and she was

by kaleidegirl

i’m becoming a morning person for real. last night i almost stayed up and worked on dreads in my office. was going to get out my headphones and just wait out the night until i was really tired. sleepy tired. it doesn’t take much to get physically tired. my lungs work hard to carry all this fat on me so i get tired but rarely ever sleepy. i go to bed around 9pm and usually wake up anywhere from 2 am to 4 am. technically this is probably enough sleep but is it? should i be getting more due to my illness? i don’t really mind it unless a pounding headache wakes me and the Excedrin tension headache stuff isn’t enough to take the edge off. i don’t like worrying about waking my husband. poor guy works so much. lately i don’t like that my fear of the dark has me terrified of the dark hallway i can’t avoid if i want coffee. i keep seeing creepy ghosts from haunting movies. he likes them. it amuses him that i jump and freak out and sure it is entertaining for a second but then i can’t shake it and those images literally haunt me. yeah, i’m afraid of the dark. last night he tells me i can turn on the light in my office and get on my laptop if i want. he’s letting me know i don’t have to be so carefully quiet i guess. he must realize this waking up early thing is a thing now that we have yet to fix and he must realize how not fun it is to sit in the dark waiting until he wakes up to get up and do anything.

so this morning i woke up and after a minute or so i realized my cannula was like across my fucking forehead. wearing the damn thing at night is annoying enough but when it isn’t even staying on i get real annoyed. so tonight i will see if i really am sleeping/breathing fine without it.

my phone was acting up so i didn’t get to weigh myself. i use the flashlight app to see the scale. the creepy hallway was too creepy again so i grabbed a vernors. my water bottle was nearly empty and i didn’t want to have to visit the kitchen again until it was “safe”. i headed to my office and got to work on the dreads that i am working on. it was kind of nice. i could do the backcombing without making much noise at all. by the time the husband was up i still had about 8 or so left to backcomb but i went to work steaming the others first.

when i started this whole thing with the dreads all i expected to come of it was the ability to make my own in any colors i wanted for WAY cheaper than what i was paying for the ones i had been getting. then i realized it was not only easy and cheap…it was fun. i found something i was good at that could also be a creative outlet. something i really need. all over my life are scattered pseudo failed attempts a creativity. this one is sticking and i’m actually making money at it. i’m currently working on a set of falls that are not for a customer, just something to put in my Etsy shop. i like coming up with color schemes and i like naming them. i also went a little vista print crazy but hopefully that has passed. i’ll just be needing more business cards soonish. i’m working on making enough to cover start up expenses which i actually don’t think will take very long.

the hunt for the perfect black lipstick is over. my husband is the best when it comes to these things. spoiling me and paying attention making him able to get things most guys are clueless about. for xmess he got me what has become my second favorite lipstick and yesterday ordered the same kind in the black i’ve been wanting and this stuff ain’t cheap and i already know it is kick ass quality. what’s more is that if he buys something for me to wear i know for sure that he doesn’t hate it. he’s “over” the goth thing last i knew so i worried my elder goth status might be annoying but apparently not and he seems to like being back to DJ’ing at goth night on occasion. which is awesome cuz he is really great at it. like really. so black lipstick coming today because he paid the $3 for one day shipping. its funny because $3 is more like what the stuff should cost but this stuff is way more.

there are few things i will really spend money on. lipstick. the perfect purse. my favorite, perfume, Hypnotic Poison by Dior. the only perfume i will wear. i’ll wear certain oils but i’m very picky about my perfume. i’ve been wearing this stuff so long i have a friend who says she can smell me before she sees me. random things like that. i’ve run out of perfume due to my clumsiness. i dropped the last bottle and couldn’t get the sprayer part back on properly so i filled my little travel atomizer and another my guy bought me and tried to preserve what was left but it must have evaporated. i’m down to the tiny atomizer in my purse. it should last awhile. i go a lot of places where perfume is not allowed or just rude. i should be set on lipstick for a good while. i just bought an outrageously expensive purse but it is perfection and i’ve been using the last perfect purse i bought for years. its been sewed up and lost its chains and such but it is so perfect. i had given up finding anything better. but then i did. i had to have it. oh, kind of like the really awesome hooded corset jacket i’ve been wanting since i before i knew it existed. its on Etsy and she’s got this layaway plan going on so i’m $50 away from it being paid off and started work on. she’s going to make sure it fits my fat as fuck arms.

i really have to stop buying things. imma pay off this jacket and get my daughter a kick ass gift for her 21st birthday and then i’m done till xmess time at which point i hope to have my bills under fucking control. people buy my stuff!!!! i work hard on it. it is very reasonably priced. i do custom orders.

i gotta work on letting my guy buy me things. not just him spoiling me on the regular like he does but accepting the praise in the form of $20 lipstick for how hard i am trying and working to get healthy. he said i deserve it and that was his reason and i was kind of difficult about it with all my self loathing and i need to work on that. giving compliments is hard for him and i need to appreciate them when he gives them.

i had important meaningful things to say but i’ve just babbled about shopping and whined about waking up so early.

maybe later.

maybe not.