if not now then when?

by kaleidegirl

I think the biggest thing I need to work on is my extreme self consciousness. I worry far too much about what other people think of me. I want to be liked and accepted. It seems silly, after the outpouring of support while in the hospital that I worry so much about this.

I’ve been trying to be a better friend, wife etc. More present and less reliant on FB for interaction. There are baby steps involved. Texting rather than FB messaging and then calling rather than texting. I’ll still text people before calling to not be a nuisance. People just aren’t used to unexpected phone calls these days.

I’m drinking less and this has the bonus of being less likely to make a fool of myself. I started setting a drink limit but found it to be unrealistic in certain situations. Now I will just switch to water and tell someone to help remind me to back off the booze. I really do just forget how much I’ve had whether I am drunk or not. Unless every drink is different, then if I haven’t hit drunk yet I can still remember what I had. That makes sense right?

I’ll be back to cutting back on some things after the holidays. I mean, why deprive myself or shame myself over an extra cookie or three when I know I can just cut back the next day and get back on track. You know, one cookie instead of three, four or you know ten.

I have more things to be doing now so cutting the cord with the internet will be easier. Not to mention I need to feed the credit cards I emptied doing xmess shopping. Almost entirely online.

I’m still doing good about wearing the clothes that fit and not stressing about losing weight. I’m doing what I want with my hair and my appearance in general. You may have noticed me shamelessly wearing a tiara and uber lipstick for no good reason. Deal with it is all I can say if you have a problem with it.

I wish I could take that selfishness a step further and get my tattoos where and how I want them and the piercings I want to have but I will always be the kind of wife who wants to please her husband, I’m just not letting that control every aspect of who I am. Pick your battles right? I could get a fake lip ring if I can find one I like.

I’m joining some friends in a 28 day fitness challenge. I am also going to make more of an effort to blog more and work on filling my journals too. I also think it would be fun to do one of those “selfie a day” things and have them made into a time lapse video.

I want to keep being the “documenter of life” taking photos at every occasion but I also want to make more of an effort to be part of these photos, present at these events after the fact. Which brings me to the question of to corset or not to corset at awesome foodie events. My family is full of amazing cooks and it is so hard to not have at least a tiny bit of everything. I think when I need to make this decision I will try out my outfit with and without before hand. I will not be able to fully tight lace for some time but I can wear them and still breathe just fine.

I will sparkle tonight. Tiara, makeup and my new glitter fishnets. I feel like a night full of bubbly warrants at least one bubbly glitter girl.

No one is going to damage my calm or my fun tonight. And that boys and girls is going to be my biggest challenge.

I really hope all this is realistic. I mean, I am already working out quite a bit EVERY day, I want and already am learning the piano and have proven I am capable of cutting the metaphorical laptop cord and controlling my boozing.

I can do this. You only fail if you don’t try or you give up.