“I just want you to know that you’re very special… and the only reason I’m telling you is that I don’t know if anyone else ever has.”
I woke up early this morning. Light headed, dizzy, depressed and getting up with the weight of a hurt that should have passed. It could have if compassion, love, understanding or care existed yesterday.
Anger is painful for me. Literally, physically painful. For this reason I have made great strides in avoiding it and fighting it. With that said, if you see me angry, know that I either have very good reason or have been emotionally hurt to a point I cannot handle and my brain decides anger is easier and the flood gates of rage open.
I am so grateful for the friends I have even if I still feel very alone far too often. I thought that knowing ahead of time about the springtime of my crazy would be helpful but I am struggling even more for the knowing. Struggling alone. When did that start to bother me? I spent the first half or more of my life invisible and I didn’t really care, maybe that is just the cozy lie I told myself. (as “Terrible Lie” by NIN plays on my laptop)
I’m trying so very hard, I truly am. I try to feel honest in my smiles and laughter. I make notes, lists and set alarms trying to be a useful human being. I keep negativity to myself as much as I possibly can. I wear my mask at home, in public, even as I lay down to sleep I keep that mask fixed tightly as I can. I live a lie but it is a very pretty lie.
I am really struggling so much. I had to get some things out of my head. I feel I haven’t the right to complain in any way but I am hurting and fighting and I feel like I am losing. Impending doom seems this inevitable thing and it will arrive at any moment.