Immobility, having to sit around wearing an ice machine on your knee with your leg propped up on four pillows, this gives you a lot of time to think.
For someone who already thinks too much…not really a good thing.
Sure, I could have read, watched a movie or watched Dr. Who but those things are already hard to do. My brain won’t settle down. It took a week for me to read a 282 page book on my tablet. A few years ago, I would have finished that in a day, maybe one sitting.
I’ve been working really hard on my marriage. Keeping calm, being understanding yet standing up for myself, doing my best to keep up on my share of everything. Progress is being made. My most important issue feels something like resolved. Communication is getting better, which if you know my husband at all is a lot like moving a mountain.
I always felt like I am the same person I’ve always been, fundamentally. I wanted a daughter even though I doubted every aspect of myself that I was sure I would be as horrible of a mother as my own, somehow I managed to fake my way through raising my daughter and managed to do far better than I hoped. I still have no goals for the future aside from real, honest, like a movie or lovesong true love with my best friend. Someday? I still listen to music from when I was a teenager. I still talk too much. I still dye my hair black and wear mostly all black. You get the idea.
I have changed. Not in any obvious ways. I still feel and act a lot like a 17 year old. Somehow though I have managed to mature in ways I never thought I would. Not for at least another 20 or so years at least, if then. My goals, goal I mean, hasn’t changed and it is still the only one. I have hopes, hopes for my daughter, my friends, my family but goals….no. All I need is harmony and love. The rest are details. Like learning my violin, really fluently speaking French, and always improving my photography skills for my business. Details.
I used to have this very serious issue about holding grudges. I still do. I believe in second chances or just moving on. Truth be told, there are two people I have been hating,really hating. One for about 10 years, the other for about 3-4 years. I’ve been steadfastly against even thinking about making amends with the latter and will never not loathe the former. One of them was once a good friend but honestly a lot of the time I was just afraid to disagree with her and just afraid of her in general. I went out of my way to try and make her happy or help and never called her out when she screwed me over or acted like a big cry baby. I would just forgive and mostly forget. Then she decided I was evil. I was faking my mental health issues, I didn’t shower, I was a freeloader, I was a horrible mother and took my daughters’ money and hers too and when she asked to have Mary visit she claimed I coached her to be a “huge spoiled brat” while visiting just to be a bitch. (Yeah, that is so like me, Bwahahahahhaha! I’m not being amused to be a bitch, the idea that I would even think to do something like that is seriously laughable) She put up this whole post on LiveJournal explaining to everyone what a saint she was and all these (above) horrible things I was all because I made a vague comment on my LJ that could have been about anyone and actually was about more than one person. I chose not to retaliate with a post full of accurate complaints. I just did my best to move on. The night she tried to put my head through the floor of every room in the house as I ran crying in confusion because “I didn’t appreciate my boyfriend like I should” (which came out of nowhere while we were dancing and singing along to The Cure, that night is hard to get past, but I will keep trying.
The other day I was reminded of this person by a friend. She was trying to remember a wedding she went to with me, who it was that got married. After about 5 minutes of back and forth guessing and asking more info I finally realized who she was talking about. Surprisingly I don’t think that she became the topic of conversation. She did become one of the topics running through my brain. Firstly I was proud of myself for not actively hating her for many years now. I also felt like I was supposed to try and make amends maybe. That is what I usually do. Not being fond of holding grudges and all. If she has changed as much as I have changed then maybe we could be friends again. If she hasn’t changed, the person I am now could not and would not tolerate her as she was. I have something of a back bone now among other things that have changed. On the other hand, I’ve never been one to dismiss people because of differences. I suppose I just wouldn’t be her doormat like I was before.
I’m just not sure I want to. If she hasn’t changed, anything I say will be twisted into some ugly drama. If she has been hating me all these years, well that would be unpleasant as well. I’ve never had an enemy before. I never question if my forgiveness is deserved. I think everyone deserves at least a second chance. Unless you mess with my kid. Mess with her and you will never see her or myself again or I will make your life hell. I have proven this, do not test me. Also, maybe I should assume that if she wants to talk to me, she would have by now.
I suppose I need to think on this a bit longer.
Honestly, I’m just still adjusting to this new reality. I’m someone else. I’m not 17 year old Jennifer anymore. It isn’t just because of the drastic changes in my daily life over the past years, I think what it really is is my need for positivity, harmony and love is so much more pressing and intense. My two faces, the one I hide and the one for show, are merging, slowly.
Change. That is what is happening. Not crazy unplanned, turn my world upside down in some horrible way change.
Well, isn’t that refreshing.