“Accidentally on purpose…”

the attention just encourages her..

Month: March, 2016

come in to my parlor….

on march 11th, the day before my 39th birthday i bleached my hair and dyed it red. i’ve always liked red hair but awhile back i found out my husband didn’t like it, not any of the natural shades at least. he was ok with the manic panic red. then suddenly in the store he points out the red section of some new brands of dye. so i asked about it and he said he didn’t mind it.

(this is my life with bipolar)

i pretty much immediately took out my dreads that had only been put in about a week before. (i started this in my car while driving then did most of it while waiting at SOS to renew my registration) i got bleach, twice because i ran out. (i guess my hair is pretty thick) i didn’t need to bleach any lighter after those two rounds and i dyed my hair red. the next day i got a fresh haircut. i said something about how i had wanted to shave the side i always like to keep much shorter than the other but my husband said he wouldn’t like that and she suggested shaving just a little underneath. i said go for it. next day i had to go back because the short side was just not blended the way i wanted, while there i had them shave the shaved part down even shorter and i liked it much better that way. almost a couple weeks later i decided to try again to get it closer to the manic panic red he likes because he mentioned that the current color was fading. i stopped at Sally’s and got some bleach and this new permanent red red. i wanted to do this in the first place but their credit card machine was down so i used what i could find at the pharmacy. well i ended up with very coppery hair, basically orange. i knew he would hate it and actually wanted to hide. we went to the store and he picked out a ruby red he liked and i figured it would go over the orange just fine. it didn’t really. it wasn’t quite so brassy and i liked the color.

so then Saturday night we are having a few drinks and i show him the shaved part that i had been waiting for him to notice on his own. he said he had already seen it. i was surprised he didn’t say anything because he had already said he wouldn’t like the side being shaved. he claims he NEVER said any such thing. he really did but i lately he has been less opposed to things i want to do with m hair and such. anyway. the next day, yesterday, before i started getting around to go see the in-laws for easter i shaved the side of my head. i got to a point where i needed help and went over to his parents house just a few blocks away and she finished it for me. my daughter showed up after i was showered and such and picked me up and she was not pleased. she accused me of going through a mid-life crisis. i laughed and said my whole life was a crisis.

luckily none of the family had anything negative to say. my father in law even said he liked it. my sister in law said she would do something like that and thought it was pretty cool. this was nice because i was sure i was walking into an emotional war zone of criticism.

so i went from this the first week of march

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to this by the last week of march

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once what is left of my hair is healthier and will take dye better i plan to get the ruby red again to cover this still kind of orangy red.

so yeah. this is the kind of thing that happens during a manic phase. when i decide to change my hair or something my brain is very NOW NOW NOW and i’m a bunged up mess until i get it done.

i’m not keeping it this way. i like it but i have been working on growing my hair out. i miss my long black waves. i will have to go through a long awkward hair stage but once it grows back enough that i can dye it to match the rest when i touch up my roots it won’t look so bad while growing out and once it does i will have a very asymmetrical cut going on and that is something i was working on too.

so yeah, not a “midlife crisis” just part of being me and being bipolar.

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there’s a war in my mind….

i realized today (which is now yesterday) that things are very cluttered in my brain space. i had to fight back some tears yesterday, just out of the blue. i am feeling very guilty for not appreciating my husband more. i feel like he doesn’t deserve my whining and complaints after days of worry and anxiety while i was on a ventilator in ICU. my brain is telling me i should try harder to be a better wife. to be more patient with his flaws, which we all have. he is pretty damn good about dealing with mine. sure i sometimes feel like he should be more kind when pointing out my mistakes because i can’t control my memory but then i just think…i should take it and try even harder to be perfect, to be worth all he went through back in October. he really held it together and was completely present for me in every way even if he had to sometimes get a bit stern so to speak about my excessive worry and negativity. i needed that though. and yes, i am deeply hurt and offended when he says i am not doing enough to take care of myself but he doesn’t do it to be mean, he wants me to be healthy and he isn’t annoyed by my coughing unless he feels i could be doing more to get it under control. sometimes i forget that the cold medicine and cough syrup are here and will help and that i have tea and that i haven’t done my workout yet. i try to remind myself that my irritability isn’t his fault and i need to really just stop being a whiny bitch.

i’m having moments of self pity and i know i am allowed to but on the other hand, things could be much worse. and why do i envy people jogging down the street when i never wanted to do that a day in my life?

i just feel so overwhelmed with emotion. guilt, regret, anger, self pity, worry….i feel isolated, like people are purposely avoiding me. i keep wondering if i have done something to cause it or if people are just sick of me after all these years or is there still resentment over the way things went down when Chris and i split or are people just uncomfortable with this whole busted lungs thing (yes i know i have brought this up before, clearly is is still an issue for me)….so much worry and wondering and loneliness. i don’t know what i would do without the people i know will always be there, the ones that are there for me now, the friends who let me slow down their fun because i am important to them. that is a feeling i try to tap into in times like this.

i’m not miserable all the time but i think the rapid cycling bipolar catches me off guard more these days so i will find myself laughing and joking then suddenly wary or depressed or angry. it is just a bit much i suppose with such serious health issues.

i will keep trying.

keep trying.