bad week, good day

by kaleidegirl

i had a pretty rough week. i’m sure it wasn’t easy on my husband.

my anxiety affects my breathing pretty significantly. i know that isn’t anything surprising but it is really becoming an issue. i noticed it first in the hospital. i was just so anxious i had to turn away visitors. i couldn’t keep up. i was freaking out  and watching my numbers too much and that was psyching me out. if the monitor said i was in the low 80’s i would find myself feeling like i was. once i learned that the machine was way off, off by about 10% i realized i needed to listen to my body and not the numbers. i immediately started breathing better. anxiety was still something i had to fight but i was sure once i was home everything would get better. my anxiety, my breathing, my sleeping, my headaches…all of it. i would start recovering much faster and be down to a more manageable amount of oxygen in no time and eventually back to where i was before all of this.

well the first couple days home i did do better. the not sleeping and the headaches didn’t go away but i was showing improvement with my breathing. until Monday. then i was suddenly needing more oxygen again and then would be ok again in the evening when my husband came home. it took a few days and a wise mother-in-law to realize it was anxiety. i was afraid of being home alone and something bad happening.

thursday was the worst. i was just losing it all over the place. i was having an angry pity party and really pissed off and frustrated at myself and my lungs and the fact i still needed the damn non-re-breather mask to get up and do things. i really don’t mind the cannula. especially now that i have such a good one from this small company in CA that makes the very softest, most comfortable cannulas and a flow valve so you can control your liter flow from wherever. this cannula is so soft and comfortable i can barely feel it. i can sometimes feel the nose piece on one side rubbing just a bit on the scabbed over area caused by the other cannulas but aside from that its great. soft and comfy, stays on without being tightened all the way and i think it is not even leaving lines across my cheeks like the others do. so if i could just get to where i don’t need the mask my life would be so much better. (i know, i should be grateful it isn’t worse and i really am but i am also fucking human and very flawed) being back to just a cannula, even 24/7, would help me feel less anxious, more comfortable and i could actually wear fucking make up again. oh, and go places. needing the mask means i need too much oxygen to safely go out very far. with the mask and tank i get the highest amount of oxygen you can get outside a hospital, as far as i can tell. the tanks go from 10L to 15L with no inbetween so it will be more trial and error than usual to ween myself down. once i get down to 10L i an ween down 2L at a time and not 5. yes, it is a big difference.

so i tried to be productive and social thursday and i did OK ish most of the day but i slowly started to just kind of lose my shit. i was so pissed at all things oxygen. my anxiety. the fucking mask. my limitations. i’m pretty sure sex isn’t happening for fear of me not being able to breathe and probably how unattractive that damn mask is. i don’t cope well with anything when undersexed. it is one of the few things that will actually make me really bitchy. my husband seems to think its funny to talk like i’m your typical nagging bitch stereotype of a wife but really i’m not. i could legitimately bitch about so many things and i just don’t. i see no point. maybe it just helps him feel more normal, easier to join in the conversation. i feel like i’ve explained this before. it must bother me more than i realize that he does this. the point is, i was being a fucking whiny ass bitch and was taking all my frustration out on him. he forgave me. he always does. without holding a grudge or throwing it in my face every day for a week. because he’s wonderful. he has been especially kind, supportive and encouraging the past week or so. he will just randomly check on me. like just to make sure i’m ok. he left me a long note on the white board about how much he believes in me and loves me. there was something else that he did or said that threw me a bit but i forget now. i shouldn’t forget a single kind thing he says or does.

yesterday was better.

to give me some peace of mind and help my anxiety he let me set up a home medical monitoring service. once that is set up i can feel less worried about something bad happening while i am home alone. i focused hard yesterday on having a good day. i even got some hair work done and accidentally did some cleaning. later, after he came home from grocery shopping, we went up to rite aid and i got to be out for a little bit. you know, like a human. it was nice and helped my mood and overall outlook on things. i’m really seeing myself done with that mask soon.

we shall see.

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