the way that light attaches to a girl

by kaleidegirl


i FINALLY met my niece Lana. she is 3 weeks today. she is beautiful and she was all smiles and apparently i got to hear and see her first laugh. she napped on me for at least an hour i think. who knows. time stood still. i don’t know if anyone realizes how much all my nephews and now niece mean to me. i may not have known until i went almost 2 months barely seeing any of them at all. they are growing up without their Antijen because of these damn busted lungs. i’m going to get off this damn oxygen and beat this lung disease. if i have to have a transplant, fine. whatever it takes to have more years, more healthier years with my niece and nephews and hopefully soon (but i’m told not too soon) grandkids. i’m ready to be a grammy. i was before this disease caused such urgency in me to live and experience everything i could. so there i am, fat face and all not even caring because that little gorgeous face was just staring at me with her shining smart eyes.

i’m fighting my lung disease and working these busted lungs harder every day now. now especially now that i have realized i have 13 days to fit  back into my new “wedding” dress. the beautiful dress i bought a year ago for the vow renewal ceremony we had to cancel in October. we, well i’m sure it is all me. at least it was to start, wanted to make a fuss about our 10 year wedding anniversary. we had already been through s much together and his family was right there with us supporting us. we wanted to have a little even where no one had to help pay for anything or cook anything. a sort of thank you for making our wedding so great and helping us through our marriage. well, my sister in law was going to make our cake because she makes the best, most beautiful cakes but we moved things up to July instead of October and she has a prior cake making commitment, so i’m going to do my very best but cannot ever compare to her talent. i think this works out well because now no one is doing any kind of work for this. two of my other sisters in law are doing readings for us and my bestie is marrying us again. she likes marrying us. (she got ordained specifically to marry us when we got re-married). so i WILL fir into that lovely dress and even with half my head recently shaved and growing out not as awkwardly yet as i feared i will still have lovely loks. i’m fighting this fucker. FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT.

speaking of hair. i’m done with the real dreadlocks. the idea was a low maintenance style and not having to deal with extensions but it is far more work than you would think. luckily i think i didn’t get far enough that it will be hard to get out the few i have. i am wearing some extensions right now but plan to make more and have all of my hair redone and just do what i used to and have my synthetics until i feel like taking them out. i’m still growing my hair out. i’m still keeping it black.

i spent too much money during the springtimeofmycrazy and have cut myself off of internet spending. i’ve gotten a credit increase on 2 of my credit cards and my Amazon credit which i hope will help with my credit to debt ratio. it could back fire but i feel my summertimesadness creeping up on me and i don’t have much interest in buying things when i’m depressed in anyway.

my guy bought me the best black lipstick and i’m loving it. i won’t be wearing it constantly and may still grab that NYX at some point so i have a daily wear one like i do with my reds. i have 3 awesome reds thanks to xmess gifts after i purchased my uber jeffree star so with the black NYX and the deep grey NYX and my lime crime black i will have all the lipstick i need. a good dark red lipliner might be hunted down if i pick up that NYX black. i mean, i’ll be at the make up store of doom.

i’m watching my spending but i am also still saving up for my last tattoo fix up. i have one last tattoo that needs covering up so that i can honestly say i have no regrets. it is a dragon over yin-yang tattoo that i got at a tattoo party. ((it was a party where my artist at the time was doing the work)) i’m hoping it can be covered with a black rose. i’ll be calling today hoping i can get an estimate based on the size of it. he’s seen it and if the last quote he gave me was for that and something else then i may be able to afford just this cover up and then take a break on tattoos for a good while. well, i am supposed to get my Gonzo bats when my bestie gets her Gonzo tattoo. have to see if i can swing the money for that when the time comes.i have found a black rose tattoo that looks perfect for covering up what i have if he can shrink it down a bit. hopefully i can email it to him and get a more accurate quote.

and now for something completely different.

i have decided to explore the possibility of going to church. actually being baptized. things i never thought i would even think about. if you know me, i’m sure your jaw dropped, close your mouth. hell hath not frozen over. i have always considered spirituality in all its forms to be a personal thing so i feel a bit hypocritical making this known on such a public platform. i also know my daughter will likely ask yet again, “are you having a mid-life crisis?”. she may very well judge me based on my long held opinons of religiona dn christianity. i know her and i hope she knows me and does not judge me too harshly. i will not go full “insert most uber religious persons name here”. my reasons for this are not something i plan to broadcast, that is a conversation you can start up with me privately. this will not change who i am or my core beliefs in any way. if that is a requirement then i will turn on my heel and walk the fuck out of the whole thing. my guy was raised catholic. like private catholic school and all so i have told him this thing is on him. normally i would play secretary and make the calls or whatever but this is not my area of understanding. with that said i may go to the church today and see what’s what because i am skeptical that he will ever do anything toward getting us to the church on time. ((ha ha, see what i did there?)) i am not even entirely sure how he feels about this. i could ask but i wouldn’t get a genuine answer because i would have to ask very specific questions and in situations like this you don’t want robotic responses. you want a conversation. an organic conversation.

so yeah. that happened.

my phone alarm says to go do my workout. i’ve already done some exercise twice today so i hope i don’t wear myself out. i’m done 60 crunches. last few times i’ve only done 50. i’m working my arms with weights and using my floor peddler at least twice a day. that thing about fitting into that dress in 13 days? yeah, i mean business. i have it hanging in view of my desk as motivation. i will lose this fucking weight and in the process not only fit into that dress but breathe much better as well. i am sure my lungs are just having to work too hard to carry all this weight. i mean that. i’m not just announcing how fat i am. my meds put too much extra weight on me. its gotta go.