you don’t see what i see

i have to get over this idea that if i work hard enough and deny myself many things i enjoy i will someday have the figure i once had but never appreciated. body dysmorphia has robbed me of enough of my life. had i been able to see how good i looked years ago and taken care of myself then i wouldn’t be so overweight now. instead i saw a gross and ugly person and either binged in defeat or starved in desperation to fix it.

i hold on to ‘skinny’ clothes, a feeble attempt at motivation. i hide in oversized clothes, trying to feel thinner. i’ve been sucking in my stomach for 30 years, you’d think i’d have a six pack from that compulsion alone.

from now on i hope to fight these bad habits, which are much worse than having a soda when out to dinner or an ice cream sundae after dinner once in awhile. i’m not going to go crazy and eat everything in sight and never workout. i will keep eating healthy as possible and doing my workout every day but rather than obsessing over the idea of being thin and fitting into tiny clothes i will focus more on my hair and skin. i stay out of the sun because i get sunsick and i should have healthy glowing skin but instead it is red and blotchy in places and my face is reddish here and there and even almost yellow by my eyes. i have terrible dry skin on my hands, no matter what products i try. i feel like these things are more important and if i can improve my skin and grow my hair out then i will hopefully be able to see something worth looking at.

my workout is easy to stick with and it makes me feel healthier, even when my chronic pain flares up. i’m slowly losing weight and inches and maybe will do even better if i stop obsessing.

from now on when i put something on and it is way too small i will set it aside to sell or donate. i will do the same with things that are way too big, so big i wouldn’t actually wear it.

i have several bikini tops i must say goodbye to. i look positively indecent with my boobs spilling out on all sides. i will find a suitable top to go with the bottoms i found that are also less indecent. i will do my best to stop shaming myself when i have to buy plus size tights and i will get my actual size when i buy clothes, not a slightly smaller size that kind of fits me because its the biggest size they have. i will have to learn to dress and carry my body as it is without body shaming myself every time i walk by a reflective surface.

this is going to be very hard but this is the only life i get and living this way is not actually living.