“Accidentally on purpose…”

the attention just encourages her..

Month: June, 2015

the sun keeps ruining my fun… (EDITED)

i’m doing some serious research on this issue i have with the sun. it seems to get worse every year. people think i’m just joking all goth like when i say i’m allergic to the sun but i’m learning that is more than a theory and i stopped being amused by saying it years ago. when it was just extra uncomfortable and a little shade and cool air had me back out having fun i did find it amusing that i was so goth i was allergic to sunlight. i always try to find humor in unfortunate circumstance.

then the irritability and nausea started. then on top of that my skin felt like it was on fire within moments of direct exposure. people will touch my arm while conversing and jerk it back because my skin is burning hot. then they ask if i’m ok, some check me for a fever and many offer water or try to find me shelter. then came the actual fever and chills. being burning up and freezing at the same time and feeling weak and lightheaded sometimes. each year it is harder and harder to “deal with”. it isn’t dehydration, i’ve tested that. it isn’t heatstroke, maybe it would become that if i were trapped in the sun too long. i’m trying so hard to be sure what it is and if i can do anything about it.

when i was a youngin, laying out with iced tea and magazines was my jam. then my skin started to get blotchy red when i was getting into my real teen years. it looked awful and i thought i just wasn’t meant to tan so i avoided prolonged exposure and used a lot of sunblock.

here is an image of what got me out of the sun.

polymorphous light eruption

ever since i stopped tanning and such i just have a slight redness on my chest, more so in the summer but even in winter. i had been thinking recently that i was not caring for my skin and started trying things to even my skin tone. now i wonder if it is just a very very mild case of that “polymorphous light eruption” shown in the photo.

i am always ok at Cedar Point, uncomfortable but not enough to let it ruin my fun. last year Michigan adventure i was fine. i assumed all the water rides and extra extra sunblock staved off the reactions i should have had. for awhile i thought alcohol made it worse but i tested that theory a few times and no better no worse. after that i did learn the sunsick made it so that drinking was not even fun. i will still try if i can find shade or a breeze but i learned this weekend that the sunsick sometimes is delayed.

i know i’m blogging you to death with this but until yesterday i thought it was just something i had to tolerate and would tough out.

then i basically missed my best girls 40th bday party who i won’t even see again until i can afford plane tix to LA. HA! cuz that will ever happen.

this summer is still young and i want to figure this out. i want to learn all i can and find ways to enjoy the summer. i don’t want to miss fun times at the dock and leisurely walks through the city on a nice day and i want to be able to walk the dogs any time, not just when its overcast and not too hot or humid. as usual, i’m not done having fun yet.

i’m going to do more research but if anyone has any links or advice or things to try….help a girl out!



from what i read here, what i am suffering from is sunsickness otherwise known as hyperthermia. yay.



it seems like its been awhile….

on the days i’m not struggling to keep my ass off the couch or computer, my life has been quite busy lately.

i’m switching my bipolar medication. tapering off of Latuda and increasing a new med Lamictal, new as in new to me except the one time i tried it and thought i had the fatal rash. this change had to happen because of side effects affecting my quality of life. it will take time to get the Latuda out of my system but i’m hopeful. so far no negative effects from the Lamictal.

i accidentally drank too much on saturday which resulted in me being covered in bruises from falling down and losing my wedding band. no, not my pretty engagement ring. the wedding band that somehow survived a divorce and serious bout of crazy.(i did have a good time that night, well, what i didn’t lose when i had that one too many drinks) my husband gave me his ring that he wore when we were engaged the second time and that is good because my pretty is getting too big and i’m lucky i didn’t lose that as well. the borrowed band is keeping it in place until resizing later in the summer. i’m going to look into getting my new band soldered onto my pretty, we’ll see how that goes.

losing my wedding band could have been even more traumatizing if we weren’t already planning to get a new set when we renew our vows in October. it will be our ten year wedding anniversary. (later this month will be the 11 year anniversary of our first kiss, yes i keep track of this stuff) i’m excited to renew our vows so that is a thing.

my quest to lose weight without starving myself is a slow process. most likely due to the medication i’m stopping. i keep trying though and hope that when the old is gone and the new is fully in my system, the weight will start coming off as it should be. i’m actually eating more like a healthy person these days. i put chia seeds in my activia yogurt that i eat twice a day. i work in my pear applesauce and 2 apples throughout each day. sometimes i have an actual lunch of leftovers from not cleaning my plate til i’m sick. i drink my usual 2-3 cups of coffee and lots of water and tea. i also do yoga and strength training for about 45 minutes a day during the week for sure, sometimes on the weekend. i’ve been doing all of this for almost 3 months now. i should have lost at least 10 lbs. if not more. i’ve lost maybe 5 and have to fight to keep that off. truth be told, i probably lost that 5 before i started forcing small amounts of food on myself to stop the starvation pattern i was in. i do measure myself and have only lost 2 inches. one from my thighs and one from my waist. that’s it.

i’m getting fucking angry.

i want to cut off the fat around my chin and the flab dangling under my arms. looking in the mirror has become so awful that i barely put on makeup anymore because lets face it, nothing is going to improve the look of this hideously fat face. i use some products to try and fight the dullness and redness and uneven tone of my skin on my face and neck but really sometimes i think, fuck it. no one is looking. including me anymore because it makes me want to physically cut away the hideousness.

i never even got up to get more drink or anything else while typing this and i’m mystified as i sometimes am, at how quickly and drastically my mood can change.

i need to go make some tea. because tea is a hug in a cup.