“This moment will just be another story someday.”

by kaleidegirl

I keep forgetting that my 37th birthday comes around next week. I find it odd because, though it seems like an insignificant age, this year marks 20 years of life I tried to keep from happening. That happened a lot off and on for quite some time but 2 days after my 17th birthday I was nearly successful.

For several years I went back and forth between hating and fearing my birthday, denying it, demanding everyone ignore it to having big parties or spoiling myself with something expensive I always wanted. As a child, my birthday wasn’t celebrated. I think my mother has said “Happy Birthday” to me all of one time that I actually remember and I had one party when I was 6 at a neighbors house. If that wasn’t enough to kill my self esteem, my mother told me on a nearly daily basis that my birth, my very existence had ruined her life.

I still can’t make sense of that. Mary is everything to me. There is not one thing in this world that I would not do to make her happy, help her, care for her, teach her and show her every possible chance how very much I love her. She gave me life, even more than I gave her. She gave me hope. She brings me the kind of happiness no one else seems capable of. I laugh so much every time I talk to her or see her.

Every year for her birthday I do all I can to show her how happy I am that she exists to bring so much joy to my life. I love celebrating the day she was born. That day is and always will be the best and most important day of my life.

So.

20 years.

Thank you M. You saved me and now I have the love I lacked for so much of my life. You saved me so I could be saved everyday by Mary and now by Chris and his wonderful family that has accepted me as their own.

I will never deny my birthday again. I don’t need to make a big deal, I just won’t try to avoid it or cringe while trying to thank people for happy birthdays and gifts.

I’m sure this all seems quite dramatic but really it isn’t. It is a part of me and part of my life and most people know about it.

My crazy is out of whack this time of year (Feb-Aug ish) which I’ve finally caught at the start and have a plan suggested by my dr to manage it. Hopefully all those years of major freak outs and letting my life fall apart.

If you can read this, I want to thank you for the good that you bring to my life, the advice you offer up freely, the support you give when I have a bad day, your help fixing my ruined hair, your tolerance of me in general and for your friendship.

20 years.

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