self discovery

by kaleidegirl

i always felt like i am the same person i always have been. i never really felt like my personality ever evolved, maybe because i hid it away for almost a decade. the past several months i have been “looking for myself”. i thought i would just re-discover the person i always remembered being, i would be “myself” again.

i was simply wrong. the foundation of who i have always been is much the same but there is so much more that i never expected to find myself thinking, feeling, liking, wanting and being. i thought at first that most of it was pretty superficial. my taste in clothing, my urge to improve my make up skills, that sort of thing. my vanity has inflated and oddly i am fine with that. it pushes me to work harder to be thinner which is having the side effect of me feeling and being healthier.

i’m seeing that there is a lot more to “me” than i ever would have expected. so much more that i can’t even explain it all and why should i when it could all change on a dime at any time anyway? i will say, the most profound change is my desire to hide from the world. not just hide my overweight body but hide from the world and enjoy my solitude. i have never been comfortable being alone. i think the only reason i can be now is the knowledge that it is only temporary, not the abandonment i will always hate and fear. i know my husband will always come home and my daughter will always be my sun and moon, even if she doesn’t call or text much. i know she is there.

i’m not planning to ever try and explain any of this further. i just want to do my thing and get to know this new me.

my entire life is feeling pretty surreal these days.