Insert clever title here?

by kaleidegirl

I’ve done a decent job of ignoring FB this past week. I have had it open to talk to the old man while he works (fucking AIM won’t cooperate and can therefore kiss my fat ass) and sometimes other people. I’ve kept an eye on my girl when I see she has posted and I have scrolled a bit waiting for a needed reply but all in all, so much less negative going on in my life and I feel sort of free.  Technology has gotten out of hand in the worst way, I’m doing my best to cut the cord or maybe stretch it out a bit. It has been nice to have friends actually call me and text me and vice versa instead of just letting the internet perpetuate its digital void between people.

I want to get back to writing in my journal but my hands are so bad I have to take breaks when filling out a few pages of paperwork. I’m tired of always being damaged, sore or sick in some way and I don’t know what more I can do about it aside from the healthier habits I’m getting really back to and working more activity into my day. I have started using a really great alarm app on my phone that I can tailor very specifically to get me into a routine, which I am sure my body and mind need. I think I have mostly got it set how I need and want it. Yes, I know, technology but my brain is incapable of doing a lot of things like remembering, without some assistance.

It has taken me a week to fully establish a skincare/beauty regimen and though I am already seeing results, I find it sad that my skin still looks so bad. I’m doing my best to avoid chemicals but…baby steps.  Once upon a time I couldn’t afford anything special for my skin because my girl and her needs came first and this was before the Google and all the natural remedies. My skin also wasn’t nearly as bad then being so young and all but I see my age in the yellowish speckled patches at the outer corners of my eyes and I swear my pores are trying to compete with the grand canyon. I still have very dry skin on my once very soft albeit chubby hands. My teeth are finally starting to whiten thanks to a fancy electric toothbrush a friend recommended. I’m also slowly getting all of my cavities taken care of, maybe by the time the holidays arrive I will have all my teeth looking as they should except still a bit crooked but that is fine. This all sounds so vain and superficial and there is vanity in it but also a true desire to take better care of myself. I’m even making myself eat more than just once or twice a day and that is very hard for me usually. I have to eat small portions but hopefully this will get my metabolism working for real.

The springtime of my crazy has ended, well I’m pretty sure it has but the identity crisis I found myself in still lingers as I work to be more honest with myself and the world about how I feel, what I think and how much of that I actually want to share with the world. Maybe that didn’t make sense to whoever is reading this but what can I do.  This caterpillar girl is still working on her cocoon so sometimes I just can’t make sense.

Finding myself has been difficult. I see so many flaws that no one else sees and I see virtues that annoy the fuck out of so many people. I really would like some honest feedback. Not because I want to be what everyone else wants but because I cannot view myself objectively. Between a very low self-esteem and extreme vanity…my brain just can’t see the big picture. Am I as kind and helpful as I try to be? Do I really talk too much in a bad way? Am I tactless? Do I give good advice? Am I a good listener? Do I dress appropriately for my weight and shape? Am I insensitive? I can only guess objective answers to these things. Comment here, I’m not afraid, or email, text whatever, if you have any useful input for me. If you’re reading this you are a friend or family so I value your opinion.

My girl needs me.