“This is your life and its ending one moment at a time.”
No matter how good your life is, especially compared to how it once was, some things just are.
I wake up many mornings feeling so much like “this is not my beautiful house” and still each day the chemical imbalance in my brain causes a rapid fire of varied emotions and moods from one moment to the next throughout each and every day and I struggle through the best I can and better and better all the time.
You can have so much. So much love, good fortune, great friends, great family and blessings you never thought possible and still fight the fear in the back of your mind that one day Karma is going to knock on your door and say, “Sorry, my mistake.” And all you loved will go away.
For so many years I had a suicidal leaning. I lived with a self loathing that, looking back, made me a person I am ashamed of. At some point I realized I was afraid to be happy, about almost anything. I was convinced that all the undeserved good luck I always had was going to back fire in the most horrifying way the moment I started to live for real. I felt like I was being punished for taking life for granted and if I tried to just start enjoying it, I would suffer more than I could cope with, in some way that I could not escape. So this became my fear, my sadness, my emotional suicide. My penance if you will, for having the nerve to try and end my life.
Eventually, I walked to the edge of the proverbial cliff and took that first step. I didn’t fall so I kept going.
I’m not afraid to enjoy life anymore.
I’m not magically cured of my mental health issues. My childhood has not become, suddenly some wonderland of bliss for me to look back fondly on. But, I still have to do my best each day to deal with things, accept things and keep learning how to cope.
I’m just not afraid to live anymore and I never really told anyone.
I still have my guilt. When I look back at my life I see a lot of life wasted in fear and madness for no good reason. I see a terrified girl taking for granted something billions of people are deprived of every day. Mothers lost to illness, children who left too soon to be as selfish as me, talented and brilliant people killed in car and plane crashes, babies and children born without the ability to enjoy the kind of life I have squandered. I think of all these people, all the people stronger than me and the guilt and shame in my soul screams at me for my selfishness.
I know this all seems so depressing and self absorbed and well it is.
Also though, if you are reading this, you have a right to know that you are part of it. You have in some way brought me to this or you came into my life after and made it even better. If you are reading this I am grateful to have you in my life.
Saturday night my husband threw the best surprise birthday party ever. Complete with covert operations to purchase food and keep me away, the most beautiful cake ever, presents, oh such wonderful presents, and the best friends and family to enjoy it all with.
I am truly blessed and lucky.
Now if I could just lose about 30-40 pounds before summer to look really smokin hot in my new bikini I think my life might be just about as good as it can be.
Even better if you have a cure for crazy….no? Well I had to try.