“Accidentally on purpose…”

the attention just encourages her..

Month: August, 2014

“suddenly everything has changed…”

The ability to sleep left early this morning. I think it followed my man right out of the house after he kissed me goodbye. A kiss that felt different somehow though I was too sleepy to fully realize that feeling, whatever it was. Maybe I was just awake enough, as I sometimes am, that I had that familiar “why oh why do you have to leave right this minute?” feeling. Maybe the kiss felt different because I was saying that, with my lips and my heart. It sounds so cheesy but things often do when love is the topic at hand.

Things recently and sort of suddenly became quite wonderful between my husband and I. I’m not sure he even noticed and I have no idea what changed and truthfully I really don’t care. I am just so relieved. Things have felt so unsteady and shaky off and on for a long time, it is nice to feel some solid ground somewhere in my life. I’m still insecure and still struggling with my body dysmorphia and trying very hard to lose this weight the right way, the long term way. Thankfully he is being supportive rather than just saying I look “fine” or I’m “not fat”. By supportive I mean he has not made me feel bad about the changes in my eating habits or the healthier foods I am trying to have on hand while he is gone at work. (He buys and prepares most every meal we have together) Maybe knowing that my shrink says I need to lose weight made him realize not ALL of it is in my head. I really hope that at least some of my skinny clothes fit soon because most of them are my fall/winter clothes and I can feel that lovely familiar chill this morning. He takes such good care of me, I hate when I need things and can’t afford them myself.

I am reading again. For over two years that has been almost impossible for me. Until this week the only thing I have read and finished was “The Fault in our Stars”. Now I am almost caught up on “The Walking Dead” and will move on to one of the books I started this summer and hopefully finish both as I normally would. I really missed reading. I don’t know why I am suddenly able to again. I am especially confused because I knew one problem was the distraction of the TV but last night I was able to keep reading while dealing with Sinead being obnoxious under my nightstand. I can’t say these positive changes are due to the end of the springtime of my crazy because they have been ongoing far longer than that ever lasts.

I’m not complaining in any way when I say I can’t figure out these things. Yeah, it would be nice to know the cause so I could re-create it if needed but honestly I just want to enjoy anything I can.

I feel a weight on me the last couple of days and I suspect whatever it is, is likely the reason I was awake so early and unable to stay in bed.

I miss my daughter. I am also worried about her. I want her to have a good year, less stress, less sadness, more fun, more stability and as much happiness as possible. She is so good. She hasn’t done anything to deserve any karmic retribution. She doesn’t knowingly make a lot of poor choices things just turn that way on her. It could be worse but it could also be a fuck of a lot better and for her it should be. I hope it will be.

I was going to get back on the Facebook today. It has been nice actually talking to and seeing people more and the lack of negativity in my life the past couple weeks has been heavenly. Still, I am out of the loop. I’m sure I have missed birthdays and who knows what. Maybe I don’t want to get back into all that just yet.

I’ll finish my coffee and think about it.

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I’ve done a decent job of ignoring FB this past week. I have had it open to talk to the old man while he works (fucking AIM won’t cooperate and can therefore kiss my fat ass) and sometimes other people. I’ve kept an eye on my girl when I see she has posted and I have scrolled a bit waiting for a needed reply but all in all, so much less negative going on in my life and I feel sort of free.  Technology has gotten out of hand in the worst way, I’m doing my best to cut the cord or maybe stretch it out a bit. It has been nice to have friends actually call me and text me and vice versa instead of just letting the internet perpetuate its digital void between people.

I want to get back to writing in my journal but my hands are so bad I have to take breaks when filling out a few pages of paperwork. I’m tired of always being damaged, sore or sick in some way and I don’t know what more I can do about it aside from the healthier habits I’m getting really back to and working more activity into my day. I have started using a really great alarm app on my phone that I can tailor very specifically to get me into a routine, which I am sure my body and mind need. I think I have mostly got it set how I need and want it. Yes, I know, technology but my brain is incapable of doing a lot of things like remembering, without some assistance.

It has taken me a week to fully establish a skincare/beauty regimen and though I am already seeing results, I find it sad that my skin still looks so bad. I’m doing my best to avoid chemicals but…baby steps.  Once upon a time I couldn’t afford anything special for my skin because my girl and her needs came first and this was before the Google and all the natural remedies. My skin also wasn’t nearly as bad then being so young and all but I see my age in the yellowish speckled patches at the outer corners of my eyes and I swear my pores are trying to compete with the grand canyon. I still have very dry skin on my once very soft albeit chubby hands. My teeth are finally starting to whiten thanks to a fancy electric toothbrush a friend recommended. I’m also slowly getting all of my cavities taken care of, maybe by the time the holidays arrive I will have all my teeth looking as they should except still a bit crooked but that is fine. This all sounds so vain and superficial and there is vanity in it but also a true desire to take better care of myself. I’m even making myself eat more than just once or twice a day and that is very hard for me usually. I have to eat small portions but hopefully this will get my metabolism working for real.

The springtime of my crazy has ended, well I’m pretty sure it has but the identity crisis I found myself in still lingers as I work to be more honest with myself and the world about how I feel, what I think and how much of that I actually want to share with the world. Maybe that didn’t make sense to whoever is reading this but what can I do.  This caterpillar girl is still working on her cocoon so sometimes I just can’t make sense.

Finding myself has been difficult. I see so many flaws that no one else sees and I see virtues that annoy the fuck out of so many people. I really would like some honest feedback. Not because I want to be what everyone else wants but because I cannot view myself objectively. Between a very low self-esteem and extreme vanity…my brain just can’t see the big picture. Am I as kind and helpful as I try to be? Do I really talk too much in a bad way? Am I tactless? Do I give good advice? Am I a good listener? Do I dress appropriately for my weight and shape? Am I insensitive? I can only guess objective answers to these things. Comment here, I’m not afraid, or email, text whatever, if you have any useful input for me. If you’re reading this you are a friend or family so I value your opinion.

My girl needs me.

 

People are complicated creatures…

I am a thinker and prone to daydreaming, zoning out, and getting wrapped up in a frenzy of thoughts and ideas. Sometimes before I have even climbed out of my bed. Today was one of those days where I realized something about the people in my life and learned something about myself and how I react to this.

I don’t seem to have that one very best friend that I can call at all hours or talk to every single day and all that BFF stuff. Sometimes it bothers me a bit but mostly I’m grateful that what I actually have is about a dozen or so people that fit that criteria.

My brain throws strange things at me sometimes and yesterday it decided to start brewing up a desire to understand why so many people are more easy going and eager to be kind or apologetic or forgiving, while others take offense, make assumptions, judge and make others feel bad just because they can or because if they aren’t happy then no one else should be either.

Those people that want to make me feel bad and bring me down…well I don’t have time for that and I’m just too sensitive to be guilted for being nice just because I’m not also psychic.

I’m not talking about anyone specific. My memory isn’t that good. When it happens again though, I will make a note of it and try not to let it get to me while probably feeling sorry that so many people in the world choose anger and judgement over a million more positive ways to deal.

Last night I talked to a friend that I love dearly and we had tried all day to meet up but it just wasn’t in the cards and we both expressed appreciation when we both apologized for forgotten calls or just having to bail. We also both agreed that this is just how life is and why get upset.

It was refreshing.

My husband is the polar opposite of spontaneity so I try not to drive him crazy with my “let’s just do this” mindset. On the other hand though, I need that side of me, I need it intact for what little sanity I have. In the throws of a years long identity crisis I need any tiny part of myself that I find and recognize as ME.

So I have learned that about the only time I can be reliably counted on at a specific time is if I must be. Appts, promises, obligation. These things or Chris saying this is when we leave, let’s go. I cannot predict every possible variable and yes, I am making efforts to organize and manage my time better but every ignored alarm stresses me out a bit.

So I will keep trying. Tomorrow I will run faster.

If any of this made sense, YAY!!

another day, another gift….something like that

I had a terrible, horrible, awful…well I didn’t have a good day yesterday. That would be more accurate. Paranoia, loneliness, self loathing, pain (physical and emotional) and gratefulness to the point of guilt.

Today I have a kitten. Yes, I know, horribly irresponsible with so many pets already but I’ve been irresponsible my whole life and no one has been injured or killed, wait, I’ve been injured because sometimes I can’t walk while drunk. It’s been 5 years since that happened, except for a couple month ago when I tried talking at someone behind me while walking so I was going to say I learned my lesson but it is kind of a toss up cuz I wasn’t drunk when I most recently fell. Run on sentence anyone?

The point is I have a kitten and it is fucking adorable…and feisty. I was hoping to bond with an older one there but she seemed to have been in a tiny cage too long to come here to a giant dog and such. Oh, Daisy Daisy Adair is just beside herself over this kitten. She whines like crazy because she wants to mother it. Adorable but annoying because Jane Says is all like “wtf?” Simon seemed butt hurt at first but is starting to play with her. Bellatrix…well she hates everyone except the humans and even that is sketchy. Siobhan just freaks out when anything else does.

Was my day better? Yes and no. Let’s just focus on the yes.

The week started out real rocky with the husband. I had theories but then I remembered my meds were adjusted very recently and probably hadn’t leveled out yet. I realized this when suddenly I wasn’t so irritated and sensitive. The rest of the week has been great. We both have things to work on/deal with but I have 20 years practice so I’m hoping that means I can help him more than if all this came up for both of us at the same time. I worried for a long time that I had lost all basic love for him, not just the swooning “in love” love. I worried I was going through the motions in case my fears were wrong. I’m glad we made it here. That “in love” feeling is trying to come back. I know it can’t and never will, it would lose all value. The fact that I feel the love I’ve always had, rather than questioning it….that feels so reassuring. Really knowing that if the whole world got up and left me he would be there to tell me how much they all sucked or something. Really knowing that and not just hearing him say things to express it is such a safe thing to have and something I need.

I have a cute little black kitten. Did I mention that?

I also love my hair. I will love it more when it is longer and healthier and such but yeah, this blonde thing, I’m diggin’ it.

Jane Says

Jane Says

my “about me” became more of a blog post. what? am i new? bah.

don’t you think it true, that the author can only write about herself?

i am me. i used to think i didn’t change. i thought i was consistent. in only the worst ways am i truly consistent.

i am her and she and mother and wife and girl and woman and drama and heart and song and dance.

i am currently, physically, a photo negative of myself.

the high tide of the crazy season is leveling out. early. finally. it could have been worse. it may not be done.  if no one hates me in the end, it is never a win but less lost is always best.

please no casualties this time. especially not my girl.

Have you tried turning off and back on again?

I would like to be “restarted” so to speak.

I’ve spent a few hours doing at least one thing to feel newer, shinier, less cluttered really is what I wanted. We shall see.

I had too much fun at the boat party. Interesting conversations, inside jokes, silly faces, and being bounced from one laughing friend to the next and losing all care while leaving my favorite heels by the exit of the boat because who has time for heels when memories are being made. (they were not accidentally swallowed by the putrid Grand River)

it is raining now though and my soul demands that i go out and feel it on my skin.

I don’t even fucking care anymore what anyone thinks of me. I’ve got better things to do than fuss about fretting if I’m breaking all those eggshells and having my own personality.

heaven for fucking bid.

I do love large parties, they can be so intimate. it is true.