there’s a war in my mind….
i realized today (which is now yesterday) that things are very cluttered in my brain space. i had to fight back some tears yesterday, just out of the blue. i am feeling very guilty for not appreciating my husband more. i feel like he doesn’t deserve my whining and complaints after days of worry and anxiety while i was on a ventilator in ICU. my brain is telling me i should try harder to be a better wife. to be more patient with his flaws, which we all have. he is pretty damn good about dealing with mine. sure i sometimes feel like he should be more kind when pointing out my mistakes because i can’t control my memory but then i just think…i should take it and try even harder to be perfect, to be worth all he went through back in October. he really held it together and was completely present for me in every way even if he had to sometimes get a bit stern so to speak about my excessive worry and negativity. i needed that though. and yes, i am deeply hurt and offended when he says i am not doing enough to take care of myself but he doesn’t do it to be mean, he wants me to be healthy and he isn’t annoyed by my coughing unless he feels i could be doing more to get it under control. sometimes i forget that the cold medicine and cough syrup are here and will help and that i have tea and that i haven’t done my workout yet. i try to remind myself that my irritability isn’t his fault and i need to really just stop being a whiny bitch.
i’m having moments of self pity and i know i am allowed to but on the other hand, things could be much worse. and why do i envy people jogging down the street when i never wanted to do that a day in my life?
i just feel so overwhelmed with emotion. guilt, regret, anger, self pity, worry….i feel isolated, like people are purposely avoiding me. i keep wondering if i have done something to cause it or if people are just sick of me after all these years or is there still resentment over the way things went down when Chris and i split or are people just uncomfortable with this whole busted lungs thing (yes i know i have brought this up before, clearly is is still an issue for me)….so much worry and wondering and loneliness. i don’t know what i would do without the people i know will always be there, the ones that are there for me now, the friends who let me slow down their fun because i am important to them. that is a feeling i try to tap into in times like this.
i’m not miserable all the time but i think the rapid cycling bipolar catches me off guard more these days so i will find myself laughing and joking then suddenly wary or depressed or angry. it is just a bit much i suppose with such serious health issues.
i will keep trying.