“Accidentally on purpose…”

the attention just encourages her..

Month: April, 2016


i think i did something wrong when i took my new med last night. it is the kind that dissolves under your tongue. my dr gave the OK to go up from 5mg to 10mg because it really seemed to be working. well it didn’t but i think i know why. i use whitening strips on my teeth on occasion due to my coffee/tea addiction and i thought it would be fine to do it last night because the Saphris dissolves pretty quick. well i didn’t sleep well at all. hence writing this blog at almost 5 ayem. now that i am thinking about it, i didn’t have the very mild numbness in my mouth that happens briefly as the med dissolves. so i’m more than just guessing what i did wrong, i actually have some evidence that it didn’t absorb properly and i am a bit relieved. i was concerned because taking the higher dose was hopefully going to help me sleep even better than the almost 5 hours uninterrupted sleep i was getting the first 2 nights at the starting dose. i expect to sleep much better tonight. i love sleep almost as much as i love whiskey.

i had strange dreams. i mostly enjoy the escape they provide from my fairly dull life. things are distorted and often people i rarely if ever see seem to make appearances. i would love to explore lucid dreaming. if i understand correctly it is something you can learn and/or something that just happens for some people. i would love to feel more in control during some of these dreams. i am an escape artist after all and dreams are my second favorite escape route. i don’t like to admit my actual favorite. it is not only a bit odd but might bring about judgment and there is little i hate more than anyone seeing e in a negative way. so even with interrupted sleep i did have some chances to escape before waking found me and brought me back to this reality i live in. a reality that often feels quite false.

i threatened to steal a form of blog from a fellow blogger. i am hoping it will help me keep track of things. my husband thinks maybe i am not having actual memory loss but that my ADD is just acting up or worse, much like my bipolar is this time of year. at first i felt accused of not paying attention because that is how he initially explained it and i felt hurt. i felt stupid. i felt rude. when i expressed this he explained he didn’t mean it that way, he wasn’t saying i was knowingly not paying attention so to speak. knowingly would imply intentionally. i’m unable to find the right word but i’m sure you get the idea. so i am going to try this daily acount of my week.

Monday~ i saw my family dr about my memory loss. we had discussed it before and he had said to see him if it worsened. i had already talked to my pulmonary specialist about it and he was sure it was not related to my lung disease or any of the treatments for it. so my family dr did the basic preliminary cognitive/memory testing he had done before and not only based on my concerns but the fact that i did not do quite as well as the first time he is referring me to a neurologist. this was to be expected. i am of course dreading the awful “sausage tube” as my friend calls it, the MRI machine. aside from the difficult inconvenience of removing my jewelry it is loud, so loud and seems to last forever but is only about 30 ish minutes. i think all i did the rest of the day was make a few calls. tried to reach my therapist and such. i think that was the day my new oxygen supplier called to schedule setting me up as i was switching to them and the red tape and white sheets with words and all that said it was ok. i don’t remember much else.

Tuesday~ i had an appt with my shrink at 2pm. despite seeing this in my planner several times i somehow had 2:30 stuck in my head. my mania was still going off the rails but i felt like i was still on track. then i was about to leave and realized i had not even remembered to to try and put any make up on. i was out of time so off i went in a rush and making myself short of breath. i was in my car and had a freak out moment and checked my planner again. oh lovely. i was leaving about 10 minutes before an appt at least a half hour drive to. so of course i was a bit of a wreck on the way and decided i would play dumb and pretend i didn’t realize my error. i am so fortunate to have such a great shrink. she is this petite pretty middle eastern lady and i just love the way she talks. it isn’t rude to say middle eastern to describe her is it? i hope not. i try to use terms that do not offend or hurt people. i don’t care about being PC i just don’t want to be inconsiderate. anyway…she was just happy i made it. with my condition she never knows if something bad has happened so she worries rather than being annoyed if i am late or have to cancel the morning of an appt. i was also glad that she had no more patients after me so i wasn’t throwing off her schedule. i made it and that made her happy. oh how sweet she is. also very good at her job. i hope i can see her until forever. i went home and on the way i actually remembered to pick up hamburger buns before stopping to drop off my new scripts.

Wednesday~my new oxygen equipment was set up. it is much nicer, as is the customer service. i think i made more calls and chatted with Chris as i usually do during the day while he works. i did my workout on my own, not with the Wii. my O2 sats were still a bit low. i spent some of the day taking care of random things and testing my ability to get around with my portable. it delivers oxygen only when i take a breath. it is called pulse delivery. while still recovering from my flare up a couple weeks ago i have been up and down from day to day. this was a down day but also up and down in and of itself. i decided i was doing well enough to finally go downstairs and do my daily chores. i have this nice little schedule. MWF i take care of the litter and sort the laundry. Chris got me one of those rolling laundry sorting things and it is quite nice. TTH i do the laundry. usually his on Tues and the rest on Thurs. Every day i am down there i feed the cats and check the dehumidifier in case it needs to be emptied. nice little system eh? easy to remember when i don’t forget what day it is. the litter is never out of control. we have these real nice boxes for each cat. they have a rim that keeps them from kicking litter all over and a little spot in front to hang the bag so it sits open. yes, people do get excited about things like this when they have lived with no less than 3 cats almost their entire life. i decided if i could do those things then i could go shopping with Chris. he got me a couple dresses i had hesitated getting last time we were there. he has been so sweet about making sure i have comfortable clothes. when i was in the hospital he made a mental inventory of things he saw that he knew i would like and the first time out shopping with him he had me go through the whole section and was showing me the things he found and bought me several items i really needed. i have a wonderful husband. i forgot, i finished my second order of dreads while skyping with an online friend. she lives in Texas and is married to an ex boyfriend who has been a great fiend for many years. she and i have somewhat similar lifestyles and both have plenty of health issues. i feel bad for her though because of how much she has suffered in so many ways since childhood. abuse and severe health issues. she is stronger than she realizes but i wish i could be of help in some way. it was nice to finally “meet” the only way we may ever be able to. i don’t think Chris would ever be OK with me going to visit. which sucks because i really like and get along with my Texas friend and i haven’t been to Texas since i was a child and i barely remember that. it is not my kind of climate but i always like traveling and seeing new places. Texas would be new to me now.

Thursday~ (yesterday) hypomania was the name of the game as it has been amping up as thespringtimeofmycrazy continues. it will probably calm down soon, maybe especially because of this new med. i haven’t looked it up yet because i will get paranoid about certain side effects and then not know if it is really happening or just psychosomatic or self fulfilling prophecy. so for all i know it is more for sleep than mood stabilizing or is an anti-psychotic that just happens to help with bipolar. i should look that stuff up. i was all over the place yesterday. i think having gotten sleep two nights in a row gave me extra energy which my body was just not used to. i am rarely in need of energy, i am more on the manic side than depressive. i was making to do lists everywhere. it was pretty SOP as the day began but then started to spiral almost out of control. i mean, i was so obsessive about tidying things up that i stopped to straighten the pen and notepad we keep on the kitchen counter. i got a call from my case manager that is provided by my insurance when someone is hospitalized or diagnosed with a chronic condition. this was an initial evaluation which would take about a half hour so i decided that was fine, there were things on my list i could do while on the phone. i dusted the wine rack and organized the things under the kitchen sink and who knows what else. anyway, this case manager thing is pretty great. i basically have my very own full time nurse to ensure i am getting all the care i may need. she will call every 3 weeks to check on me and i can call her anytime for anything. they have services and can refer me to services i may have a need for. so that was yesterday, mostly. lawd this must be the most boring post ever.

so today. today i listen to the bands i have written down to catch up on music. i want to start making mixes to put up on Mixcrate. i really enjoyed doing the DJ thing and would like to get better at it and do it more. i also have things i need to take care of like bills and making better color swatch photos for my ‘unitydreads’ page. hit me up if you want the link. i make synthetic dread extensions. i’m still learning some things like perfecting different styles and perfecting my method for falls and clip in accents. Chris told me last night that those credit card readers you use with your phone are free but there is a %fee so i’m going to research that and see about making that an option for purchases at or above a certain amount. i also really need a better way to store and organize all the damn hair i have, at least a temporary solution. i swear i have at least 80 bags of hair in about a dozen different colors. so i have a full plate i suppose but i want to try and go slow. the only things i REALLY must do are call BCBS so i can pay hopefully all or almost all of my medical bills for this year. omg that would be awesome. then all i have to do is get my credit cards paid off and close the two i don’t want/need.

if you have gotten this far i kind of love you. i need to be heard and i know my blogs lately have been a bit of just journaling type things but i want to tap back into my voice again. what do you want me to blog about? what do you want to know? what topics really interest you that i can share my experience and opinions on??


have a lovely day dear listeners. the summertimesadness may be upon me soon and i hope you will still be here to help keep my head above the water and my hope intact.

~every way to smile forget~


so much time so little to do…i mean…

i don’t even know where to begin.

i have lists and notes all over. i keep my journal by me most of the day and at night. my memory is worsening. so much so that it really scares me. i have lost so much already. as in so much memory and cognitive function in general. this blog will be a bit disjointed? i dunno the right word. it will be all over the place. i am juggling all of my internet stuff trying to get things done and catch up on my social media.


i just did ALL THE THINGS and i am not the slightest bit tired. i had to make myself stop doing things. i called and left a message for my shrink about going up on the new med early because if it is helping me sleep better already maybe the next dose will help me sleep all the way through the night and maybe it will help with this mania. it has to be my mania really acting up.

heard back from my shrink. well, her office. she gave the all clear to go up to 10 on the new med. i have high hopes for a full nights sleep and a less manic day tomorrow. we shall see. i have done so much today. i still have a few things i wanted to take care of but i am going to try very hard to just chill some more. just finish up my online stuff and take a good relaxing shower.

it has been a strange week. i don’t think i can even explain because so many details are lost somewhere.

i think this not being able to leave the house thing is really getting to me. not from being home so much but from having no choice but to be home.

i feel bad for my pup. she has got to be so bored and lonely with me being so busy. i keep stopping to pet her and love on her but i know she wants me to just sit the fuck down so she can cuddle me. getting another dog to keep her company is NOT going to happen so i need to work on this. i just get caught up.

i’m hoping to hear from my pulmonary specialist about a weird breathing thing going on. i’ve been getting short of breath much easier than i am used to but my O2 levels are well above safe zone.


i need to go do this shower and fucking chill thing. maybe Chris will go get the chartreuse so i can have a cup of cocoa. mmmmm.

did you know you could cough hard enough and long enough to hurt your jaw?

i didn’t. it still hurts this morning. yesterday was another day of coughing uncontrollably at the ER. i think they are tired of me going there so often but my nurse Chaz at U of M said to go because i was unable to stop coughing even while at rest with extra O2. i was doing what i was told to do. hopefully i won’t need to go back for the same thing again, actually i don’t ever plan to. something different and urgent yeah but for the cough, nope. hoping i won’t have to. we may have found a good solution to stopping the cough. it seems to be codeine or some combo with it.

i’m disgusted with my weight gain. just so disgusted. i’m hovering around 200 and still i ate half of a sort of kind size bag of peanut M&M’s after eating 4 pieces of fried chicken. i have had trouble working out because of this flare up but have also not been trying hard enough due to kind of giving up. i just don’t feel strong enough to live like this, to fight so hard and work so hard to really put up the best fight.

i’m very disappointed in myself for starting this hair business and now being too sick to fill the orders i have and make things for the upcoming events i will be vending at. i will keep at it, i’m not just packing it up and giving up on it. i just hate that i am so hindered by this disease. when i am in better health and able to work out i can really get a lot done so not being able to do anything at all is just so disappointing.

i do have my loks to give me something to do that makes me feel a bit centered and calm. i kind of thought people describing it as a spiritual thing, a journey, were a bit wackado. then i realized i could finally do it and not need to use a bunch of gross gunk and then have to shave my head when/if i wanted them out. so now i have them. well a real good start anyway. now to let them do their thing and keep an eye on them.

the springtimeofmycrazy has run its course and i am slipping sliding into the summertimesadness. always hard to fight if i am unhappy with my weight. now i have this damn lung disease to deal with.

it has already been a character building year..who the fuck needs character anyway?



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