Nothing is trivial…

by kaleidegirl

I have never found myself in  the “comfortable stage”. Maybe because I am a serial monogamist. Maybe because I leave when the love leaves.  I worry that he will continue to be comfortable and let his romance stay wherever he has stashed it. I worry because if he does this and I stay, I am more likely to regret it someday than not.

I would miss his voice. I especially like to hear his voice when he is on the phone, even more when he is on the phone with me. He just has the sweetest sexiest voice.

He is so generous. He won’t settle for cheap gifts for the kids, any of the kids we care about, when birthdays and xmas come around. He helps people in need without hesitation. So many don’t realize how much he wants to just give and that is something that makes his soul so beautiful to me.

For no reason I can understand, he does this adorable thing when he is standing up and thinking, usually in the kitchen. He stands curling his toes under on one foot.

He has really strong toned arms and legs. I have no idea how. Aside from helping people move or carrying groceries he hasn’t done the kind of manual labor to warrant such well toned and so strong muscles. Every job he’s had was a desk type job. This boggles my mind but I’m not complaining, I love having those strong arms around me or helping up or down.

 

I love so many little things about him and I cling to them when things seem dark and the end seems far too close.

I spend a normal (or far too much depending on who you ask) girl amount of time in the bathroom, trying to find something to get his attention.

He says I look “nice” about 99% of the time. The rest he maybe says “cute” or something. I’m never “hot”, “beautiful”, “sexy”, “pretty”….I keep asking, pick a different adjective. Would it matter though if just my appearance doesn’t make you naturally think these things??

He paints my toenails for me. I have no idea why he insists on helping me with it but I love it, it is such an odd intimate thing, or could be if intimacy existed here. Does he ever notice that I have quite nice feet?

I wonder if he knows how vain I am…I say it all the time. I own that because there is no denying it. He never takes my picture when I look my best.  He takes my picture when I haven’t done my hair or make up and I look awful. No really, I do. I make him delete them and he does, they are that bad.

Does he think it is cute that I can’t decide if I’m hot or cold at night so I kick one leg up on top of the comforter. Does he ever notice me holding that leg because I have to hold something.

Is he proud of me for coping so well with my crazy, trying so hard to make us happy?

Does he give me any credit for how well raised my daughter is?

It worries me that he thinks I would be lost without him because it is actually the other way round. I can be a loner. I can survive. He needs someone to complete him. I wonder if he knows how much?

Maybe it is wrong and selfish and shallow of me to feel cheated because he never wants to have our photo taken together when we are out having fun or somewhere pretty or cool and he never calls me anything, not honey, sweetie, baby, or even my name (I get this one little butterfly inside when he has to tell someone else my name) and he buys me pets instead of flowers, he sits angrily ignoring me when he is in the wrong instead of writing a sweet letter or just offering a sincere apology. Maybe I am wrong and selfish and shallow to feel that if you do your best to give someone what they want/need then they should, out of courtesy if nothing else, do the same for you.

If this is the last love we will have…it seems like we should really enjoy it.

Nothing is trivial and if you think it is, it probably means the world to someone else.

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