“suddenly everything has changed…”

by kaleidegirl

The ability to sleep left early this morning. I think it followed my man right out of the house after he kissed me goodbye. A kiss that felt different somehow though I was too sleepy to fully realize that feeling, whatever it was. Maybe I was just awake enough, as I sometimes am, that I had that familiar “why oh why do you have to leave right this minute?” feeling. Maybe the kiss felt different because I was saying that, with my lips and my heart. It sounds so cheesy but things often do when love is the topic at hand.

Things recently and sort of suddenly became quite wonderful between my husband and I. I’m not sure he even noticed and I have no idea what changed and truthfully I really don’t care. I am just so relieved. Things have felt so unsteady and shaky off and on for a long time, it is nice to feel some solid ground somewhere in my life. I’m still insecure and still struggling with my body dysmorphia and trying very hard to lose this weight the right way, the long term way. Thankfully he is being supportive rather than just saying I look “fine” or I’m “not fat”. By supportive I mean he has not made me feel bad about the changes in my eating habits or the healthier foods I am trying to have on hand while he is gone at work. (He buys and prepares most every meal we have together) Maybe knowing that my shrink says I need to lose weight made him realize not ALL of it is in my head. I really hope that at least some of my skinny clothes fit soon because most of them are my fall/winter clothes and I can feel that lovely familiar chill this morning. He takes such good care of me, I hate when I need things and can’t afford them myself.

I am reading again. For over two years that has been almost impossible for me. Until this week the only thing I have read and finished was “The Fault in our Stars”. Now I am almost caught up on “The Walking Dead” and will move on to one of the books I started this summer and hopefully finish both as I normally would. I really missed reading. I don’t know why I am suddenly able to again. I am especially confused because I knew one problem was the distraction of the TV but last night I was able to keep reading while dealing with Sinead being obnoxious under my nightstand. I can’t say these positive changes are due to the end of the springtime of my crazy because they have been ongoing far longer than that ever lasts.

I’m not complaining in any way when I say I can’t figure out these things. Yeah, it would be nice to know the cause so I could re-create it if needed but honestly I just want to enjoy anything I can.

I feel a weight on me the last couple of days and I suspect whatever it is, is likely the reason I was awake so early and unable to stay in bed.

I miss my daughter. I am also worried about her. I want her to have a good year, less stress, less sadness, more fun, more stability and as much happiness as possible. She is so good. She hasn’t done anything to deserve any karmic retribution. She doesn’t knowingly make a lot of poor choices things just turn that way on her. It could be worse but it could also be a fuck of a lot better and for her it should be. I hope it will be.

I was going to get back on the Facebook today. It has been nice actually talking to and seeing people more and the lack of negativity in my life the past couple weeks has been heavenly. Still, I am out of the loop. I’m sure I have missed birthdays and who knows what. Maybe I don’t want to get back into all that just yet.

I’ll finish my coffee and think about it.

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