“Accidentally on purpose…”

the attention just encourages her..

Month: January, 2015

‘objects in mirror are just as fat as they appear’

the other day at a nice sushi place for lunch with my husband i had a horrible moment. i got a peek at my lap as i was putting my napkin back across it. my thighs are so huge i actually voiced my observation out loud. my husband said nothing of course, i don’t know if he even rolled his eyes as he often does. to me it was horrifying. i know i’m overweight, i step on the scale regularly to reassure myself when i’m trying to be good about my eating and working out. when i’m not even trying, i stay the fuck away from that thing. despite knowing i am overweight, i don’t feel like a “fat person”. so when i look down and see these huge thighs on my body, i kind of freak out. it is like a drastic change in hair color. you’ve been there. you just went from brown to red or to blonde or black etc and you walk past a mirror and don’t recognize yourself for a moment. it shocks you for a second, then you remember, “oh yeah, i just colored my hair” hahahaha. well when you forget that you weigh almost 200 pounds (with a frame only meant to carry about 150, tops) it shocks you in a bad way for much longer than just a second or two.

so when i saw this inspirational sign that read “objects in mirror are skinnier than they appear”, i knew it was always going to be a lie. i do often look in the mirror and see that i do carry my extra weight quite well. a lot of women don’t. a lot of women also don’t know how to dress their “weight” which emphasizes the fact that they don’t carry those extra pounds very well. i feel for some of them. i sympathize. i know sometimes i accidentally go out in my skinny clothes and my sagging waist line on my pants in contrast to the super tightness of them on my thighs can’t be attractive. i make mental notes to put those items away for another weight.

i have reached the point where i must do something for the sake of my own sanity, other wise i fear the springtimeofmycrazy will be too much and will tip me over my personal “weight limit”. it has been over 6 years since the first time my scale read over 200 and i refuse to ever let that happen again and i’ve been dangerously close for something less than a year now. so i’m doing lots of things and trying to be better about the helpful habits i’ve incorporated into my life more permanently (drinking tons of water, using a smaller plate, cutting out sugar). I bought ankle/wrist weights and have gotten back on “myfitness” to log my food and monitor my calorie, nutrient etc intakes. i’m doing my yoga stretching in the morning, crunches or corset training almost every day (still working on being consistent with that one), purposely making extra trips up and down the stairs and parking further away when the cold isn’t too much for me. i’m being careful not to overdo it until i’ve gotten more strength back after my knee problem and being told my pain is basically in my head has given me back the freedom to stop babying my body and being afraid to hurt myself. basically, i’m going to have pain no matter what i do and losing weight will only help.

i’m doing other things to help my appearance as well. my skin is a wreck so i got a facial steamer and a paraffin wax bath. i have epsom salt and a tub to soak my feet and at xmas i got some nice bath water packets that i’m told are quite nice and i also got some make up cleansing cloths. i take prenatal vitamins for my hair, skin and nails. they are much cheaper than the special vitamins for those things. i also have extra vitamins formulated for women to help boost metabolism and such. they seem to help on the days i remember to take them. i started drinking my coffee black with coconut oil quite awhile back but was bad over the holidays and indulged in cream and sugar and i do still like my snobby coffee when i can get it. i’m trying to be good at home again so i feel less guilty when i get the snobby coffee or have cream and sugar when i have coffee at a restaurant. i just don’t like it black without the coconut oil. oh, i’m even trying to wear lip balm a lot more because i love how soft my lips are when they get coated in the coconut oil from my coffee.

so yeah, seems like a lot but that’s because it is, because i am vain. yes, the fat girl is really vain. “hold on, let me take a selfie”. (i really did take a selfie and i’ll even post at the end of this) while i don’t mind getting older, in fact i find it a privilege that many are denied, i refuse to look my age for as long as possible. much like growing up and how i refuse to do that. aging is mandatory but growing up and letting yourself go, these things can be avoided. i even got a fancy toothbrush that has whitened my teeth A LOT despite my coffee and wine drinking habits. my dentist will be impressed when i go back this week to finish fixing my teeth. not a lot of big fixes left except for crowns i guess. after that i just need to little cavities drilled and such.within a couple months my teeth with be the healthiest they have been since high school. most of the cavities i have now stopped getting worse when my husband started getting us the better quality toothpaste. that stuff that helps strengthen still existing enamel, it fucking works. no lie. that toothpaste has made it so that my bad teeth can be saved and not removed due being beyond repair. i need my teeth because i like my steak.

so yeah.

a whole post about my appearance and all the vain things i’m doing so i can be even more vain. i have no shame. i like to be pretty and i like looking at myself when i feel pretty and yes, i do care what people think when they look at me. fucking sue me. this is who i am. just accepting that alone is huge thing for me so i won’t fight it.

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and because for some reason i like selfies of me drinking things….

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doctors suck, i miss my clothes and i wish my new dreads were here already…

that really sums it up but i can’t stop there, clearly.

i’m done with doctors. the only specialist i will see is my orthopedist if i need to and i don’t have to have a yearly violation anymore according to my OB/GYN, things changed so now unless something comes up or they need to keep an eye on something you only have to go every 3-5 years. so that leaves my family dr, my dentist (who I will be mostly done with aside from exams within a couple months) and our therapist and shrink who are both effing awesome. my goal is to have zero medical bills this year except for the dentist but i stay on top of that cuz our insurance makes it so much more affordable than ever in my life. just copays for NEEDED visits and meds.

fine, i have fibromyalgia. maybe my hand and wrist pain IN BOTH HANDS is just ‘writer’s cramp’, sure. whatever. fuck it. i’ll have to go easy on my photography and will never be able to work a regular job most likely (that wasn’t likely to actually happen anyway even before my physical health caught up to my mental health or lack there of) but i will do my best to make a living and TRY to volunteer somewhere to assuage my misplaced guilt of being on disability. that will be tough with my anxiety.

a had a nice early coffee date with a good friend and we discussed being cute when we were younger or something and mutually agreed we are still cute, just a new and different kind of cute. like cute evolved if you will. i miss my clothes though and need to work my way back to a thinner version of this new cute. i also give up on my blonde obsession. it is far more upkeep than my lazy impatient ass can keep up with. i also miss my black hair. my dreads should be getting shipped out to me sometime next week and i think take about a week to get here from Oh Canada! so i will probably have the red accents put in with the first installation. you know, February is a red month with the stupid holiday and all. sweetest day can fuck off, but i do kind of like Valentine’s Day and i think Chris likes a reason to buy me a sappy card cuz damn he picks the best cards, don’t just take my word for it, ask Mary. i think she kinda wants to hit him right back in the feels whenever he gets her a card.

anyway, other things.

i’ve had this list of wants in my head for years now and they are slowly being crossed off and it is pretty glorious. i got my studio set up, my replacement Mary Janes, a simple paint set to see if i can paint, a new camera, my dreads; like all the dreads, a flower print dress (i hope this is the one that makes me stop the wanting), my high heel shoe tape dispenser (i’m serious, this thing is pretty awesome), i found a black vest that just barely fits the way i wanted and will soon fit when i lose weight (I WILL LOSE WEIGHT), a great car, the most perfect engagement ring….things like that. the big one that i’ve wanted for all of forever, a digital piano on a stand with a bench. i still have my book from piano class and the tori amos song i learned is still in there. also, after last night, the possibility of a serious bed, like one of those sleep number things, yeah, never thought that would happen but it is looking like it might and damn, i hope it helps me sleep better and is bigger because i need room for all the things i like to cuddle and still be able to snuggle up to my angel without having to toss stuff to the floor.

i’m sure i sound very materialistic and shallow. that’s fine if you want to think that. i know that my things are less important than the happiness, health and well being of my loved ones and friends. not dwelling on my past but it is a fact that when you grow up with nothing, you are likely to enjoy having things an will start wanting but never expecting, so when i get things i appreciate them with all of my being and even more so the person thoughtful enough to make a thing happen for me. this includes buying me a coffee when i’ve misspent my allowance or helping me with my hair or sewing up clothes i can’t part with and letting out a favorite dress that only fit once or helping me put in new jewelery or going to breakfast with me til the roads are safer to drive on.

i’m really doing my best to keep finding the person i let drift away years ago in a misguided road of trying to be something i wasn’t. i didn’t become another person, i just became a shell of who i was. now i’m finding myself and accepting the things that changed, good or bad. luckily my husband seems to still fancy the girl i was when he first stumbled upon me. i hope.

i believe that as long as you spend every day trying to be better and kinder than guilt and regret should have no place in your life, your mind, your heart or your soul. we will trip up but every day is a new chance to try again.

see how awesome this thing is?

see how awesome this thing is?

“i drove all night…”

i might not publish this blog, it depends on how the day turns out.

maybe some of you know that i’ve been trying to get into a better car than the hobbit hearse (PT Cruiser) that i have been driving, you might even know so much that you are sick of hearing about another possible “lead”.

for the record, i love my hobbit hearse. i also hate it.

i was grossly overcharged, gas mileage is shit and i’ve been feeling very unsafe on the roads this year. i did a lot of research before i went to drive it because i knew next to no one had anything good to say about them. all my research said this adorable car was a good fit for me. that just ended up being a “omg i need a fucking car i’m going stir crazy, this one is super cute and the internet said good things about it” situation.

today though, i may be rid of that dead weight car and driving a shiny nearly new (2010) Ford Focus. due to so many dealers wasting time, mine and theirs, i haven’t gone in and seen the actual car yet. i have obviously looked it up online, done even more extensive research, looked at how many records it had on carfax (that is the only info you usually get unless you pay), made mental notes of what i want it to have and keep reminding myself not to settle if i go see this car and it isn’t absolutely what i want to drive for the next 4-6 years. its silver with black interior and might even have a usb port for playing my music from a flash drive. (it was hard to be sure which pictures were def the car i’m looking into) so it has that going for it and i will be test driving it on not ideal roads which seems to me the best way to know if i will feel safe driving it in the winter.

i’m already approved for financing. payments are slightly higher due to the negative equity but the price of the car is lower than some of other places but mostly the average price for it these days so i feel it must be close to what it is worth paying. basically i’m waiting for it to be finished getting detailed (they JUST got it in) and then i need to drive it and if i LOVE it i just sign the papers and i’m off. if i don’t love it and they don’t have anything else that fits the bill that i love then i will continue to drive my hobbit hearse until i can get to a place where i can roll the neg equity into a new car lease. when you only drive about 6,000 miles a year, leasing seems a good deal.

i’ve never had a car less than 5 years old, i’m not sure i’ve ever had one less than 10 years old until the cruiser. the husband has but i haven’t. this is exciting.

that is why i’m awake at apocalypse AM. i’m in an upswing and that means sleep is hard to get when i’m excited about something.

i really didn’t expect this to work out and i really hope this car is as great as i want it to be. i also hope there are no hidden bumps in the road to getting it.

so i was going to save this and post it if all went well but fuck it.

wish me luck eh?

once more…with feeling

seven years ago i set out to be a professional photographer. part of me was hoping to be done with retail/customer service/waiting tables etc. and have an actual career. a bigger part of me that i didn’t know how to acknowledge was dreaming, in a good way. i did a few weddings and my simple work was liked and appreciated. i’ve done other things since then but my ability to do any kind of work is so limited. i’m basically just as physically disabled as i am mentally and emotionally. my knee is killing me from a pretty short but sweet photo shoot yesterday. i rested all day afterward. (all this resting is making me batty)

thanks to my husband and his support, especially financially, i am able to fully realize a dream i’ve had since i was a child but always assumed was ridiculous. i never really believed i could do anything good or useful or have a real life and career. i was raised to fail.

that little girl has had a pep talk, she’s more optimistic now.

i don’t need to make gobs of money and have photos published or anything like that. i just want to take good photos and capture important memories. if the above things happen, well that’s fucking awesome. what i really want is to never hear someone say they had to skip photos at their wedding, or they just had a family member snap a few cuz they couldn’t afford it. i don’t want to hear anyone else say they couldn’t afford school photos for their kids. you get where i’m going here i hope.

my close friends call me the documenter of life. i take pride in that. i really do try to get all the good shots at family events. i admit i got a bit grumpy about missing all the fun and left my camera at home a couple times but i’m trying to find a happy medium. i want to be part of the life i am documenting.

so i’m trying again to have a “business” in the business of following a dream i never allowed myself to really have and help people along the way.

i’m getting help already. people standing in so i can test my in home studio set up, one family i absolutely adore taking the time to come over for a maternity shoot so i could get more practice in,one great friend got me a truly wonderful and beyond helpful tool for all this as an xmas gift; my Lightroom software, my husband is showing his full support by buying what he can to help me have better equipment, another friend is going to build my website and all of my photographer friends are freely helping me with advice when i need it.

so thank you to all of you supporting me.

if you want to do more, book a shoot with me, it will probably be free unless you want to tip me. for the next year any money i do happen to get paid or am given for my services in any way will go towards better equipment and props and such, hopefully new camera so my current beast can back it up.

in other news, lets hope i can avoid ANY surgeries this year!!

HA!

i gave myself the first day of the year to get my bad habits and eating out of my system, mostly due to my knee pain keeping me a bit more sedentary than usual.

now it is the third day of the year.

yesterday i had a decent healthy dinner then some monster cookies, then a pint of banana split ben a jerry’s. the whole pint. haven’t done any crunches or put on my corset once yet. haven’t read or written anything until this blog. about to have a cup of coffee with sweet cream creamer and a cinnamon roll or two.

i fail at this year so far. plan to step up my game STAT. ‘tomorrow i will run faster’

i’ve been looking into something but i’m afraid to bring it up to my husband. simply because i hate hearing him be angry or annoyed with me, which is a 50/50 thing. he seems to get easily annoyed or angry with me when i have what he thinks are “bad ideas”. don’t i have a resolution related to this??

fuck it. i can’t do this thing on my own for sure and it has become clear it needs to happen. it keeps coming up.

oh yeah, do what i want. this also applies to not settling.

better get to it and get it over with.