adventures in big pharma and living in crazy town…

by kaleidegirl

i’ve started a new med. maybe that’s already old news. anyway, i’ve been trying to pay close attention to my moods, behavior and my thoughts.

the first thing i realized was that once this new med had a chance to build up in my system and i got started on the full dose, finding myself became much easier. yeah, my husband may be a bit baffled at times but maybe he remembers that these weird things i say and do are things i said and did when we first started dating. of course i have changed and evolved and even matured a bit but for the most part i feel like i’ve always been the same person inside, just hiding unless i was with the right company and my husband wasn’t around. (i always tamed my harmless impulses for fear of him being embarrassed or making me feel bad about who i am) i’m learning to handle being me with him. slowly. for example, i can’t not dance when i hear Talking Heads. it is just always dancy and makes me want to dance. we were in the car and Talking Heads came on, no idea what song but i started dancing in my seat like i do when i’m alone in my car. i told him, as i danced in my seat that i always want to dance like i’m in the big suit when i hear certain songs and i started doing my big suit dance with my shoulders and he seemed amused. in a good way.

i am also feeling better about myself, physically. i don’t feel guilty when i eat. i stop eating when i’m full but feel free to eat whenever i am hungry. i still try to eat healthy and when i eat junk i try to balance it with not quite junk or healthy things. i’m learning that comparing myself to certain people has actually helped me develop more self esteem even though that kind of thinking isn’t healthy in general. i’m trying to curb it to its end but it helped me see that i do have qualities to be proud of that sometimes outweigh the things i envy in others. if i never compared myself i know i would never have seen these positives in myself. i still think you are all beautiful, smart, talented, adorable and fun but now i also see those things in myself sometimes.

yes, only sometimes but its early, give me time. i am.

see, when the meds are working and i’m in a good place i wanna share it, i wanna have fun and i want those around me to be having fun too and be happy and feel free to be silly with me. i haven’t been in a good place for real until the last few years after being properly diagnosed. once that and the right meds happened i gradually became happy and eventually i became aware of this and started really trying to enjoy all the good in my life. these days i’m downright optimistic. of course it was only recently that i started looking for the real me and allowing that person to come out of hiding, whoever she is.

i still have bad days, hours, minutes etc. but i know there is a light that never goes out and i just have to keep running towards it. my own green light and every tomorrow i will run faster. i will laugh without shame and dress like the teenager living in my brain wants me to and maybe someday i won’t be afraid to sing along while riding in the car with other people.

i’m on a RAMPAGE!!!