doctors suck, i miss my clothes and i wish my new dreads were here already…
that really sums it up but i can’t stop there, clearly.
i’m done with doctors. the only specialist i will see is my orthopedist if i need to and i don’t have to have a yearly violation anymore according to my OB/GYN, things changed so now unless something comes up or they need to keep an eye on something you only have to go every 3-5 years. so that leaves my family dr, my dentist (who I will be mostly done with aside from exams within a couple months) and our therapist and shrink who are both effing awesome. my goal is to have zero medical bills this year except for the dentist but i stay on top of that cuz our insurance makes it so much more affordable than ever in my life. just copays for NEEDED visits and meds.
fine, i have fibromyalgia. maybe my hand and wrist pain IN BOTH HANDS is just ‘writer’s cramp’, sure. whatever. fuck it. i’ll have to go easy on my photography and will never be able to work a regular job most likely (that wasn’t likely to actually happen anyway even before my physical health caught up to my mental health or lack there of) but i will do my best to make a living and TRY to volunteer somewhere to assuage my misplaced guilt of being on disability. that will be tough with my anxiety.
a had a nice early coffee date with a good friend and we discussed being cute when we were younger or something and mutually agreed we are still cute, just a new and different kind of cute. like cute evolved if you will. i miss my clothes though and need to work my way back to a thinner version of this new cute. i also give up on my blonde obsession. it is far more upkeep than my lazy impatient ass can keep up with. i also miss my black hair. my dreads should be getting shipped out to me sometime next week and i think take about a week to get here from Oh Canada! so i will probably have the red accents put in with the first installation. you know, February is a red month with the stupid holiday and all. sweetest day can fuck off, but i do kind of like Valentine’s Day and i think Chris likes a reason to buy me a sappy card cuz damn he picks the best cards, don’t just take my word for it, ask Mary. i think she kinda wants to hit him right back in the feels whenever he gets her a card.
anyway, other things.
i’ve had this list of wants in my head for years now and they are slowly being crossed off and it is pretty glorious. i got my studio set up, my replacement Mary Janes, a simple paint set to see if i can paint, a new camera, my dreads; like all the dreads, a flower print dress (i hope this is the one that makes me stop the wanting), my high heel shoe tape dispenser (i’m serious, this thing is pretty awesome), i found a black vest that just barely fits the way i wanted and will soon fit when i lose weight (I WILL LOSE WEIGHT), a great car, the most perfect engagement ring….things like that. the big one that i’ve wanted for all of forever, a digital piano on a stand with a bench. i still have my book from piano class and the tori amos song i learned is still in there. also, after last night, the possibility of a serious bed, like one of those sleep number things, yeah, never thought that would happen but it is looking like it might and damn, i hope it helps me sleep better and is bigger because i need room for all the things i like to cuddle and still be able to snuggle up to my angel without having to toss stuff to the floor.
i’m sure i sound very materialistic and shallow. that’s fine if you want to think that. i know that my things are less important than the happiness, health and well being of my loved ones and friends. not dwelling on my past but it is a fact that when you grow up with nothing, you are likely to enjoy having things an will start wanting but never expecting, so when i get things i appreciate them with all of my being and even more so the person thoughtful enough to make a thing happen for me. this includes buying me a coffee when i’ve misspent my allowance or helping me with my hair or sewing up clothes i can’t part with and letting out a favorite dress that only fit once or helping me put in new jewelery or going to breakfast with me til the roads are safer to drive on.
i’m really doing my best to keep finding the person i let drift away years ago in a misguided road of trying to be something i wasn’t. i didn’t become another person, i just became a shell of who i was. now i’m finding myself and accepting the things that changed, good or bad. luckily my husband seems to still fancy the girl i was when he first stumbled upon me. i hope.
i believe that as long as you spend every day trying to be better and kinder than guilt and regret should have no place in your life, your mind, your heart or your soul. we will trip up but every day is a new chance to try again.