“that should assure us of at least forty five minutes of undisturbed privacy.”

by kaleidegirl

Dorothy Parker said that while pressing the button marked “nurse” while in the hospital. it has become a bit of an inside joke between my friend and i even though it is not quite the case here. i think it came to mind again while realizing what a good nurse i have had the past couple nights. he takes care of you without ever seeming rushed in anyway. he will chat but doesn’t get caught up in long conversations leaving his other patients waiting or you just wanting to rest or eat or whatever. he just does his job so efficiently without being curt or too serious. he is quite quick to respond to the call light which is not only nice because you aren’t left waiting but also because that seems to cut down on the amount of beeping out there. he is just very sweet and always makes sure you have what you need and he wastes no time and leaves you feeling so thankful and taken care of.

being in hospital is something i am trying very hard to adjust to. i have to accept that i will spend more time here and it will be worth it in the end. up until yesterday i was thinking that the work up for the transplant is just a sort of back up but now it seems more and more like they are expecting to actually go forward depending on how i am when they have gotten to the end of testing. i don’t know if the husband realizes or thinks this or how he really feels about the whole topic in general. i’m sure he wants me to be open to it and i think is hoping for it and that is fine. i intend to do whatever the drs believe will give me the most time here. the thought of breathing without supplemental oxygen is just so motivating though. i have every intention of being as healthy as i possibly can be, not just in case of transplant but to really give myself the best chance i can and live better in the process.

sometimes the hardest part is balancing my mental illness with all of this. luckily those issues do not disqualify me. one of the transplant drs has concerns about how i will handle the stress of it all because of my anxiety and it is a very valid concern. for me the struggle is the rapid cycling mood swings that seem more frequent and potent here in the hospital. i have so much guilt, regret, self loathing…it gets very hard to fight these things and the emotions that come with them. my mood can shift just as strongly toward optimism and determination to fight. my anxiety is a HUGE factor in  all of this. my breathing can be very seriously affected by a panic attack or a surge in anxiety. it can get to the point where my brain tells my lungs how well to work or not work based on my anxiousness over the numbers on the monitor so i have to work harder to listen to my body, not the numbers. the actual problem is that the hospital oximeter sensor i have to wear is usually very off. its no ones fault. they just get worn out being on me 24/7

i see drs walking about in the hall. they are an unpredictable species. i won’t be doing any walks until i have talked to at least one of my drs. yesterday they basically skipped me because i was on my way out of my room to walk and it was kind of like, “oh, she’s fine, look at her go, let’s move along” even though i asked if they were coming to talk to me. they had to be paged to get one to come back, hours later of course.

so many drs! a whole BOB of them!!  ha! i just made that up. i feel clever.

time to think about a good healthy breakfast and wait for my bobs to come see me.