“Accidentally on purpose…”

the attention just encourages her..

Month: September, 2015

before you say goodbye… leave the bourbon on the shelf and I’ll drink it by myself

it is a little past 4 am. i spent two hours in bed trying to get back to sleep then gave up. i checked my phone and answered some messages.

sat in the dark for a couple minutes. realized i am definitely wide the fuck awake so i ninja’d my laptop from my office and made a cup of coffee without a single light and Chris never woke up. i used to struggle with insomnia quite regularly but then got my crazy meds just right and was pretty much sleeping like the dead until recently. i know exactly why i cannot get back to sleep. i am seeing my pulmonary specialist in the morning. i’m pretty much terrified. even Chris is worried. i always assume he is immune to this sort of thing. i figure he is too logical to worry until there is confirmation of something to worry about.

sparrow has this thing where you can create an account and see test results and check appts and such. i skimmed all they had on me. i’m glad i did. my dr either lied about my last set of lab results or is incapable of reading them. i was told last week to get my films on disc for the pulmonary dr and i of course loaded them up and looked at my lungs and read the radiologist notes and maybe if i hadn’t done all that i would be sleeping right now. maybe i would have never even gotten to sleep. i really can’t be sure. i think i have been misdiagnosed and been put through extended pain and tests before finally getting the treatment i need that i just don’t fully trust drs. i feel a need to know more than what they tell me which is usually very little when all is said and done.

i have been good about not googling my symptoms except to find home remedies for something. on the flip side though, i did look at some images of healthy lungs for comparison to the images of mine. you don’t need to be a dr to see that my lungs are in bad shape. not to mention that i struggle to breathe. i can very literally feel that my lungs are not working as they should. my hope is that it is an issue that can be treated without long term negative affects to my way of living. i want to be able to walk without feeling so weak i might just crumble to the floor. i want to clean my house. i miss dancing. i even miss doing yoga but even with trying every day i am weaker and weaker and almost unable to do much at all anymore. i keep trying.

so i sit, awake, nervous, and terrified.

whatever happens, i get what anyone gets, i get a lifetime.

i’m not afraid of “hell”, i am afraid of not seeing my daughter get married, finish school, have babies…be happy. it is also very hard to think about leaving Chris, not just because i am his wife and he loves me but because i think that despite my inability to work and do many other things, he needs me. if he moves on, well, i worry they won’t know to or want to take care of the things he has trouble doing or they won’t be happy just being with him, even if we just sit in the living room ignoring the tv together a lot of the time. we have finally built a life together where the struggle is no longer angry and our issues have solutions that we can navigate. we are looking forward to growing old together. we build our hopes and dreams around each other, not just on our own.

it is after 5 now.

when Chris gets up around his usual time about 6 i will distract myself by showering and doing my hair an make up. i don’t go out much and i hate looking like i feel when i do. if all goes well maybe we will want to go somewhere for lunch or something to celebrate.

was there something out there for me?

this song has been a favorite since I first heard it but lately it makes me just sob when I hear it.

*spoiler alert* childish whining ahead

~disclaimer~ i know my life could be worse and i actually have a nice life going on here. i know this.

i.am.so.tired.

i’ve been dealing with health issues keeping me from even the simplest daily activities for weeks, over a month, i’m losing track of time.

i can’t help my friends in need.

i’m lonely and don’t fit into the social circle i once loved being a part of. honestly, i feel kind of ostracized. maybe that sounds like an exaggeration, but it is really the best way to explain how i feel. only 4 people in over a month have actually *contacted me* to see how i am doing. 3 of them live way out of state. one of them is the mother of one of the 3 out of state people. is it ridiculous of me to feel forgotten and take a whole minute maybe to do that math?? i feel guilty every time i whine on FB about having a bad day, like i am forcing people to pretend to care. fuck, this all sounds so petty and childish, i see that but…this is not new. what have i done to isolate myself so much????

part of me wants to give up. unplug the charger from phone in the morning and check for anything important and then put it the fuck back down until i actually NEED it. like if i need to make a call or send a text or snap a quick pic. or if someone calls or texts me. part of me wants to stop using my laptop to occupy my mornings. just check my emails, bank/credit accounts or other important things real quick, maybe scroll the Facebook for a minute and close the damn thing unless i NEED it. to send an email, find a recipe or google something important, then close the damn thing again. part of me wants to delete FB messenger from my phone and iPad. see for as lonely and forgotten as i feel i am equally dependent on technology to fill the void. i remember when i had BETTER FUCKING SHIT to be doing. i write, like with a pen and paper so little now that when i need to it is actually fun, comforting, familiar…i don’t know…it feels right. sadly when i have tried to write for more than a minute or two my hand hurts like hell and becomes useless for a good hour or so.

part of me wonders why i am taking the time to make all these childish feelings public. i blogged awhile back asking for some validation, some testimony of having purpose because i thought, if i don’t ask how does anyone know i need it. a few people commented on the FB post i put up later mentioning said post, i think a couple people commented on the blog itself. i tried to take it in and have it be enough but i think getting so little feedback just amplified all these negative a lonely feelings. i know it isn’t anyone elses job or responsibility to give my life meaning and purpose. at the same time i know i am allowed to have these feelings. i am allowed to feel lonely and forgotten.

i will keep trying not to. i will keep finding new ways to fill my time. i will keep working on not hating my body. i will keep being here for the people i love in case they need me.

maybe a lot of this is the unfortunate side effect of being basically on bed rest for the better part of over a month now.