“Accidentally on purpose…”

the attention just encourages her..

Month: April, 2015

my grandma passed away yesterday. she is loved and missed by a great many family and friends.

and i find it relevant to note that this is my daughters great grandmother on her dads side. my in laws have all taken me in and loved me as their own but i felt it the most from Grandma and Grandpa (who passed away a couple years ago, barely). Maybe because they were the closest i had to family at my second wedding. they accepted my new husband and family much like they did me.

the idea of family looms like a great gift i received from other peoples families, but never my own. i treasure the feeling of belonging and will miss my grandma as if she were my own all my life. her absence is a heavy weight. maybe because just over a week ago it seems was the last time we spoke on the phone and within days she went from happy, laughing, and seemingly healthy to struggling to breathe and ready to give up the fight. i don’t blame her. i hope i have the strength to decide my end on my terms the way she did.

it all happened too fast. probably especially for her daughters and their families who were with her as all this happened. we didn’t get to say goodbye and i should have spent more time with her but my last time speaking to her in person was a good visit even though she was in the hospital soon to have major surgery. a surgery she later laughed off as no big deal. only Grandma could say that about major brain surgery. i will miss her laugh more than anything.

i really don’t know how to do this. i’ve had great support though and i’m trying very hard to live the way my grandma did. the way we all should. with kindness but toughness. i’m trying to shake the petty things, worries about my appearance, in favor of focusing on my health and happiness and not taking the rest of the family i have for granted.

i like to think that Grandma would appreciate her passing having a positive effect on her loved ones lives. She was a very genuine person and brutally honest while still fiercely loving and kind. that takes strength of character like i had never seen until getting to know my grandma.

if you have read this, please say a prayer, send healing thoughts to her daughters, sons and grand and great grand children, her many friends and her 3 cats who have graciously been taken in by one of those great friends.

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don’t really have time for all that is on my mind

how do i stop?

i’m so tired.

why do my thighs have to be just a little too big and my upper arms a little too fatty to wear my own clothes? how do i stop hating this one thing? i have 3 dresses that are hard to wear because my arms are too fat. i have many pairs of pants that i can’t wear at all because they fall off my waist yet stick tightly taut to my thighs.

it burns a little to try and whiten my teeth so i tell myself to stop drinking coffee, tea and red wine and damn me to hell if i have a smoke with a friend. that must be why it burns.

i struggle to find comfort in a most wonderfully comfortable and cozy bed every single night now. i am lazy for not washing my face even though i “didn’t wear any make up”. i lecture myself about any horrible food choices i made that day. i writhe in guilt for not burning enough calories to burn my vanity away. that is all this is. vanity.

how do i stop?

why do i try so hard to begin with?

oh but i don’t. i’m so lazy. maybe i have no energy from spending it all on guilt.

i just want to slide into a nice pair of pants and not worry that my thighs will rip them apart when i get in or out of the car. is that so much to ask? how can it be so hard to fix? is it my fault for wanting that skinny leg to fit inside my boots? is this my punishment for not walking my dogs? what the actual fuck.

do i really need to be a size 9? or 11? sometimes a 13 is even a poor fit. you are saying these are just numbers and that is indeed true but they are important numbers because they fill my closet and dictate my self esteem each day when i have to pass things over until “another 20 pounds” or more. so more leggings and baggy sweaters and long over-sized everything else. i will keep stretching out my clothes before i hang them to dry just so i can hopefully keep putting on that cardigan that hides my waves of flab under my arms.

oh just shoot me someone please. this is not living.

just let her crash and burn or maybe read her blog for a change

*trigger warning*  if you know what this means then it applies to you.

it doesn’t happen often and for many years i’ve been baffled when it does. suicidal thoughts. i’ve worried in the past that it was a dreaded dealbreaker side effect but i finally figured it out.

clearly i do not ever really want to die. i think though that my brain goes to that place when it is worn out, tired, wasted. the energy needed to keep up a facade so intricate as mine is exhausting on so many levels. so when my brain thinks the bad thoughts it is just a roundabout way of saying it is done for awhile.

so

i need to do something to unwind my brain, give it a real break.

so

the walls are coming down for as long as it takes for my brain to recover. i will wear what i want. i will wear as much or as little make up as i want. i will speak as much or as little as i want and i must take a break from people pleasing. i’ve no intention of being overly selfish, obnoxious or rude, just ME. just real. if i am having a bad day you may hear about it if you ask, same goes for good days.

yesterday was good/bad. depending on the hour.

so far today has been OK.

my dragons need salad. the crickets came. my two least favorite responsibilities.

can a girl get some credit in the real world?

the worst part of bipolar disorder for me i think has to be the minutes, hours, days or weeks that i have no idea how i feel. mixed state. i wanna get off my fat ass and be active but i can never make myself do it and i don’t know why. am i depressed? am i tired? am i just lazy? i don’t know.

i had to stop cleaning the whole house every single week because i needed to feel like it was being lived in. i am still stuck in this perpetual state of fighting to live, not just survive or be here. really live. real experiences, conversations etc etc so forth and so on.

trying to have a social life outside the damn laptop is like pulling teeth in one way or another. now that i stopped asking permission to have a life it seems the world stopped waiting for me to grow a spine and gave up on me. maybe they gave up on themselves and can’t get their head out of their computer either.

i thought the springtimeofmycrazy had started early but i’ve realized the past couple weeks it was just a ruse. has it now started? maybe it is just the energy boosting supplement making me feel a little manic?

i’m having one of those days, i know this. one of those days when everything is crystal clear and you can’t remember the last time someone really paid you a compliment. when all you can hear is the voice of being taunted with your favorite chocolate indulgence when that voice knows SO WELL that you hate being fat and desperately want to fit into all the great clothes they bought you because you are tired of wearing leggings and dresses and skirts and can a girl just wear a pair of pants that truly fit for once in 3 years!!!!!????? a girl like me can only do so much about her weight with food overflowing in the kitchen at all fucking times and heaven forbid we don’t have every version of every food group.

i hate food right now.

i want to live on water and saltines and stop thinking about the clothes that i may never fit into ever.

if you offer me anything but coffee…well or a smoke i guess…i just want you to know i will hate you for a hot minute. nothing personal against you, just the food. the evil food.

other things are bothering me but the dirty laundry goes to the basement not the laptop, right?