my marriage and how our copay is pretty low usually, I have decided to figure out who to see and if it is covered and such. For the longest time I assumed Chris just had super hearing because he likes to be annoyed by the slightest sound not related to what he is doing. I also thought I was still in “tune out random noise” mode from being a mom. (As a parent you learn to tune out the little noises kids make while playing in their room or with their friends, your ears are tuned to red flags, not harmless noise, Chris does not have this.) Also, the times it was most annoying that I could not hear him, he was more than a foot ahead of me speaking away from me in a grocery store. I found logic in the fact I couldn’t understand what he was saying. Then I realized that was a new issue and I was saying “What?” so much that I was annoyed by it. So I’ll get it checked and if I have to wear a hearing aid, so be it. I won’t be overly surprised after decades of loud earphones and really loud concerts. I also won’t be surprised if nothing is wrong. I excel at any kind of test that does not require specific knowledge. I’m convinced I am (not purposely) cheating when I have eye exams.

So when I stopped eating half a pound of chocolate in the evening I stopped having nightmares. Chocolate and Chinese food. They always cause very vivid dreams or nightmares.

As soon as I pay off some medical bills I’m getting my next tattoo and hopefully touching some others up a bit. No one is going to tell me no or guilt me out of it. Everyone else gets to buy themselves things and such whenever they want, so can I. No point in trying to save up for a car until I know if I can even afford to own one.

Oh now I’m just annoyed and frustrated and…tired.

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