it seems like its been awhile….

by kaleidegirl

on the days i’m not struggling to keep my ass off the couch or computer, my life has been quite busy lately.

i’m switching my bipolar medication. tapering off of Latuda and increasing a new med Lamictal, new as in new to me except the one time i tried it and thought i had the fatal rash. this change had to happen because of side effects affecting my quality of life. it will take time to get the Latuda out of my system but i’m hopeful. so far no negative effects from the Lamictal.

i accidentally drank too much on saturday which resulted in me being covered in bruises from falling down and losing my wedding band. no, not my pretty engagement ring. the wedding band that somehow survived a divorce and serious bout of crazy.(i did have a good time that night, well, what i didn’t lose when i had that one too many drinks) my husband gave me his ring that he wore when we were engaged the second time and that is good because my pretty is getting too big and i’m lucky i didn’t lose that as well. the borrowed band is keeping it in place until resizing later in the summer. i’m going to look into getting my new band soldered onto my pretty, we’ll see how that goes.

losing my wedding band could have been even more traumatizing if we weren’t already planning to get a new set when we renew our vows in October. it will be our ten year wedding anniversary. (later this month will be the 11 year anniversary of our first kiss, yes i keep track of this stuff) i’m excited to renew our vows so that is a thing.

my quest to lose weight without starving myself is a slow process. most likely due to the medication i’m stopping. i keep trying though and hope that when the old is gone and the new is fully in my system, the weight will start coming off as it should be. i’m actually eating more like a healthy person these days. i put chia seeds in my activia yogurt that i eat twice a day. i work in my pear applesauce and 2 apples throughout each day. sometimes i have an actual lunch of leftovers from not cleaning my plate til i’m sick. i drink my usual 2-3 cups of coffee and lots of water and tea. i also do yoga and strength training for about 45 minutes a day during the week for sure, sometimes on the weekend. i’ve been doing all of this for almost 3 months now. i should have lost at least 10 lbs. if not more. i’ve lost maybe 5 and have to fight to keep that off. truth be told, i probably lost that 5 before i started forcing small amounts of food on myself to stop the starvation pattern i was in. i do measure myself and have only lost 2 inches. one from my thighs and one from my waist. that’s it.

i’m getting fucking angry.

i want to cut off the fat around my chin and the flab dangling under my arms. looking in the mirror has become so awful that i barely put on makeup anymore because lets face it, nothing is going to improve the look of this hideously fat face. i use some products to try and fight the dullness and redness and uneven tone of my skin on my face and neck but really sometimes i think, fuck it. no one is looking. including me anymore because it makes me want to physically cut away the hideousness.

i never even got up to get more drink or anything else while typing this and i’m mystified as i sometimes am, at how quickly and drastically my mood can change.

i need to go make some tea. because tea is a hug in a cup.