“Accidentally on purpose…”

the attention just encourages her..

Month: May, 2014

we all have our own crazy, the trick is finding someone who likes the taste of yours or at least doesn’t puke it up

It has been a strange day. Oh, who the hell am I kidding, all my days are strange. Today was strange in a good way though, better than usual, not that things like “usual” exist here in my world. It was nice to see my daughter and I hope Tlee really does color me a picture. We didn’t see Skye at the beaners but we did see Amelia and all of the things I wish I could buy at the hot topic.

and then! motorcycle ride with Jim and his loverly wife Mary. The fairly sharp curve to get on the expressway was a lot like a ride at cedar point and going fast after that…you find yourself having little zen moments, in between the moments you are sure you are going to crash or fall off, which happen in between the moments you realize you are probably holding on too tight. I love it. I really do. It is my favorite form of therapy…oh shit therapy! I have to see that wackado!

I started this last night but I was too tired to finish when the husband got up to go to bed. So I got up and went to bed.

Just barely 9 am and the strange is holding on. The bitterness is increasing.  There has just been a huge development in, well my life but not just mine. I’ve known for so long. Well I knew something, it just didn’t have a name for so long. There is some extra guilt looming over me but if we’re keeping score, I won years ago so I’m trying to just move forward and try not to let it all crash and burn. Here’s hoping.

Time to clean and workout and see where today is going…

this is not my beautiful house….

I’m still struggling a bit with my breakdown. Still feeling overwhelmed. Mania is in high gear and shows no sign of letting up but then again it never does. Like a storm it blows through, breaks things, makes a lot of noise in my head and then just dissipates without warning. I tried to get some help and support at home, so I could cope better. Sadly patience for my crazy ran out years ago and I’m just this insane childish bitch to be avoided at all costs now. You CANNOT ever redeem yourself no matter how many years go by and you keep it together. This makes me bitter on top of everything else.

I’m trying to control what I can to counteract what I can’t.  I’m getting back in shape. I’m trying to organize myself. My memory is making all my responsibilities far too overwhelming for me. So like a good friend would say, “I have to make a fucking list.” So far I have four lists. Not sure if its helping, but we’ll see.

I’m also trying to figure if not wearing make up or doing my hair is actually an issue or I’m just unattractive in general. Feeling very fat and ugly and undesirable. It is pretty sad when the best compliment you get all month is from the mailman and you still feel disgusting. I don’t think anyone realizes how serious and emotionally damaging my body dysmorphia is. Hell, my husband probably doesn’t even understand what it actually is. I might bitchslap the next person who gets mad at me for not thinking I’m a fucking super model or pin up girl. If they saw what I did when I look in the mirror…they would probably start slapping food out of my hands.

So I workout everyday. I drink tons of water. I try and try to avoid junk. I’m doing all I can really.

In addition to all this, I wake up most mornings and feel like I don’t belong here. I think it stems from where my life began, the places in ended up and then suddenly being here. Beautiful house, flowers and roses planted all around, a cemetery behind the back yard, pet birds, dragons, cats (one that really loves and cuddles me in bed), a dog at my husbands feet in the evening and a puppy under mine….how did I get here? Really? This isn’t what I planned if I ever planned this far ahead. I look….

photo 2(1)photo 1(1)  photo 3(1)

and I feel like this is all too nice, too good…it feels especially unreal in the early hours of the morning.

I feel out of place.

I feel unworthy.

“So I trick myself Like everybody else…”

I’m not supposed to worry about getting everything done, but I can’t handle the guilt trip if I don’t.

I’m a terrible mean person for wanting people to communicate better but I am repeatedly condemned for the slightest silence or miscommunication.

If I ask for an opinion I’m expected to treat it as a demand or expectation.

It is okay for me to want things, as long as no one thinks what I want is “stupid”, “too big” or “not important”, even as I watch others go the next step and go and get their stupid, too big or not important things as if their very life depended on it. I watch in bitterness and silence now.

I obsessively fight to hide my crazy. I often do well for long periods. No one notices. No one cares. That’s fine until I finally wear down and break and suddenly it is some big surprise that I am crazy, and I’m wrong in every way and it is all my fault and the comfort of kind words and affection is something I seem to be unworthy of.

This is my pity party.

I don’t have a best friend.

Anyone who would care has no idea what all this is because I hide this day in and day out. I do it for you. I do it for my daughter. I do it selfishly for me because I hate the pain of loneliness and condemnation and the guilt of knowing eleventy billion people have it so much worse and maybe that is the worst part…I don’t feel allowed to be unhappy ever.

With any luck I will find a way to remember to stop. Stop being out loud in anyway.

“I am slowing down
As the years go by
I am sinking…”