nothing to see here

by kaleidegirl

i keep opening this page and then staring at it or wandering off to another tab trying to remember what i was going to post here.

then i realized i just have so many scattered random things running around my brain that even it has no idea what i wanted to blog about. i think the problem is that i’m a writer who doesn’t really write anymore but the need or urge is still very present. for a long time i had no idea where all my writing had gone. then i realized that a lot of that writing was needed to keep me sane and was very much venting frustration and questioning type writing. i wrote when i was upset, saddened, beaten down or heartsick.  these things still happen, i am still human and crazy after all but they are not the core and fiber and everything of my being all day everyday like they once were. i am not trapped in that state of being anymore.

being on disability eventually allowed me to be able to deal with the parts of life i still have to take care of without having breakdowns to the point that i cannot function several times a month. am i cured? am i no longer “disabled”? no. i am simply able to deal much better with the burden of financial, work and social interaction type areas of stress and anxiety. i have to remind myself of this whenever my midwestern work ethic says “get a job you lazy bitch!” i am putting my photography gig back together but even making my own hours and choosing what i will or won’t do is not without anxiety for me.  i want to do a good job, i want to be appropriate when working with children, i want to help people and i worry everytime that i fail at all of these and everyone is just being nice and saying my work is good because i don’t charge people for it. i do feel i can take photos good enough to hang on the wall to preserve precious memories but i will never be published or asked to do commercial work or whatever real photographers aspire to. this is my life and thanks to disability, a loving husband, great family and friends offering gobs of support i am able to live this life to some degree of fullness.

i think i have finally gotten my medication situation sorted out. i really feel this new med is helping and i have realized i get extra moody when i forget my welbutrin or have an extra busy stressful day. i’m always moody, it is the very nature of my flavor of Bipolar, but i have learned to mask my irritation, sadness, anger etc. when i take care of myself medication wise and take breaks and generally just go easy on myself emotionally. life is not all puppies and rainbows for me despite these positives along with being spoiled fucking rotten by my husband. i having crying spells, i am overwhelmed with guilt because of the very things that make my life seem so fantastic and it really kind of is if you know where my life started and went before here but all in all i am happy and optimistic and most importantly i don’t wish i were dead anymore. that want caused me the most guilt ever and the weight of it being lifted, realizing it had been, well that has made a world of difference.

something else i’m dealing with is my husband having Aspergers Syndrome. it could be sooo much worse than it is. i had almost gotten used to the lack of communication and affection but i was failry miserable because of it. i thought that was my life forever. now that we know we are both doing our best to work around it and with each other to be happier together. it seems to be working. yesterday after coming home from buying little things to improve the house, well more like make it our own, he came up behind me and hugged me and told me how he liked buying stuff for the house with me. if you know him at all, you know that is a big deal.

so yeah, things are okay and sometimes pretty awesome.

that’s all i got for now. my love is up and about and i didn’t get my cuddles cuz i was too restless. time to go get them now.