“So I trick myself Like everybody else…”

by kaleidegirl

I’m not supposed to worry about getting everything done, but I can’t handle the guilt trip if I don’t.

I’m a terrible mean person for wanting people to communicate better but I am repeatedly condemned for the slightest silence or miscommunication.

If I ask for an opinion I’m expected to treat it as a demand or expectation.

It is okay for me to want things, as long as no one thinks what I want is “stupid”, “too big” or “not important”, even as I watch others go the next step and go and get their stupid, too big or not important things as if their very life depended on it. I watch in bitterness and silence now.

I obsessively fight to hide my crazy. I often do well for long periods. No one notices. No one cares. That’s fine until I finally wear down and break and suddenly it is some big surprise that I am crazy, and I’m wrong in every way and it is all my fault and the comfort of kind words and affection is something I seem to be unworthy of.

This is my pity party.

I don’t have a best friend.

Anyone who would care has no idea what all this is because I hide this day in and day out. I do it for you. I do it for my daughter. I do it selfishly for me because I hate the pain of loneliness and condemnation and the guilt of knowing eleventy billion people have it so much worse and maybe that is the worst part…I don’t feel allowed to be unhappy ever.

With any luck I will find a way to remember to stop. Stop being out loud in anyway.

“I am slowing down
As the years go by
I am sinking…”

 

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