another day, another gift….something like that

by kaleidegirl

I had a terrible, horrible, awful…well I didn’t have a good day yesterday. That would be more accurate. Paranoia, loneliness, self loathing, pain (physical and emotional) and gratefulness to the point of guilt.

Today I have a kitten. Yes, I know, horribly irresponsible with so many pets already but I’ve been irresponsible my whole life and no one has been injured or killed, wait, I’ve been injured because sometimes I can’t walk while drunk. It’s been 5 years since that happened, except for a couple month ago when I tried talking at someone behind me while walking so I was going to say I learned my lesson but it is kind of a toss up cuz I wasn’t drunk when I most recently fell. Run on sentence anyone?

The point is I have a kitten and it is fucking adorable…and feisty. I was hoping to bond with an older one there but she seemed to have been in a tiny cage too long to come here to a giant dog and such. Oh, Daisy Daisy Adair is just beside herself over this kitten. She whines like crazy because she wants to mother it. Adorable but annoying because Jane Says is all like “wtf?” Simon seemed butt hurt at first but is starting to play with her. Bellatrix…well she hates everyone except the humans and even that is sketchy. Siobhan just freaks out when anything else does.

Was my day better? Yes and no. Let’s just focus on the yes.

The week started out real rocky with the husband. I had theories but then I remembered my meds were adjusted very recently and probably hadn’t leveled out yet. I realized this when suddenly I wasn’t so irritated and sensitive. The rest of the week has been great. We both have things to work on/deal with but I have 20 years practice so I’m hoping that means I can help him more than if all this came up for both of us at the same time. I worried for a long time that I had lost all basic love for him, not just the swooning “in love” love. I worried I was going through the motions in case my fears were wrong. I’m glad we made it here. That “in love” feeling is trying to come back. I know it can’t and never will, it would lose all value. The fact that I feel the love I’ve always had, rather than questioning it….that feels so reassuring. Really knowing that if the whole world got up and left me he would be there to tell me how much they all sucked or something. Really knowing that and not just hearing him say things to express it is such a safe thing to have and something I need.

I have a cute little black kitten. Did I mention that?

I also love my hair. I will love it more when it is longer and healthier and such but yeah, this blonde thing, I’m diggin’ it.

Jane Says

Jane Says