like the stars miss the sun in the morning sky

by kaleidegirl

not even noon and my mood is shakier than usual.

i am feeling good physically. i have that nice light feeling i get when i take care of myself and lose weight. i like feeling this way. i know they are still too small but i ‘feel’ like i will fit my cute skinny clothes very soon. i am getting through a weekend without totally derailing all my efforts and will weigh and measure again on Tuesday to see where i am really at.

i’m struggling with some things. i feel fairly unwanted at times. like i make more of an effort to “friend” than the people i am friending and care for. i miss so many people and feel very much like sometimes it isn’t just people being busy. i often feel i am not worth making time for.

i also wish that i wasn’t so tired at night or that when i’m not i could feel like i am allowed to stay up and finish things i am doing. i have started writing and whenever i want to get to that i am unable to for some reason involving people and things around me dictating how i live.

i’m frustrated.

i’m content.

i’m over whelmed and under whelmed sometimes at once.

i love my hair but i wish i didn’t have to work so hard on having nice skin. i should be using my steamer daily and my wax bath at least once or twice a week. i’m not though.

my moods, oh they keep me off balance. i forget i need and want to do things and i just get so caught up trying to figure out what i need to do that i end up doing so many other things or nothing by wasting time online. i have all this free time then never get to do the things i say i will or want to do. things come up because i let them i think. i let life happen to me whether i like it or not and i should be just living, not coasting along obsessed with harmony and doing what the universe wants.

i really want my back piece finished. i get very anxious when i try to figure out how i will pay for it and it isn’t even that much money. it is more than i can afford but only because of my fixed income and need for snobby coffee dates at least once a month. just trying to figure how to come up with this money…i’m giving up my snobby coffee until i get this ink done. i have spent years figuring out how to fix it, i can’t handle it taking years to save up to actually get it done.

i’m so obsessive.

at least my hair looks great and even though i decided i would like to switch up and sometimes have all silver dreads with my black hair, i don’t feel like i have to buy what i need now now now.

these are my ramblings. does anyone even care?

i’m allowed to feel sorry for myself at least once a year, right? well that would be today, i’ll mark the calendar and be sure not to have another self pity day until next year.