the other day at a nice sushi place for lunch with my husband i had a horrible moment. i got a peek at my lap as i was putting my napkin back across it. my thighs are so huge i actually voiced my observation out loud. my husband said nothing of course, i don’t know if he even rolled his eyes as he often does. to me it was horrifying. i know i’m overweight, i step on the scale regularly to reassure myself when i’m trying to be good about my eating and working out. when i’m not even trying, i stay the fuck away from that thing. despite knowing i am overweight, i don’t feel like a “fat person”. so when i look down and see these huge thighs on my body, i kind of freak out. it is like a drastic change in hair color. you’ve been there. you just went from brown to red or to blonde or black etc and you walk past a mirror and don’t recognize yourself for a moment. it shocks you for a second, then you remember, “oh yeah, i just colored my hair” hahahaha. well when you forget that you weigh almost 200 pounds (with a frame only meant to carry about 150, tops) it shocks you in a bad way for much longer than just a second or two.
so when i saw this inspirational sign that read “objects in mirror are skinnier than they appear”, i knew it was always going to be a lie. i do often look in the mirror and see that i do carry my extra weight quite well. a lot of women don’t. a lot of women also don’t know how to dress their “weight” which emphasizes the fact that they don’t carry those extra pounds very well. i feel for some of them. i sympathize. i know sometimes i accidentally go out in my skinny clothes and my sagging waist line on my pants in contrast to the super tightness of them on my thighs can’t be attractive. i make mental notes to put those items away for another weight.
i have reached the point where i must do something for the sake of my own sanity, other wise i fear the springtimeofmycrazy will be too much and will tip me over my personal “weight limit”. it has been over 6 years since the first time my scale read over 200 and i refuse to ever let that happen again and i’ve been dangerously close for something less than a year now. so i’m doing lots of things and trying to be better about the helpful habits i’ve incorporated into my life more permanently (drinking tons of water, using a smaller plate, cutting out sugar). I bought ankle/wrist weights and have gotten back on “myfitness” to log my food and monitor my calorie, nutrient etc intakes. i’m doing my yoga stretching in the morning, crunches or corset training almost every day (still working on being consistent with that one), purposely making extra trips up and down the stairs and parking further away when the cold isn’t too much for me. i’m being careful not to overdo it until i’ve gotten more strength back after my knee problem and being told my pain is basically in my head has given me back the freedom to stop babying my body and being afraid to hurt myself. basically, i’m going to have pain no matter what i do and losing weight will only help.
i’m doing other things to help my appearance as well. my skin is a wreck so i got a facial steamer and a paraffin wax bath. i have epsom salt and a tub to soak my feet and at xmas i got some nice bath water packets that i’m told are quite nice and i also got some make up cleansing cloths. i take prenatal vitamins for my hair, skin and nails. they are much cheaper than the special vitamins for those things. i also have extra vitamins formulated for women to help boost metabolism and such. they seem to help on the days i remember to take them. i started drinking my coffee black with coconut oil quite awhile back but was bad over the holidays and indulged in cream and sugar and i do still like my snobby coffee when i can get it. i’m trying to be good at home again so i feel less guilty when i get the snobby coffee or have cream and sugar when i have coffee at a restaurant. i just don’t like it black without the coconut oil. oh, i’m even trying to wear lip balm a lot more because i love how soft my lips are when they get coated in the coconut oil from my coffee.
so yeah, seems like a lot but that’s because it is, because i am vain. yes, the fat girl is really vain. “hold on, let me take a selfie”. (i really did take a selfie and i’ll even post at the end of this) while i don’t mind getting older, in fact i find it a privilege that many are denied, i refuse to look my age for as long as possible. much like growing up and how i refuse to do that. aging is mandatory but growing up and letting yourself go, these things can be avoided. i even got a fancy toothbrush that has whitened my teeth A LOT despite my coffee and wine drinking habits. my dentist will be impressed when i go back this week to finish fixing my teeth. not a lot of big fixes left except for crowns i guess. after that i just need to little cavities drilled and such.within a couple months my teeth with be the healthiest they have been since high school. most of the cavities i have now stopped getting worse when my husband started getting us the better quality toothpaste. that stuff that helps strengthen still existing enamel, it fucking works. no lie. that toothpaste has made it so that my bad teeth can be saved and not removed due being beyond repair. i need my teeth because i like my steak.
a whole post about my appearance and all the vain things i’m doing so i can be even more vain. i have no shame. i like to be pretty and i like looking at myself when i feel pretty and yes, i do care what people think when they look at me. fucking sue me. this is who i am. just accepting that alone is huge thing for me so i won’t fight it.
and because for some reason i like selfies of me drinking things….