the thousand hour blog

by kaleidegirl

things are a bit crazy these days. my breathing is almost as bad as it was when i left the hospital. i might have had a heart attack a few days ago, if that is what it was it lasted an hour or more, i forget now because it started to fade in waves of excruciating chest pain. no i didn’t go to the ER, i was sure my husband was trying anything else to avoid having to take me. he says that isn’t true and that he asked what i wanted him to do. he never asked if i wanted to go to the hospital though so that was just him covering his tracks. he’s an aspie, specific questions and answers are his thing. i don’t blame him. what if it was just really really really bad heart burn from my prednisone. what if it was just a side effect. its my fault i didn’t go though really. i’m sure…i assume…i hope… he would have taken me had i asked, had i said please take me i feel like i’m dying and when it started i was sure it was something big bad and i was terrified. my fault. i know this now. i just hate being a burden, i hate showing up at the ER so often with almost the same issues every time but i almost always only go because i was told to by a dr or nurse. as a result i avoid calling them because then i can say it must not have been bad enough so it would have been a waste of everyone’s time at the hospital where there are probably sicker and more important people in need than me.

i hate not breathing, the shortness of breath from the simplest task. i feel like i am drowning just trying to get myself situated in bed or with my blanket on the couch. it hurts. many people don’t quite realize this. it really hurts. if it is bad enough it feels like you are so short on air that you will pass out or just die. i’m not being dramatic. that is how it can feel when it is severe. my lungs would kill me in a zombie apocalypse before a zombie could get me. no joke. that is a good example.

so my heart is a bit bigger than usual. my fam dr is concerned because that sort of thing doesn’t generally happen in just a few months (since my last echo-cardiogram and several EKG’s since). i hope it is temporary and maybe just caused by the rapid heart rate i likely caused by drinking myself stupid while on a new med.

something is wrong with my liver, intestines or bones. i was supposed have a liver biopsy this morning but had to reschedule because my breathing is so bad. then i got a call yesterday about blood work showing possible intestinal issues, they wanna see if maybe i have celiac disease. fucking hell. i really don’t care about possibly having to cut wheat or whatever out of my diet. i’ll probably feel much better and lose weight. honestly after being told to get checked for this it makes even more sense than the liver issue. my stomach does occasionally hate me.

my mind is going.

no really, it is and it scares the ever living fuck out of me on top of being so damn frustrating and adding so much more guilt to my life. my memory loss is worse. i’m forgetting how to spell simple words. how could I, ME forget how to spell “vodka”? seriously. i’m often frazzled and confused trying to articulate myself, is that how you use that word? when i write i often forget how to write letters or end words so there is a lot of messy scribbles at the end of things. it is really fucking bad. it is possible that it could be an ADD/ADHD issue which is common with bipolar disorder. i hope that it is if that can be managed somehow. i have lost so much of my mind already, will this continue? joking about ending up like the wife in The Notebook is one thing, having it feel like that is actually happening before the age of 40 is no fucking joke.

so i was distracted, happily so and am back to finish this post.

everything and everyone is waking up and maybe i’m a bit manic still and that is making me flustered, maybe i just have more to deal with than i realized. i need to call the pharmacy and get access to my meds history if possible. i need to know what i was taking during certain times of my life the past 12 years or so. i also hate never being sure why i stopped a med or how long i took or if i even actually did. it is so frustrating because my psych is running out of options.


wow i give up.

i started this post at like 4 or 5 ayem, it is now almost noon.

have good moms day to the moms and anyone being a mom by choice.

have a good weekend kids.