welcome to my drug induced thoughts….
every day seems to start one way and end another way completely.
yesterday was another mixed bag. one of my favorite things for breakfast, blueberry pancakes, a feeling of accomplishment if only a very little, headaches and mild nausea and my self-esteem bruised a bit. i woke up too early as is the case these days but i made the best of it. i went to sleep feeling hurt and confused. my day and my mood was everywhere.
today i’ve been awake off and on since 2 am. horrible headache. then i started to feel ill, like just ill. hot and cold at the same time like i had a fever. probably because i did. do? i think the tylenol in the norco is bringing down my temp and the hydrocodone or whatever is trying to evict this headache. yeah, the thermometer has stopped screaming at me. my temp is slowly going down. i’m hoping a cup of coffee will give the norco a leg up on the headache. they are bad enough on their own but the every single day sometimes twice a day and sometimes with nausea thing is starting to wear me down.
i was kind of horrible yesterday. i’m just very overwhelmed and not really coping very well. i’ve been putting on a pretty good performance most of my life to protect my loved ones from my crazy the best i can but now i am trying to do that and be strong enough to fight this lung disease. for a bit now i have been working on performing less and being real and honest more. i’m not very good at it but i keep trying. i’m letting myself change. trying to accept myself as i am, as the person i have been hiding all these years. i often worry people won’t like that person. i have no real reason to think this. the crazy does what the crazy does and i’m doing as much damage control as i can.
so yesterday. yeah, i was kind of horrible. in a way i had good reason. ultimately though i reacted poorly to a situation i could have avoided with better communication. i often feel like i am expressing myself and communicating well and it is just not my fault that there are huge obstacles in front of me. between us. in front of him. then days like yesterday happen and i realize i’m not doing so well at it and it is my own fault if i feel undesirable in so many ways. i rely far too much on others for validation and compliments. in my world i am only as attractive, intelligent and interesting as those around me think i am. i think maybe it is my biggest flaw. my biggest weakness. on the flip side of this i had been fighting words of encouragement from so many people about how strong i am and what an inspiration i am. that was just too much for me to take seriously for a long time. it even sometimes upset me. i am none of those things i was certain and so undeserving of such praise. i got over that. one day as i struggled to catch my breath i suddenly realized how strong i must actually be to have not totally given up by now. because it really, really, really hurts to be unable to breathe. it is also terrifying. i calmed my anxiety and caught my breath and i knew. even if they didn’t understand, no one was just “being nice” or saying what is the nice thing to say to help someone through such a difficult thing.
so all at once i am worthless, ugly, stupid, weak and also strong and brave and my life is worth fighting for. i live so much of my life, so many of my days, along a fence knowing i could fall the wrong way any moment. i just don’t know how to shake this overwhelming feeling of not deserving the love i receive. not having the right to ever be upset or angry or depressed. i mean, who the fuck do i think i am to have so much good in my life and ask for more? what kind of bitch whines about not getting compliments from someone who is moving mountains to make them happy, safe, cared for and comfortable?? and for fucks sake why do i think quality make up and a nice box to keep it in is something i need let alone deserve? why do i even need that cute little sun dress or summer pajamas for when i am in the hospital?? please tell me what is more selfish and shallow than such things as this.
we truly do accept the love we think we deserve and for me this applies to everything and in my mind i am deserving of nothing near the blessings i have.
in the moments i struggle to catch my breath and my will is weak i have to fight back tears. tears born of the fear that i won’t survive long enough for treatment to work or for a transplant. (don’t even get me started on how i so do not deserve to be given healthy lungs that could surely be put to better use) crying is a luxury i cannot indulge. my lungs are so scarred i do not have any oxygen reserve for such things. i can feel that scarring, i can feel that it is leaving me with what feels like only half a lung if that. i draw in a breath and i feel it hit a wall. i don’t have the room in them for enough oxygen to breathe and cry. but that fear. that fear smothers me and i have to fight it back. i have to fight the anxiety that also uses up oxygen i don’t have to spare.
the thought of breathing in a full breath of sweet fresh air is sometimes all i have to keep trying. keep fighting. keep wanting those lungs i know, i KNOW i do not deserve.