did you know you could cough hard enough and long enough to hurt your jaw?

by kaleidegirl

i didn’t. it still hurts this morning. yesterday was another day of coughing uncontrollably at the ER. i think they are tired of me going there so often but my nurse Chaz at U of M said to go because i was unable to stop coughing even while at rest with extra O2. i was doing what i was told to do. hopefully i won’t need to go back for the same thing again, actually i don’t ever plan to. something different and urgent yeah but for the cough, nope. hoping i won’t have to. we may have found a good solution to stopping the cough. it seems to be codeine or some combo with it.

i’m disgusted with my weight gain. just so disgusted. i’m hovering around 200 and still i ate half of a sort of kind size bag of peanut M&M’s after eating 4 pieces of fried chicken. i have had trouble working out because of this flare up but have also not been trying hard enough due to kind of giving up. i just don’t feel strong enough to live like this, to fight so hard and work so hard to really put up the best fight.

i’m very disappointed in myself for starting this hair business and now being too sick to fill the orders i have and make things for the upcoming events i will be vending at. i will keep at it, i’m not just packing it up and giving up on it. i just hate that i am so hindered by this disease. when i am in better health and able to work out i can really get a lot done so not being able to do anything at all is just so disappointing.

i do have my loks to give me something to do that makes me feel a bit centered and calm. i kind of thought people describing it as a spiritual thing, a journey, were a bit wackado. then i realized i could finally do it and not need to use a bunch of gross gunk and then have to shave my head when/if i wanted them out. so now i have them. well a real good start anyway. now to let them do their thing and keep an eye on them.

the springtimeofmycrazy has run its course and i am slipping sliding into the summertimesadness. always hard to fight if i am unhappy with my weight. now i have this damn lung disease to deal with.

it has already been a character building year..who the fuck needs character anyway?