hey hey, who’d a thought?

by kaleidegirl

i’m going to California in a couple days. 2 sleeps. i’m very excited. for awhile i was very worried. my breathing wasn’t good a couple weeks ago. i got sick twice and i feared i would not meet the airline requirements for battery life on portable oxygen machines and i would have to post pone my trip. then my best girl bought tickets on the same flights there and back. what could be more perfect than the three of us in sunny California, none of us totally broke for a change. no bitter cold distracting us from fun as we simply hurry with only the goal of getting warm. sure, the sun hates me. i will do my best. i have a brand new can of sunscreen, a sun hat and my parasol. my breathing is also very good. i barely use it around the house the last couple days. it almost always at least in the safe range every time i have checked it. i still use it. i just don’t need it like i did a couple weeks ago. i hope to do very well at pulmonary rehab tomorrow.

i finally have a hobby. i’m making a business out of it but have realized i really enjoy doing it. yesterday i finally perfected them. i can now make them exactly how i like them and as near as i can tell, exactly like the ones i used to pay so much money for. i can do an entire package of hair in just under two hours from start to finish. i have a FB page for it and i did buy business cards but won’t be getting packaging and figuring out shipping until i start getting orders. i took a chance and got the cards because i have always gotten compliments on my dreads and been asked where i got them. now i can say thank you, i made them and here is my card. i still have somethings to learn and perfect that i’ve struggled with during this learning process and that is fine. it might frustrate me but it does not discourage me.

through all of this i am struggling with my bipolar and my marriage. it isn’t anything i can easily explain and i don’t think he is doing anything to cause it. maybe i’m still adjusting to my medication dosage changing. maybe i’m trying too hard to fight my anxiety on my own even though it has worsened again and i have something i can take to help. two options in fact. i’m irritable. i’m frequently conflicted about the habit of having to ask permission and the knowledge that i shouldn’t have too and it is a habit i need to break despite my resentment toward him for causing it.for lack of a better word.i know that marriage is work and i’m aware that we face bonus challenges with the aspergers and the bipolar. it is similar to him keeping me grounded and me encouraging him to be social but it is like that in a very difficult way. i feel controlled and see apathy in him (despite knowing the reason for his behavior) then i am sure he sees me as annoying and stupid. he denies these things of course but then doesn’t do or say anything to reinforce his denial. even at the moment i bring it up i just get a simple “no”. not “no, you aren’t stupid i just get frustrated because you are forgetful”. or something similar. he put up with me being repetitive about feeling bad for something for like a week before finally saying he was tired of hearing about it.i was surprised he volunteered such information and then obviously felt horrible for being extra annoying.

i also can’t decide if i’m mostly ok with my appearance (not including my skin) or still feel like an ugly undesirable wife. maybe i am not getting the validation i need when i express feelings of acceptance or even pride in my figure or no compliments when i express soul crushing loathing of my appearance. i know it isn’t anyone elses responsibility to boost my self esteem but that doesn’t nullify the fact that my self worth often relies on the opinion of others. my vanity is a strange juxtaposition between vainly appreciating my beauty and obsessively focusing on my flaws. either way i have trouble just walking past a mirror without looking at myself. sometimes i like what i see and keep looking and enjoying it and sometimes i am ashamed of what i am seeing and can’t stop looking noting every flaw and shaming myself for what i should be doing to fix it.

through all of this i am hiding behind my mask, my facade. pretending i don’t feel horrible guilt over asking for the simplest item at the store or just shutting down to avoid being insipid and annoying.

i hope i can leave that mask at home when i leave this week. i hope i can, as i usually do, be myself with out fear of judgement. for years i felt like an outsider in this little”sisterhood” and then suddenly i realized, this is my place. i am, if not always understood, always excepted and appreciated. they don’t hold back, good or bad. they forgive when i don’t stop to think before i speak and accidentally say something terrible without meaning to. they don’t let me dwell on my self loathing. we all understand each other in most every way and we encourage each other, build each other up and cheer each other on and express pride in our different achievements and successes. we would have to put forth great effort to sever the ties between us. luckily i am sure none of would ever even think about wanting to do such a thing. i love my life and time given sisters. my best friends i hold up on the highest of pedestals. i am truly blessed.

2 more sleeps.

“hey hey, LA

DEVIL! Pour me another shot!

Hey hey, LA. Who’d a thought?

roses grow…”