“Accidentally on purpose…”

the attention just encourages her..

Month: December, 2014

new year, same me…only better with any luck

today 2014 closes. i think for the sake of looking back and being able to make sense of a year, i will start using tags for the month or season or whatever.

i know i started out the year getting my knee fixed, looks like i may start the next one that way too.

i celebrated my 37th birthday with my first surprise party full of some of my nearest and dearest. as a child my birthday was frowned upon on top of ignored so a surprise party was about as good as it gets.

my little lady had her last ‘teen’ birthday and turns 20 this June. my husband stumbled into the last year of his 30’s.

we handed out candy on Halloween for the first time and made plans for a mini haunted house in the garage for the next one.

our xmas rocked my socks. like wow. great times with family, kids being super adorable, ugly sweaters and a reindeer people family being uber cute, yummy food, some decent wine and one of my sisters rockin’ her style like a diva. it was great. oh, we all got each other great gifts from the heart and for the practical and by practical i don’t just mean all my photography stuff. new watch, corset, dishes, shoes and a bamboo tree. like wtf? does it get much better? that was just what us gals got. i finally gave Chris the kind of day he deserves with gifts he really wanted. we pranked Mary pretty good too.

the husband and i are in therapy to deal with his new diagnosis and are on the road to improving the quality of our marriage. i’m quite hopeful.

i usually avoid resolutions this time of year but i’m making some this year.

~waist training or crunches every day. even just a little.

~walk the dogs more. they need it and i want to do things with my husband that don’t involve a TV.

~read more, like i used to.

~write at least 500 words a day or 2-3 pages in my journal

~stop trying so hard to help people who haven’t asked. it must be so annoying so i won’t do it to people anymore

~don’t settle anymore. wait for what i really like/want rather than “omg must have now!!!”

~don’t give out unsolicited advice

~do what i want


that should be plenty. or too much. who cares.

happy fuckin’ new year!


adventures in big pharma and living in crazy town…

i’ve started a new med. maybe that’s already old news. anyway, i’ve been trying to pay close attention to my moods, behavior and my thoughts.

the first thing i realized was that once this new med had a chance to build up in my system and i got started on the full dose, finding myself became much easier. yeah, my husband may be a bit baffled at times but maybe he remembers that these weird things i say and do are things i said and did when we first started dating. of course i have changed and evolved and even matured a bit but for the most part i feel like i’ve always been the same person inside, just hiding unless i was with the right company and my husband wasn’t around. (i always tamed my harmless impulses for fear of him being embarrassed or making me feel bad about who i am) i’m learning to handle being me with him. slowly. for example, i can’t not dance when i hear Talking Heads. it is just always dancy and makes me want to dance. we were in the car and Talking Heads came on, no idea what song but i started dancing in my seat like i do when i’m alone in my car. i told him, as i danced in my seat that i always want to dance like i’m in the big suit when i hear certain songs and i started doing my big suit dance with my shoulders and he seemed amused. in a good way.

i am also feeling better about myself, physically. i don’t feel guilty when i eat. i stop eating when i’m full but feel free to eat whenever i am hungry. i still try to eat healthy and when i eat junk i try to balance it with not quite junk or healthy things. i’m learning that comparing myself to certain people has actually helped me develop more self esteem even though that kind of thinking isn’t healthy in general. i’m trying to curb it to its end but it helped me see that i do have qualities to be proud of that sometimes outweigh the things i envy in others. if i never compared myself i know i would never have seen these positives in myself. i still think you are all beautiful, smart, talented, adorable and fun but now i also see those things in myself sometimes.

yes, only sometimes but its early, give me time. i am.

see, when the meds are working and i’m in a good place i wanna share it, i wanna have fun and i want those around me to be having fun too and be happy and feel free to be silly with me. i haven’t been in a good place for real until the last few years after being properly diagnosed. once that and the right meds happened i gradually became happy and eventually i became aware of this and started really trying to enjoy all the good in my life. these days i’m downright optimistic. of course it was only recently that i started looking for the real me and allowing that person to come out of hiding, whoever she is.

i still have bad days, hours, minutes etc. but i know there is a light that never goes out and i just have to keep running towards it. my own green light and every tomorrow i will run faster. i will laugh without shame and dress like the teenager living in my brain wants me to and maybe someday i won’t be afraid to sing along while riding in the car with other people.

i’m on a RAMPAGE!!!

buy the ticket, take the ride…i don’t like this particular ride…

it has been a long time since i’ve been on the medication roller coaster.

not sleeping well, like worse than just not sleeping. headaches. anxiety. chest pain. nausea. no appetite or all of the appetite. stuff and things that generally suck a lot.

these are things that are happening because the old med is gone but the new one hasn’t had a chance to actually do its thing.

this isn’t a good time to be doing this but it is the best time financially. also, if this new med works well it should be doing its thing in time for me to not ruin the holidays for anyone.

in a few hours or so i leave to meet Kayla and we are headed to Chicago. it isn’t so much a social visit as it is a trip to help one of our best girls. of course it will be a blast. as i’ve said before, it is unpossible to hang out with Sarah and not have fun.

i’m uploading the last of the music i felt like digging up. should be plenty to keep us singing like silly girls on the trip.

time to see about my xmas shopping and then fix my face. the last two days it feels like its soaked in cooking oil or something. its gross. nothing has worked yet. i know i have kinda oily skin but this is horrible.

on with my week.