“Accidentally on purpose…”

the attention just encourages her..

Month: March, 2014

“Culture is perishing in overproduction, in an avalanche of words, in the madness of quantity.”

I’m often saddened by the world we all live in.

Today I found myself in a mix of furious, confused and bewildered.

Why have we not learned? Why have we not evolved?

Not even 100 years ago people believed owning human beings was not only acceptable but the natural order.  One man managed to inspire genocide. Women had to fight for equal rights. So many other atrocities of society existed and I’m sure many still do.

When most people think about these things now, people who were not around to really see these things happen, we are HORRIFIED, ASHAMED, and APPALLED that these things could possibly happen.

Well guess what?

Now, in our lifetimes, and the times our children are growing up in, we are allowing things to happen that will be viewed in 100 years the way we view slavery, the holocaust and women’s suffrage and all past and current atrocities happening everywhere.

Am I just being naive?

“Only the most naive of questions are truly serious.”

It really seems like we should have learned.

It is so sad that people who love each other have to fight for the right to be married, be parents, be a family, pretty much because of one religion assuming the whole world should live as they do. Politicians are making obscene amounts of money off of the backs of the poor who probably didn’t even vote for them. Measles is back because “celebrities” have more influence than experience and education. The elderly are treated like criminals while criminals are treated as the elderly should be. I could go on and on and still not be able to list all of the horrible things we are not just letting happen but making happen.

I’m just fairly disgusted with the world at the moment. Also a bit annoyed in the knowledge that it will likely only get worse.

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“This is your life and its ending one moment at a time.”

No matter how good your life is, especially compared to how it once was, some things just are.

I wake up many mornings feeling so much like “this is not my beautiful house” and still each day the chemical imbalance in my brain causes a rapid fire of varied emotions and moods from one moment to the next throughout each and every day and I struggle through the best I can and better and better all the time.

You can have so much. So much love, good fortune, great friends, great family and blessings you never thought possible and still fight the fear in the back of your mind that one day Karma is going to knock on your door and say, “Sorry, my mistake.” And all you loved will go away.

For so many years I had a suicidal leaning. I lived with a self loathing that, looking back, made me a person I am ashamed of. At some point I realized I was afraid to be happy, about almost anything. I was convinced that all the undeserved good luck I always had was going to back fire in the most horrifying way the moment I started to live for real. I felt like I was being punished for taking life for granted and if I tried to just start enjoying it, I would suffer more than I could cope with, in some way that I could not escape. So this became my fear, my sadness, my emotional suicide. My penance if you will, for having the nerve to try and end my life.

Eventually, I walked to the edge of the proverbial cliff and took that first step. I didn’t fall so I kept going.

I’m not afraid to enjoy life anymore.

I’m not magically cured of my mental health issues. My childhood has not become, suddenly some wonderland of bliss for me to look back fondly on. But, I still have to do my best each day to deal with things, accept things and keep learning how to cope.

I’m just not afraid to live anymore and I never really told anyone.

I still have my guilt. When I look back at my life I see a lot of life wasted in fear and madness for no good reason. I see a terrified girl taking for granted something billions of people are deprived of every day. Mothers lost to illness, children who left too soon to be as selfish as me, talented and brilliant people killed in car and plane crashes, babies and children born without the ability to enjoy the kind of life I have squandered. I think of all these people, all the people stronger than me and the guilt and shame in my soul screams at me for my selfishness.

I know this all seems so depressing and self absorbed and well it is.

Also though, if you are reading this, you have a right to know that you are part of it. You have in some way brought me to this or you came into my life after and made it even better. If you are reading this I am grateful to have you in my life.

 

Saturday night my husband threw the best surprise birthday party ever. Complete with covert operations to purchase food and keep me away, the most beautiful cake ever, presents, oh such wonderful presents, and the best friends and family to enjoy it all with.

I am truly blessed and lucky.

Now if I could just lose about 30-40 pounds before summer to look really smokin hot in my new bikini I think my life might be just about as good as it can be.

Even better if you have a cure for crazy….no? Well I had to try.

“This moment will just be another story someday.”

I keep forgetting that my 37th birthday comes around next week. I find it odd because, though it seems like an insignificant age, this year marks 20 years of life I tried to keep from happening. That happened a lot off and on for quite some time but 2 days after my 17th birthday I was nearly successful.

For several years I went back and forth between hating and fearing my birthday, denying it, demanding everyone ignore it to having big parties or spoiling myself with something expensive I always wanted. As a child, my birthday wasn’t celebrated. I think my mother has said “Happy Birthday” to me all of one time that I actually remember and I had one party when I was 6 at a neighbors house. If that wasn’t enough to kill my self esteem, my mother told me on a nearly daily basis that my birth, my very existence had ruined her life.

I still can’t make sense of that. Mary is everything to me. There is not one thing in this world that I would not do to make her happy, help her, care for her, teach her and show her every possible chance how very much I love her. She gave me life, even more than I gave her. She gave me hope. She brings me the kind of happiness no one else seems capable of. I laugh so much every time I talk to her or see her.

Every year for her birthday I do all I can to show her how happy I am that she exists to bring so much joy to my life. I love celebrating the day she was born. That day is and always will be the best and most important day of my life.

So.

20 years.

Thank you M. You saved me and now I have the love I lacked for so much of my life. You saved me so I could be saved everyday by Mary and now by Chris and his wonderful family that has accepted me as their own.

I will never deny my birthday again. I don’t need to make a big deal, I just won’t try to avoid it or cringe while trying to thank people for happy birthdays and gifts.

I’m sure this all seems quite dramatic but really it isn’t. It is a part of me and part of my life and most people know about it.

My crazy is out of whack this time of year (Feb-Aug ish) which I’ve finally caught at the start and have a plan suggested by my dr to manage it. Hopefully all those years of major freak outs and letting my life fall apart.

If you can read this, I want to thank you for the good that you bring to my life, the advice you offer up freely, the support you give when I have a bad day, your help fixing my ruined hair, your tolerance of me in general and for your friendship.

20 years.