no thank you

by kaleidegirl

if you know me very well you may still not know how unhealthy my relationship with food is. i used to think i was an open book and i just realized that i may be but i’ve torn out a lot of pages out since trying so hard to put up the facade of not having mood swings every five minutes. i used to just be me and only hide the very dark when i really had to. in a matter of moments i suddenly wonder if anyone really knows me at all. do i?

food is and always has been my enemy. to the point that the thought of eating will sicken me. then i will eat a whole box of girl scout cookies and actually feel sick in my cookie coma. with a healthy dose of eater’s remorse. after only a week before my knee and being sick, i had gotten rid of my gut for the most part. i was even keeping my weight off through the knee pain and the sick but then the sick started to get better and i guess my body wanted food and my brain was too overworked to fight it.

i sometimes think i have an eating disorder but i don’t starve myself or purge myself so i wouldn’t know what to call it. i know i feel healthier, lighter and happier the less i eat whether by willpower or just not being hungry. i can stay away from junk food but some things make it hard. i truly prefer healthy food. fresh fruit, veggies, salad or sometimes all i really want is a PB&J to kill the hunger and go about my life with just what i needed and not 2 helpings of whatever awesome food my husband makes. see i like a lot of foods but i’ve come to a point where the reward is too short lived and i just feel sick and disgusting. i don’t know how to fix any of this without my husband having to change some aspect of his eating habits. whether it be eating alone or me deciding what we eat which he would tire of because i’ve lived on coffee and saltines before just because nothing else was worth the trouble. i wouldn’t do that now but i could easily eat baked chicken or steak and veggies with no starch preferably, for weeks on end and be happy with apples, bananas and my frozen fruit deserts i’ve been having the rest of the time. i would only drink my waters, infused, vitamin and sparkling and be perfectly content.

but then

i love Vernors and when i am sick or plan on a night of drinking we have it on hand and my water gets all but forgotten. i get sooooo bored watching TV in the evenings that i start snacking my way through whatever sounds good but might not be horrible for me or you know, a whole box of tagalongs. i keep telling myself it is this weather. it is making me sluggish and tired. i keep wanting the days to just end until the nicer weather arrives. i want to walk the dogs and go DO THINGS.

most of all. i wish the bad foods were just not here and no one was judging my not eating. if i were 300 lbs i’d get looks every time i ate a cookie or maybe anything not super healthy and well, i should hope so. i should be allowed to not eat whenever i feel like not eating. i don’t feel i have that freedom of choice though and my anger at my weight is starting feel shared between myself and those judging me, compelling me to eat, eat, eat.

there is this horrible trend going on with women lately. no one wants to let anyone feel fat and let them do what they know they need to do to not feel that way. heaven forbid you weigh 20 lbs less than another girl and say you feel fat. it is the worst competition ever. no one wins. never will there come a day that all women will be happy with their bodies. this is reality. i bet even when i was 60lbs lighter i was upset that i had lost my curves but too thrilled to be wearing a size 7 to let myself gain some weight. we all have an ideal in our minds and that is likely all that will make most of us happy. we may say, “oh, if I could just fit into that dress I’d be happy” but we’d be a big fat liar. i will finally fit into all my cute size 9 pants and then i will wish i had some room in them because just fitting isn’t enough at that point i’m sure. this doesn’t mean no woman will ever be happy but it certainly won’t happen for those of us being judged for not putting enough food on our plate. yes dear, yes family, yes friends, i love your cooking, no i don’t want to eat until i’m sick.

the worst part is, this judging…we only have to hear it once and it sticks as if it happens every time we fill or don’t fill our plate. maybe people saw it hurt or heard as much and never said another word. we still hear it. though my husband does feel the need to explain why he is using the bigger plates for some things because i pitched enough fits about how i only want to use the smaller ones because he heaps tons of food even on those. it is wonderful that he loves me no matter what i weigh but more importantly i need to love me and i can’t when being seen naked makes me uncomfortable.

i’m done.

i’m fixing this. i’m about to be 38 years old and it is ridiculous that i eat when i’m not hungry, get put on the spot to decide where to eat at the last minute over and over until i pick the right one. its not my fault that i don’t need as much variety as other people. i’m tired of eating food i don’t really really want to eat. i’m tired of feeling sick because of the pressure to eat more and not eat so slowly. sure, some of this is in my head, also, i have only so much to go on when i’m left with just snide comments and rolled eyes. between that and my crazy….i’m well fucked.

i’m allowed to make myself happy.

i’m allowed to say “i’m not hungry”

i’m allowed to not know out of the blue what i want to eat or even after thinking about it all day before grocery shopping.

i am also allowed to be bitter and upset about this.