Are you ‘really’ paying attention? No, I’m quite sure you’re not.

by kaleidegirl

My brain keeps saying that I’m changing but that isn’t the right word. What’s the word? What’s that damn word? Does it exist? I’m taking myself back. I won’t be owned, walked on or taken for granted anymore. I left my discounted price tag somewhere far behind me now. I could die today, I don’t have time to waste being unhappy to make others happy. (you get what everyone gets…) If you want me, you will take me as I truly am. If you ever bothered to get to know me you would know it really is an improvement. I’m happier, I can be more fun, I’m less anxious, less stressed, less self conscious, more confident which I’m sure many have never even seen a glimmer of in this paradoxically vain wallflower.

Some know that I am in the springtime of my crazy. This is not that. Even if it was, there is nothing wrong with that. I’ve missed myself for so long. I just realized that I am probably the only person I know over 30 who has to put forth special effort just to be themselves, to be real and honest. Decades of people pleasing, such a cozy doormat for walking over, my insecurity making you look so good.

No more. Again I say, take me or leave me. This person I’ve become, that I’ve been for so long is being shaken off like unwanted snow in April. This is my new year, my sunrise, my calm before the storm….I am bringing the summer into the winter of my life, even if the sun is too bright.

At least I will be warm.

“been tryin’ hard not to get into trouble but I got a war in my mind”

 

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