“Accidentally on purpose…”

the attention just encourages her..

Month: February, 2015

climbing out of my sick nest

i’ve been sick all week with pneumonia. i thought i just had a bad cough but then all i did was sleep and feel sicker. the husband sent me off to the doctor ’cause i’m not one to get this sick ever really. i often don’t even catch all the sick he brings home from work. i was somewhat productive yesterday. i really had to get my clean clothes out of the dryer and such.

i am having my first cup of coffee today after drinking thera flu tea all week instead. i actually woke up kind of able to breathe. oh i got a nice painful shot of super antibiotic, oral antibiotic and cough syrup with codeine to kick this thing. still sneezing and coughing but i intend to be more human today. according to the dr’s office scale i was still losing weight as of Tuesday but i actually ate food like a normal person yesterday and didn’t work out. i’ll be happy as long as i’m not back to square one. yes i know i should be more concerned with getting better and i am. it is just nice to know that all my hard work the past month hasn’t been for nothing. i was on the road to a full scale lifestyle change that was creating results and not hard to stick to. of course i am just now climbing out of a nest on the couch from being so super sick.

one thing after another. i spent last week down with a bum knee which still feels tender where it was most painful. then i limped sluggishly at times through a fun girls weekend only to fall prey to fucking sick sick sick. i know i haven’t been as grumpy as some get when sick but i hope i haven’t been too whiny either. though i’d rather be a little annoying than bringing people down or hurting their feelings just ’cause i feel like crap.

i felt really bad not being able to help friends out, take my girl driving or even being up for talking on the phone at times. i’m lucky though to have such stellar people in my life. i think they probably forgive me.

my big concern for the week was not having to cancel my appt for ink on Saturday. it looks like if i take it easy i won’t have to. i plan to ease back into my routine as the sick takes its leave. i’m way behind around the house but i will take my time and only do what i can. i’ve been due for new ink for months and months, since a month after my last bit basically. i could easily get a tattoo every 2 months if money allowed and with the stuff i get it would still take a long time to look like i was getting that much done.

so i’m getting better but pneumonia is no joke so i am also still taking it easy.

i am also getting pretty excited about my birthday. 80’s themed, karaoke machine and fancy disco ball type light purchased and i even have my full Madonna get up figured out. well mostly.

so crawling out of my sick nest. hope to be up and raising hell for real soon.

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i’m quite sure i’m in the wrong song

ah, its that time of year again. the springtimeofmycrazy has officially made itself known. will there be summertimesadness too? let’s hope not. i’m hoping for sum summertime spent in a bikini without wanting to run and hide my “fucking hell muffins overflowing!” and my thunder thighs. my photo-sensitivity might be the first thing to send me running anyway.

i tried writing today.

i tried painting today.

i tried playing my violin today.

i even tried ordering a keyboard because i know i can not totally fail at that. i failed at even ordering one or letting my husband do so.

i’m in a tailspin of mania and guilt and overwhelming vanity among many other things depending on when you ask.

i’ve become obsessed with the dry skin on my hands. i put lotion on at least 80 million times a day to no avail. i have a nice long list of things that have done next to nothing. Lotion, every kind I can get my hands on, literally. Prescription ointment, vaseline, the previous two together, (many of these things have been put on at night with gloves on to keep it on all night) Psoriasin kinda worked for a minute, paraffin wax will keep it at bay if i can get it under control, cocoa butter, bag balm, olive oil, coconut oil,A&D ointment, coating my hands in neosporin or A&D and wrapping them in gauze is the only thing that really does something but it is really hard to do by myself and i’m out of gauze and neosporin is very low, maybe one use left. i think if i could do that every night for a week or more it might go away but then i would have to be super diligent in keeping it away. i assume.

this is no ordinary dry skin issue. i’ve seen doctors and they don’t even know what it is. it cracks, flakes, and burns when certain things touch it. i have never, i repeat NEVER had dry skin problems beyond the usual dry feet in winter that goes away immediately with lotion of any kind. this issue started at least TWO YEARS AGO!!!! it is getting to where i don’t want to touch my husband because my hands feel so scratchy and dry and FUCKING GROSS NO MATTER WHAT I DO!!!! for fucks sake i bought a $40 wax bath and had to use it more than twice a day to even see any results, but it was STILL THERE.

see? i’m obsessed.

i’m also mildly obsessed with losing weight but that isn’t a mental health concern because it just means i miss less workouts and eat better with only one cheat day on the weekend. i measure just as often as i step on the scale now, so i’m not obsessing so much over how heavy i am just making sure i keep making progress.

i. am. so. fucking. vain.

seriously.

i haven’t been taking selfies of my new hair because i look like hell every time i try. i have this damn pimple that refuses to vacate the premises.

at least i’m reading again.

i sleep a little better these days too which is good because insomnia during the springtimeofmycrazy is a very dangerous thing.

oh and my daughter is likely getting her driver’s license this week and a car…which i finally came to terms with except that she is “100% certain” (her words) that she will die in a car accident.

fuck me gently with a chainsaw.

“and i told you to be patient

and i told you to be fine

and i told you to be balanced

and i told you to be kind”

in the morning i will be with you but it will be a different kind”

’cause you’ll be holding all the tickets and i’ll be holding all the fines…

i had to change it because it wasn’t right.

i wish life was that easy.

who am i kidding. my life is cake i just don’t seem to know how to eat it.

nothing to see here

i keep opening this page and then staring at it or wandering off to another tab trying to remember what i was going to post here.

then i realized i just have so many scattered random things running around my brain that even it has no idea what i wanted to blog about. i think the problem is that i’m a writer who doesn’t really write anymore but the need or urge is still very present. for a long time i had no idea where all my writing had gone. then i realized that a lot of that writing was needed to keep me sane and was very much venting frustration and questioning type writing. i wrote when i was upset, saddened, beaten down or heartsick.  these things still happen, i am still human and crazy after all but they are not the core and fiber and everything of my being all day everyday like they once were. i am not trapped in that state of being anymore.

being on disability eventually allowed me to be able to deal with the parts of life i still have to take care of without having breakdowns to the point that i cannot function several times a month. am i cured? am i no longer “disabled”? no. i am simply able to deal much better with the burden of financial, work and social interaction type areas of stress and anxiety. i have to remind myself of this whenever my midwestern work ethic says “get a job you lazy bitch!” i am putting my photography gig back together but even making my own hours and choosing what i will or won’t do is not without anxiety for me.  i want to do a good job, i want to be appropriate when working with children, i want to help people and i worry everytime that i fail at all of these and everyone is just being nice and saying my work is good because i don’t charge people for it. i do feel i can take photos good enough to hang on the wall to preserve precious memories but i will never be published or asked to do commercial work or whatever real photographers aspire to. this is my life and thanks to disability, a loving husband, great family and friends offering gobs of support i am able to live this life to some degree of fullness.

i think i have finally gotten my medication situation sorted out. i really feel this new med is helping and i have realized i get extra moody when i forget my welbutrin or have an extra busy stressful day. i’m always moody, it is the very nature of my flavor of Bipolar, but i have learned to mask my irritation, sadness, anger etc. when i take care of myself medication wise and take breaks and generally just go easy on myself emotionally. life is not all puppies and rainbows for me despite these positives along with being spoiled fucking rotten by my husband. i having crying spells, i am overwhelmed with guilt because of the very things that make my life seem so fantastic and it really kind of is if you know where my life started and went before here but all in all i am happy and optimistic and most importantly i don’t wish i were dead anymore. that want caused me the most guilt ever and the weight of it being lifted, realizing it had been, well that has made a world of difference.

something else i’m dealing with is my husband having Aspergers Syndrome. it could be sooo much worse than it is. i had almost gotten used to the lack of communication and affection but i was failry miserable because of it. i thought that was my life forever. now that we know we are both doing our best to work around it and with each other to be happier together. it seems to be working. yesterday after coming home from buying little things to improve the house, well more like make it our own, he came up behind me and hugged me and told me how he liked buying stuff for the house with me. if you know him at all, you know that is a big deal.

so yeah, things are okay and sometimes pretty awesome.

that’s all i got for now. my love is up and about and i didn’t get my cuddles cuz i was too restless. time to go get them now.

self discovery

i always felt like i am the same person i always have been. i never really felt like my personality ever evolved, maybe because i hid it away for almost a decade. the past several months i have been “looking for myself”. i thought i would just re-discover the person i always remembered being, i would be “myself” again.

i was simply wrong. the foundation of who i have always been is much the same but there is so much more that i never expected to find myself thinking, feeling, liking, wanting and being. i thought at first that most of it was pretty superficial. my taste in clothing, my urge to improve my make up skills, that sort of thing. my vanity has inflated and oddly i am fine with that. it pushes me to work harder to be thinner which is having the side effect of me feeling and being healthier.

i’m seeing that there is a lot more to “me” than i ever would have expected. so much more that i can’t even explain it all and why should i when it could all change on a dime at any time anyway? i will say, the most profound change is my desire to hide from the world. not just hide my overweight body but hide from the world and enjoy my solitude. i have never been comfortable being alone. i think the only reason i can be now is the knowledge that it is only temporary, not the abandonment i will always hate and fear. i know my husband will always come home and my daughter will always be my sun and moon, even if she doesn’t call or text much. i know she is there.

i’m not planning to ever try and explain any of this further. i just want to do my thing and get to know this new me.

my entire life is feeling pretty surreal these days.