this is a different morning and i’ve thrown away the tickets, don’t bother to pay the fines

by kaleidegirl

my best friend is very wise.

i’ve been feeling like most of my relationships are very one-sided. realizing this has made me hesitant to be the friend i’ve been. i’m not playing a game, or being passive-aggressive. i’ve still reached out but have been blatantly ignored or just forgotten about mid-conversation.

as i said my best friend is very wise.

“you don’t owe anyone a good mood” or something similar.

it is a lonely place here but i really need to learn to put myself first for a change.

(joke if you like, i know i’m a spoiled selfish brat, despite that i still care and worry and reach out to check on people who clearly don’t give a fuck about the work i put into this facade of “being OK”)

i don’t owe any of you anything. not ANY OF YOU. 30+ years of guilt and putting your feelings before my own needs and pretending I’m OK so you don’t have to console me or worry about me is quite enough.

i hate how mean this sounds. it isn’t meant that way.

i just feel like i have been given permission to protect myself.

i text, message, call….to make sure you are OK and to be sure you know you aren’t forgotten and you are thought of and cared for. you politely ask how i am, you always do, all of you and i lie. LIE. i say things like “i can’t complain” but i can and those of you who have cared enough to really fucking care to ask for real, well you either know what is bothering me or i protect you and i LIE.

i’m not saying any of this to make anyone feel bad. i am not blaming any of you for anything i have to be bothered by or upset about. i just need to start protecting me instead of you, the world at large. i’ve gotten so good at protecting all of you that even when i am alone i stop myself crying and bottle it all up some more and maybe the bottles are all used up and i’ve run out of new ones to fill.

i told myself to be patient

i told myself to be fine

i told myself to be blanced

i told myself to be kind