*spoiler alert* childish whining ahead
~disclaimer~ i know my life could be worse and i actually have a nice life going on here. i know this.
i’ve been dealing with health issues keeping me from even the simplest daily activities for weeks, over a month, i’m losing track of time.
i can’t help my friends in need.
i’m lonely and don’t fit into the social circle i once loved being a part of. honestly, i feel kind of ostracized. maybe that sounds like an exaggeration, but it is really the best way to explain how i feel. only 4 people in over a month have actually *contacted me* to see how i am doing. 3 of them live way out of state. one of them is the mother of one of the 3 out of state people. is it ridiculous of me to feel forgotten and take a whole minute maybe to do that math?? i feel guilty every time i whine on FB about having a bad day, like i am forcing people to pretend to care. fuck, this all sounds so petty and childish, i see that but…this is not new. what have i done to isolate myself so much????
part of me wants to give up. unplug the charger from phone in the morning and check for anything important and then put it the fuck back down until i actually NEED it. like if i need to make a call or send a text or snap a quick pic. or if someone calls or texts me. part of me wants to stop using my laptop to occupy my mornings. just check my emails, bank/credit accounts or other important things real quick, maybe scroll the Facebook for a minute and close the damn thing unless i NEED it. to send an email, find a recipe or google something important, then close the damn thing again. part of me wants to delete FB messenger from my phone and iPad. see for as lonely and forgotten as i feel i am equally dependent on technology to fill the void. i remember when i had BETTER FUCKING SHIT to be doing. i write, like with a pen and paper so little now that when i need to it is actually fun, comforting, familiar…i don’t know…it feels right. sadly when i have tried to write for more than a minute or two my hand hurts like hell and becomes useless for a good hour or so.
part of me wonders why i am taking the time to make all these childish feelings public. i blogged awhile back asking for some validation, some testimony of having purpose because i thought, if i don’t ask how does anyone know i need it. a few people commented on the FB post i put up later mentioning said post, i think a couple people commented on the blog itself. i tried to take it in and have it be enough but i think getting so little feedback just amplified all these negative a lonely feelings. i know it isn’t anyone elses job or responsibility to give my life meaning and purpose. at the same time i know i am allowed to have these feelings. i am allowed to feel lonely and forgotten.
i will keep trying not to. i will keep finding new ways to fill my time. i will keep working on not hating my body. i will keep being here for the people i love in case they need me.
maybe a lot of this is the unfortunate side effect of being basically on bed rest for the better part of over a month now.