this is what makes us girls

by kaleidegirl

yesterday was a little bit busy, a little bit crazy and a lot tiring. i hope i never have to spend over 2 hours at the optometrist again. only about a half hour of that was a desperate search for glasses i would love for a change or at least know i wouldn’t hate in a couple weeks. i could have gotten exactly what i wanted a few years ago but my husband doesn’t like the style i do. i know its my face, my eyes, my everything blah blah but i don’t want my husband hating my hair or make up or glasses etc. etc and so forth and so on. i have gotten a bit more selfish these days with the realization that life is too short to look only the way others want or expect. the bulk of the visit was dealing with my being at risk for glaucoma and needing actual medical tests to see how bad the issue may be and get a better baseline to keep an eye on it. no pun intended, i swear it just happens. apparently glaucoma is at least very easily treatable usually with just eye drops every day, esp when caught early. i’ve always miraculously had pretty healthy eyes. always bad eyesight but healthy eyes that had been improving with more regular proper corrective wear. this new development is almost definitely related to my lung disease and/or the medications for it. i wasn’t too surprised. i also have never spent so much at the optometrist in my life even after insurance but it will be well worth it. i will finally have very nice, glare free transitional lens glasses. no more “holy hell i can’t see because OMG the big ball of fire in the sky and i didn’t/couldn’t wear my contacts so i could wear my sunglasses!!” i have trial dailies that are a pretty good deal for the way i wear contacts and i still have the box of night/day ones that don’t always give me the weird visual disturbance that had me begging to be seen sooner.

almost forgot i was gonna share this awful pic of me in my soon to be new glasses….

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but wait

theres more

even though my husband had to bring me another tank, i did really well at rest on only 2L. this is kind of a big fucking deal. especially when you figure in that i have been only at 10L since i got up this morning. 12L would be better, like perfect, but my E tanks only go from 10-15, no inbetween but still. this is REAL progress. i haven’t even been able to get much of a workout in this week. i have been busy doing other things so it isn’t like i am just sitting around not trying. i worked on hair for a couple hours yesterday and did my floor peddler thing for at least 5+ minutes and last night did some weights and crunches. this big fucking gut has to go. i swear i will finally be below 200 by weekend if i keep this up.and i will. i really think the little bit of real walking i have been doing outside the house is what is really having an impact. it must play a big role if it is listed on my discharge papers as drs orders basically.

today if all continues to go well at 10L and my medical alert system shows up early enough i plan to go to SOS for my permanent handicap parking placard. i have no shame about this. when i need to conserve oxygen i need to conserve oxygen. i’m not lazy. maybe i’m sure i used to be but i  am not any more and never will be again but i also cannot run out of oxygen because of extra unnecessary walking. i hope that when i am down to a reasonable weight my lungs will not have to work so hard to carry me. i really appreciate that no one is lecturing me about trying to lose weight. i hate that shit and i hate when i do it to other people and have been really working on not doing it myself anymore. we are all entitled to do what we need to in order to feel comfortable in our skin and be able to own this space. so this trip to SOS will be a good test of handling my anxiety away from home. i plan to wait a bit after this to wander too far from town on my own unless i make some huge improvement right away but this needs to be done. i’m not trying to be stubborn. i’m not in denial about how sick i still am for lack of a better word. i just know that i need to do this if i want to even start going places with my husband and i know if i take extra tanks i will be safe. being able to sit at only 2L will save so much oxygen and these tanks will go so much longer. i am even able to lower them down to 8, 6, then 4 when just standing if fully recovered from any real exertion. i’ve gotten so much better at listening to my body and hearing it right. i don’t check my sats as often but when i do i am almost always where i expect to be based on how i feel.

so that seems to be where i am on this busted lungs journey.

another journey, something spiritual to start has become just me not fretting about my hair like crazy. i’ve put in some extensions to help the tightening of my real loks ((yes this does help with any impatience i may sometimes have, i’m human and i’m fucking bipolar which comes with a whole special kind of crazy when it comes to my hair))and i like the way my hair looks even though i have sections loose and they are clumsily attached. i feel like i can just leave it be for awhile now. i will need to redo the elastics so my hair doesn’t “eat them” as my dread friend put it but that is just maintenance. i have been wanting to see if i can spike up the growing out shaved side. might try today. if it doesn’t work yet oh well. if it looks awful, oh well. i will keep up dying my roots but that is just part of my usual regimen. waking up and looking in the mirror and liking my hair is nice because i really hate everything else i see. but i am working on this and it is not completely my fault. mr prednisone is always telling me to to EAT ALL THE FOOD and that is normal for it so i just have to fight it.

in more shallow vain news…i’m eagerly awaiting a delivery today from one of my favorite cosmetic companies. NYX. i will finally have real black lipstick. not halloween stuff, not crappy over priced manic panic, not almost black, not black eyeliner with lip balm. actual black lipstick with staying power even from what i read of reviews. now that i am done with the mask i can actually wear make up again and i am getting healthy enough to kind of go places and have a reason to bother putting it on. yeah, thats right. i’m super geeked about new make up. don’t judge me. i do what i want.

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