this is not my beautiful house….

by kaleidegirl

I’m still struggling a bit with my breakdown. Still feeling overwhelmed. Mania is in high gear and shows no sign of letting up but then again it never does. Like a storm it blows through, breaks things, makes a lot of noise in my head and then just dissipates without warning. I tried to get some help and support at home, so I could cope better. Sadly patience for my crazy ran out years ago and I’m just this insane childish bitch to be avoided at all costs now. You CANNOT ever redeem yourself no matter how many years go by and you keep it together. This makes me bitter on top of everything else.

I’m trying to control what I can to counteract what I can’t.  I’m getting back in shape. I’m trying to organize myself. My memory is making all my responsibilities far too overwhelming for me. So like a good friend would say, “I have to make a fucking list.” So far I have four lists. Not sure if its helping, but we’ll see.

I’m also trying to figure if not wearing make up or doing my hair is actually an issue or I’m just unattractive in general. Feeling very fat and ugly and undesirable. It is pretty sad when the best compliment you get all month is from the mailman and you still feel disgusting. I don’t think anyone realizes how serious and emotionally damaging my body dysmorphia is. Hell, my husband probably doesn’t even understand what it actually is. I might bitchslap the next person who gets mad at me for not thinking I’m a fucking super model or pin up girl. If they saw what I did when I look in the mirror…they would probably start slapping food out of my hands.

So I workout everyday. I drink tons of water. I try and try to avoid junk. I’m doing all I can really.

In addition to all this, I wake up most mornings and feel like I don’t belong here. I think it stems from where my life began, the places in ended up and then suddenly being here. Beautiful house, flowers and roses planted all around, a cemetery behind the back yard, pet birds, dragons, cats (one that really loves and cuddles me in bed), a dog at my husbands feet in the evening and a puppy under mine….how did I get here? Really? This isn’t what I planned if I ever planned this far ahead. I look….

photo 2(1)photo 1(1)  photo 3(1)

and I feel like this is all too nice, too good…it feels especially unreal in the early hours of the morning.

I feel out of place.

I feel unworthy.