“Accidentally on purpose…”

the attention just encourages her..

Month: September, 2014


my FB posts are blog length lately so here i am again.

for those playing along at home….saw my dr yesterday. (he’s fucking AWESOME) i went in with a list because “copays” and i always walk out going “fuck i totally forgot to ask about this really important thing”.

i thought i had an ear infection but he says my ears look great, so if i do it is the kind they can’t see the usual way. my ears got a lot better when i started using a q-tip to get peroxide in them so who the fuck knows.

my chest pain. finally have a real kind of explanation for what it most likely is with several forms of treatment all in one visit. he had me lie on my stomach and checked out my ribs and spine. right away he felt ribs sort of outta place and all of a sudden he pushed real hard and my back sounded like fuckin rice krispies. he did this several times and though it was a bit terrifying it also felt kind of fucking awesome. seems my ribs were all jacked up causing pain all around but also inflammation in the cartilage where my ribs and sternum meet. (which is what costochondritis is) my heart and lungs are fine and clear…who’d have thought.

i got a pain shot from a sadistic yet cheerful nurse named Joy and that plus actual pain meds that work should help any pains i have. it seems my back pain, chest pain and even my hand pain are likely all related but not in any sure way any of it can be permanently fixed. so when i still don’t have a real job years from now, this is probably going to be the bigger cause over my extensive crazy.

i think that’s it on the OMG health front.

some amusing moments during my appt because my dr is awesome and hilarious…

i took my glasses off so i could lie more comfortably on my stomach for the rice krispies action. it takes a full minute or more to convince my dr to stop holding them hostage after i can sit up again. he thought he was just so funny. (he was)

he leaves, telling me Joy will be in to give me a shot. i realize i forgot to put things on my list, did i mention i had to write a list? so i go to the doorway and he is at the like nurses station i guess, the same place he always is when i come in or leave. i  “pssst” at him a couple times and apologetically explain i forgot stuff and ask if he is coming back in before i go, he says yes but walks over saying, “ok what did you forget, lets just take a look now”

he asks what i have for pain management. i say nothing, because well, nothing works. dead serious. i only take motrin type stuff for the anti-inflammatory benefits. (oddly Pamprin often takes care of hangover headaches if they aren’t so bad i want to just cut my head off) if it isn’t a controlled substance it won’t touch my pain and even then i need more than the usual dose. so he says he’s gonna give me vicodin. i’m like great. i take a chance. Me: so um, would it be terrible of me and make me look all “drug seeking” (yes, i did air quotes) if i told you i always have to double up on the low dosage or else it does next to nothing? Dr.: ::laughs:: no not at all! Me: oh yeah, i read somewhere that redheads are resistant to pain meds and such and i’m fairly ginger so maybe that is why nothing really helps. Dr: oh well i will give you the HIGHEST dose!!! ::hahahahahaha::


really?? who goes to the dr and actually laughs so much. never had a good dr before, esp one who was friendly and shit. fuckin weird but i’ll take it. he knows his stuff and i have a lot of stuff because all my past drs must have online degrees they just paid shipping for or some shit.


i am sure i had all kinds of other funny or boring or whatever stuff to blog about but just getting all this out minus the venomous feelings brought on almost 2 hrs ago has been hard enough.

if every minute of your life has to be planned to the minute and every little thing has to be turned into big things to accommodate your need for control instead of just oh i don’t know, saying “no and its just because i don’t want to”….well maybe you should rethink speaking to me until you grow a personality and i can tolerate you without frequently wanting to spontaneously slap you in the face…with a brick. speaking of…this might do the trick as well, you remind me of this quite often…

i cannot believe i spelled it perfectly, not just close enough that youtube figured it out….




his eyes were made of stars…

sometimes a thing really squeezes your heart and runs like a hamster on a wheel through your brain so much it makes you tired and dizzy.

a song, a book, the view on a certain road or through that one window, that one thing someone said, even a movie.

sometimes there is a thing there that has always been part of you. we all have a “thing” or two. mine? the ocean and the whales in it and the stars i miss just as much. new orleans. sometimes roses, so simple in their complex beauty.

i get most of my tattoos as my own personal memento. he says i have all he can stand or something like that. well i suppose that is just too bad because i have at least two that i WILL find a way to get. mostly just words with a little adornment but so much meaning. meaning i want with me to remember even when my brain has withered into dementia.

it only takes a taste to feel the sting of wanting…

“No One Ever Loved”

No one ever loved
No one ever lost as hard as I
No one ever came,
No one ever saw the crystalline
In his eyes starry sky paradise
In his eyes
In his arms, don’t leave me now
Crystalline, don’t fail me now
You’re the diamond and the gutter
You’re the hole inside my heart
You’re the one I will remember every night
Before the dawn meets the light

Heaven must to know
Heaven must to lay out stardust in my eyes
Shine my light, close to hurt in my eyes
See it now, purple shrine was never mine
Angel line you fell right now
You’re the diamond in the gutter
You’re the whole inside my heart
You’re the one I will remember every night
Before the dawn meets the light

And it kills me every time
Every star will fall right down
Yeah, it kills me every time,
Every star will fall right down

You’re the diamond and the gutter,
You’re the whole inside my heart
You’re the one I will remember every night
Before the dawn
You’re the diamond in the gutter
You’re the hole inside my heart
You’re the one I will remember every night
Before the dawn
Every night before the dawn
Every night before the dawn meets the light

 “there is no shortage of fault in our stars”

so i had an entertaining, interesting, full of stuff week

my entertainment this week came in the form of a quite hilarious yet informative conversation with one of my best girls. she lives in Chicago and has been super stoked about RIOTFEST for weeks now. friday morning we chatted on the phone and at one point she explained her itinerary and master plan for this awesome weekend ahead of her.

i will just share some cliff notes, mostly not to bore you and i forgot the deets. first and foremost while detailing the first day, friday, that day, she got to the end and casually said she would not drink and was going to go straight home and sleep to be up early on saturday.

my laughter probably started before she could finish her sentence. and i laughed, and laughed and told her to hold on while laughing some more trying to hold the phone away and not hurt her ears and for the first time ever learned the true meaning of ROFL. i laughed some more. i haven’t laughed like that in so long i don’t even remember. if you know the person i’m talking about, you know why i laughed and laughed and laughed.

ROFL is now an acronym i shall add permanently to my internet vocabulary.

so the rest of my cliff notes cannot beat that so i will sum up. her: “so after gwar i’m gonna go get water and potty, then…” me: “do you realize you just said gwar and potty in the same sentence?” for some this reason this cracked me up only slightly more than when we had the same exchange but substituting pussy riot for gwar a few minutes later. i swear she said potty like 15 times. this hard core skater girl all geeked to see gwar kept saying potty. priceless. i love this girl. really.


so that was friday. the days leading up were full of shenanigans with my sister…oh lol she cracks me up, and goofing off with the baby Miles. also, random yet very amusing convos via phone and fb. it would seem my current medication roller coaster ride made me temporarily hilarious.

then saturday. oh saturday.

what a beautiful day.

another of my best girls had a great event she has been looking forward to. she got married. it was a tad clumsy but i think that made it even more perfect. my husband was the officiant and i played maid of honor and photographer and videographer. i gave the best man the wrong ring, the bride put the ring on the wrong hand, maybe he gave her that hand in all the stumbling, i was too busy trying to take pics and not cry. her super adorable dog joined in, sitting at their feet just looking up at them and the girls were adorable and full of happy and spunk. the groom had champagne for the first time. i gave my first toast ever, i hope it was ok, i know i sounded like a drunk at least a little bit but i swear i wasn’t, not even close. i was not prepared. we ate pizza and laughed and joked and it was just a beautiful perfect, simple, happy day. in the 10+ years i have known the groom, i had never seen him even close to how happy he was that day. seriously. it melted my heart for both of them. my man and i, we love the pomp and presentation but we can still appreciate the simplicity of raw and honest love.

aside from all that….

my wonderful husband ordered me new dread extensions. a couple few years ago he fessed up that he didn’t like the long black ones i had so i gave them away. kind of like when 10 years ago he said he didn’t like my nipple rings so i took them out. two things that still really bug me, the second at least made more sense and the result was beneficial to my happiness. there is still the matter of him not wanting me to get anymore tattoos. this vexes me deeply. i aim to please but i have my limits. also, it isn’t like i have these huge pieces waiting to be inked, i don’t do huge or sleeves and such. my biggest piece is on my back and it is still not that big. i digress (the tattoo thing kind of gets my dander up). dreads, soon. it seems he gets tired of me “whining”. i didn’t realize he saw all of my “whining” but i guess he did and yeah, i’m ok with that. i hope to not be so “whiny” in the future. (apparently mentioning something is considered “whining”) custom ordered to go with both of what i plan to be my main hair colors for the foreseeable future. read that again. “plan”. no promises, no definites. plan.

also, in light of having dread extensions soon i have figured out a Halloween costume more suited to such an abundance of hair. it is so uber traditional but i am still so excited. i also have things figured out for Halloween night and I am very much looking forward to passing out candy. i have NEVER done this. i have always been tricktreating or more recently at home in an apartment bored nearly to tears. i used to tell everyone, especially Mary, that i would be out tricktreating with her until she gave me grandkids to take. i never even considered she would *gasp* not take me or *GASP* not go tricktreating!!! please say it ain’t so!!!


i will likely say that a lot until people stop talking about last night’s show in fucking CHICAGO!!!!! AGAIN!!!!!

in other news, i have fantastic friends.

this is for Carolyn



i suppose until my memory happens, that is it.