“Accidentally on purpose…”

the attention just encourages her..

Month: April, 2014

Nothing is trivial…

I have never found myself in  the “comfortable stage”. Maybe because I am a serial monogamist. Maybe because I leave when the love leaves.  I worry that he will continue to be comfortable and let his romance stay wherever he has stashed it. I worry because if he does this and I stay, I am more likely to regret it someday than not.

I would miss his voice. I especially like to hear his voice when he is on the phone, even more when he is on the phone with me. He just has the sweetest sexiest voice.

He is so generous. He won’t settle for cheap gifts for the kids, any of the kids we care about, when birthdays and xmas come around. He helps people in need without hesitation. So many don’t realize how much he wants to just give and that is something that makes his soul so beautiful to me.

For no reason I can understand, he does this adorable thing when he is standing up and thinking, usually in the kitchen. He stands curling his toes under on one foot.

He has really strong toned arms and legs. I have no idea how. Aside from helping people move or carrying groceries he hasn’t done the kind of manual labor to warrant such well toned and so strong muscles. Every job he’s had was a desk type job. This boggles my mind but I’m not complaining, I love having those strong arms around me or helping up or down.

 

I love so many little things about him and I cling to them when things seem dark and the end seems far too close.

I spend a normal (or far too much depending on who you ask) girl amount of time in the bathroom, trying to find something to get his attention.

He says I look “nice” about 99% of the time. The rest he maybe says “cute” or something. I’m never “hot”, “beautiful”, “sexy”, “pretty”….I keep asking, pick a different adjective. Would it matter though if just my appearance doesn’t make you naturally think these things??

He paints my toenails for me. I have no idea why he insists on helping me with it but I love it, it is such an odd intimate thing, or could be if intimacy existed here. Does he ever notice that I have quite nice feet?

I wonder if he knows how vain I am…I say it all the time. I own that because there is no denying it. He never takes my picture when I look my best.  He takes my picture when I haven’t done my hair or make up and I look awful. No really, I do. I make him delete them and he does, they are that bad.

Does he think it is cute that I can’t decide if I’m hot or cold at night so I kick one leg up on top of the comforter. Does he ever notice me holding that leg because I have to hold something.

Is he proud of me for coping so well with my crazy, trying so hard to make us happy?

Does he give me any credit for how well raised my daughter is?

It worries me that he thinks I would be lost without him because it is actually the other way round. I can be a loner. I can survive. He needs someone to complete him. I wonder if he knows how much?

Maybe it is wrong and selfish and shallow of me to feel cheated because he never wants to have our photo taken together when we are out having fun or somewhere pretty or cool and he never calls me anything, not honey, sweetie, baby, or even my name (I get this one little butterfly inside when he has to tell someone else my name) and he buys me pets instead of flowers, he sits angrily ignoring me when he is in the wrong instead of writing a sweet letter or just offering a sincere apology. Maybe I am wrong and selfish and shallow to feel that if you do your best to give someone what they want/need then they should, out of courtesy if nothing else, do the same for you.

If this is the last love we will have…it seems like we should really enjoy it.

Nothing is trivial and if you think it is, it probably means the world to someone else.

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Are you ‘really’ paying attention? No, I’m quite sure you’re not.

My brain keeps saying that I’m changing but that isn’t the right word. What’s the word? What’s that damn word? Does it exist? I’m taking myself back. I won’t be owned, walked on or taken for granted anymore. I left my discounted price tag somewhere far behind me now. I could die today, I don’t have time to waste being unhappy to make others happy. (you get what everyone gets…) If you want me, you will take me as I truly am. If you ever bothered to get to know me you would know it really is an improvement. I’m happier, I can be more fun, I’m less anxious, less stressed, less self conscious, more confident which I’m sure many have never even seen a glimmer of in this paradoxically vain wallflower.

Some know that I am in the springtime of my crazy. This is not that. Even if it was, there is nothing wrong with that. I’ve missed myself for so long. I just realized that I am probably the only person I know over 30 who has to put forth special effort just to be themselves, to be real and honest. Decades of people pleasing, such a cozy doormat for walking over, my insecurity making you look so good.

No more. Again I say, take me or leave me. This person I’ve become, that I’ve been for so long is being shaken off like unwanted snow in April. This is my new year, my sunrise, my calm before the storm….I am bringing the summer into the winter of my life, even if the sun is too bright.

At least I will be warm.

“been tryin’ hard not to get into trouble but I got a war in my mind”

 

“I just want you to know that you’re very special… and the only reason I’m telling you is that I don’t know if anyone else ever has.”

I woke up early this morning. Light headed, dizzy, depressed and getting up with the weight of a hurt that should have passed. It could have if compassion, love, understanding or care existed yesterday.

Anger is painful for me. Literally, physically painful. For this reason I have made great strides in avoiding it and fighting it. With that said, if you see me angry, know that I either have very good reason or have been emotionally hurt to a point I cannot handle and my brain decides anger is easier and the flood gates of rage open.

I am so grateful for the friends I have even if I still feel very alone far too often. I thought that knowing ahead of time about the springtime of my crazy would be helpful but I am struggling even more for the knowing. Struggling alone. When did that start to bother me? I spent the first half or more of my life invisible and I didn’t really care, maybe that is just the cozy lie I told myself. (as “Terrible Lie” by NIN plays on my laptop)

I’m trying so very hard, I truly am. I try to feel honest in my smiles and laughter. I make notes, lists and set alarms trying to be a useful human being. I keep negativity to myself as much as I possibly can. I wear my mask at home, in public,  even as I lay down to sleep I keep that mask fixed tightly as I can. I live a lie but it is a very pretty lie.

I am really struggling so much. I had to get some things out of my head. I feel I haven’t the right to complain in any way but I am hurting and fighting and I feel like I am losing. Impending doom seems this inevitable thing and it will arrive at any moment.