the adavantage of being self aware with 50 shades of crazy….?

by kaleidegirl

maybe you care, maybe you don’t, maybe you’re busy waxing political, maybe i’m not even a blip on your radar.

this post is for the ones who care or feel a need to know or are confused by me, my behavior, and my social inconsistency.

i’m fighting a nasty cold but i slept well last night. my mental state is as fragile as ever but the fog is less dense.

i know i have Bipolar Disorder of the Rapid Cycling variety (among many other things, BPD, PTSD, GAD, Social Anxiety, Body Dysmorphia etc.) i did some research on Bipolar and its many faces because i remembered another component that  i suffer from. Ultra Rapid Cycling and Ultradian Cycling (Ultra-Ultra Rapid cycling).

i’m fortunate to have caring, forgiving and loving friends and family and that is who this post is for. I did the research and i’m assembling the cliff notes for you (and myself) here. i’m far from alone in this and maybe this information can help someone else.


the basics:

Manic episode

A distinct period of elevated, enthusiastic or irritable mood lasting at least one week (or less than one week if hospitalization is required), that includes at least three of the following symptoms:

  • Increased physical and mental activity and energy
  • Exaggerated optimism and self-confidence
  • Excessive irritability, aggressive behavior
  • Decreased need for sleep without becoming tired
  • Grandiose thoughts, extreme sense of self-importance
  • Racing speech, racing thoughts, impulsiveness, poor judgment
  • Reckless behavior such as spending sprees, impulsive business decisions, erratic driving and sexual indiscretions
  • In severe cases, delusions and hallucinations

Hypomanic episode

Similar to a manic episode, except that it is less severe and there are no delusions or hallucinations. It is clearly different from an individual’s non-depressed mood with a clear change in activity and attitude, and visible behavior that is unusual or out-of-character.


i bounce between both of these hourly/daily/weekly during the “springtime of my crazy”


Major depressive episode

A period of two weeks or more during which five or more of the following symptoms are present:

  • Prolonged sadness or unexplained crying spells
  • Significant changes in appetite and sleep patterns
  • Irritability, anger, worry, agitation, anxiety
  • Pessimism, indifference
  • Loss of energy, persistent exhaustion
  • Unexplained aches and pains
  • Feelings of guilt, worthlessness and/or hopelessness
  • Inability to concentrate; indecisiveness
  • Inability to take pleasure in former interests; social withdrawal
  • Excessive consumption of alcohol or use of chemical substances
  • Recurring thoughts of death or suicide


the above symptoms like to drizzle on me randomly yet consistently. i often lack feelings of actual depression on any regular basis however. many of the feelings listed above have just become part of my personality, i’m working on this. promise.



Mixed state (also called mixed mania):

A period during which symptoms of a manic and a depressive episode are present at the same time. People who experience mixed states describe feeling activated and “revved up,” but also full of anguish and despair. Rapid, pressured speech can co-exist with impulsive, out-of-control thoughts of suicide and self-destruction or aggression. Hopelessness, irritability, uncontrollable swings between racing thoughts and a feeling of “being in blackness” can all happen over the course of minutes.

^^the horror i live everyday amidst everything else involved with this illness. i have to be careful while compiling this. if i walk away for too long to do something or get an upsetting phone call or hear a triggering song…. BOOM. so i’m doing this quickly.

What is rapid cycling?

Rapid cycling is defined as four or more manic, hypomanic, or depressive episodes in any 12-month period. With rapid cycling, mood swings can quickly go from low to high and back again, and occur over periods of a few days and sometimes even hours. The person feels like he or she is on a roller coaster, with mood and energy changes that are out-of control and disabling. In some individuals, rapid cycling is characterized by severe irritability, anger, impulsivity, and uncontrollable outbursts. While the term “rapid cycling” may make it sound as if the episodes occur in regular cycles, episodes actually often follow a random pattern. Some patients with rapid cycling appear to experience true manic, mild manic, or depressive episodes that last only for a day. If there are four mood episodes within a month, it is called ultra-rapid cycling, and when several mood switches occur within a day, on several days during one week, it is called ultra-ultra-rapid, or ultradian cycling.

What causes rapid cycling?

The basic cause of rapid cycling remains unknown, but three overlapping theories exist:

Kindling (Sensitization):

According to the “kindling” theory, early episodes are triggered by actual or anticipated life events such as the death of a loved one or an upcoming job interview. Over time, the person with the illness becomes increasingly sensitive to more minor “triggers” or stressors, and becomes more likely to have an episode in response to these events. Eventually the person may begin to have episodes without any “triggers.” Episodes become increasingly frequent and the end result of this process, when the illness is not properly treated, may be rapid, ultra-rapid or ultradian cycling.

Biological rhythm disturbances:

This theory proposes that people with rapid cycling have daily biological rhythms that are out of sync with typical “time-giving” events such as dawn and dusk. This theory could account for the sleep disturbances typical of mania and depression and explain other symptoms as well. If biological rhythms are important, a link between rapid cycling and seasonal affective disorder (SAD) may be suggested. It is also possible that abnormal daily biological rhythms do not cause the illness itself but do contribute to the length and seriousness of a manic or depressive episode. For example, if insomnia is treated early and aggressively, mild or moderate symptoms can be prevented from snowballing into a severe and destructive episode.


This theory proposes that rapid cycling is due to inadequate amounts of thyroid hormone in the brain. Most people with rapid cycling do have adequate levels of thyroid hormone in the blood, but they may respond well to treatment with thyroid hormone regardless of their initial blood levels.


all three “theories” above are relevant to my condition. which kind of bothers me.


maybe none of that is new to you. maybe you have a better understanding. maybe you are getting your coat and shoes to go drag someone you know to a psychiatrist immediately. maybe you don’t give a fuck.

i’m trying to find myself again. the person i was before i fully became what i thought the world wanted me to be. even though that person was sure they were horrible, fat, ugly, stupid, useless and wrong in every way.


well my train of thought has been rammed off the tracks by someone else’s issues.